looking back, looking forward

Tomorrow I'll be heading up to Portland to visit friends. I'll be reflecting on the previous year, but also on my life up until now. I'm going to walk a labyrinth up there, will do a ritual to burn the old contract and say a prayer to unvierse for the new contract I have written. All my hopes and fears, all my wishes and prayers, all my disappointments and fantasies. All will be there. All are part of me.

And its all good.

Good to be Here by the Animators
(saw them at the Independent last Friday. GOOD LORD its only been a week since then)

Home for the Holidays

Interesting phrase that. My new home, although I have only been here a month, feels like a safe haven. It also, at times, feels like a dark echoy cave. I'm frequently alone in the house, so how i view it depends on what mood I am in. And lately, I've been all over the map.

I'm going to my sister's home today to visit my family. A sort of homecoming, although I see them regularly. Going with my son and his dad. Not as a pretend family; we're beyond that. We are a family of a different sort, where we are friends and parents. Easier to endure the holidays knowing at least I don't have to act like "everything's ok". Why did I feel the need to do that for so long?

Tomorrow we are visiting his family. I have no idea how that is going to go. The last thing Doc said to me was something like a plea not to break D's heart. Did I do that? How will be be around me? We shall soon find out.

After that I will want to retreat, I am sure. Although I'll probably be social on Tuesday, and then in the studio that night. Ahhhhhh creating music. It does so soothe me.

The other night I saw Vienna Teng in concert. She was brilliant, moved me to tears a couple times. She played my favorite song of hers, Harbor, that will always hold a special place in my heart. And I had a thought that night, that home is where my heart is. Where my heart wants to be, there I am home.

I am such a romantic sometimes, sheesh! :)

Standing still

I want to run and hide. I want to smoke and drink. I want to cry, I want to scream.

And instead I am here. Standing still.

Breathe... breathe...

I want to go to my usual escapes. Men who flirt with me and alcohol to soothe me.

And instead I am here. Standing still.

Trying to breathe...