So much loss

Anger, anguish, sadness, emptiness, indifference, sadness, anger... this cycle has dominated my life the last year. It feels like I have lost so much in this past twelve months.

After all this time, I can finally listen to the Wailing' Jennys again. In This Heart of Mine comes on. I put it on repeat, sing it like a mantra. Loss, loss, loss. Breaking attachments and starting anew again and again.

I know I'm forging a new life, and when I look forward on the path, it looks light and bright. But when I look over my shoulder, all I see are shades of black and gray.

I sing the song again, and realize I that while I still think of him when I sing it, I am more struck with the cumulative loss than I am with any single one.

Bittersweet indeed.

In This Heart of Mine
by the Wailin Jennys

If all is fair in love and war
I haven't seen the score
But it can't be either of those

And all this time, thought I was in control
But fate she held her own
Even when I thought I chose

Now the coldest day of winter
Has made a home of my heart
It burns a cold right through me
Tearing me apart

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

A thousand memories
Of when and where
Four walls and a rocking chair
Our story sticking to my skin

A dusty wind
Blows through this broken frame
Echoes of your name
Shadows fall and night pours in

Now the coldest day of winter
Has made a home of a heart
Says it plans to stay forever
Just like you did at the start

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

Now the coldest day of winter
Is here and here to stay
And it burns a cold right through me
'Round the heart you threw away

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

What am I doing?

Listening to Suzanne Vega, one of my inspirations, and wondering what the hell have I been doing lately? Why haven't I been creating music? Sure, I've been writing lyrics, but it is in the marriage of music and words that you fulfill the purpose of each. I cannot say if the lyrics I have written will work until I start to put melody and harmony to them.

And then I realize, I have been taking care of business. And even though it has only been weeks or months, there is no reason to panic or hurry. It is better that I hunker down and wrap up these loose threads, these skeins of my life unraveled. That is the work to be done now.

Time enough to create... and I promise, it won't be long. Meanwhile...

Suzanne Vega
Pilgrimage

This line is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every step is a day in the week
Its a sunday or monday
A march over months of the year

This life is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every death is an end in the race
Its a stopping and starting
A march over millions of years

Travel. arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
Im coming to you
Ill be there in time

This land is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every line is a place on a map
Its a city or valley
A mark on these miles of fields

Travel. arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
Im coming to you
Ill be there in time

This line is burning
Turning to ash as it hits the air
Every step is a day in the week
Its a wednesday or thursday
A march over months of the year

Travel. arrival
Years of an inch and a step
Toward a source
Im coming to you
Ill be there in time

Im coming to you
Ill be there in time

Take this
Mute mouth
Broken tongue.
Now this
Dark life
Is shot through with light

When I Need You

The joys of being uninsured (health-wise): I have gotten an infection that seems to be spreading. It started from a blister I had between two of my toes (how could I get a blister there??). Then the one toe turned red (and is slightly swollen and itchy) and then the redness started to spread up my foot. Here is a photo of my foot this morning:


You can see the pen line I drew around the red last night. I got some great recommendations (in lieu of antibiotics) of taking vitamin C, echinacea, etc to boost my immune system. I wanted to see if the red area got any bigger overnight. And it didn't!

Many thanks to Tara (www.taranaturalmedicine.com) and Tara (www.clinicconsortium.org) for their advice and recommendations! It made me think of that Leo Sayer song. 'Cause when I needed you guys, I just reached out and there you were.


WHEN I NEED YOU
(Albert Hammond/Carole Bayer Sager)

When I need you
I just close my eyes
And I’m with you
And all that I so wanna give you
It’s only a heartbeat away
When I need love
I hold out my hands
And I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day
Miles and miles of empty space in between us
A telephone can’t take the place of you smile
But you know I won’t be travelling forever
It’s cold out
But hold out
And do like I do
When I need you
I just close my eyes
And I’m with you
And all that I so wanna give you babe
It’s only a heartbeat away
It’s not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that’s a heavy load that we bear
But you know I won’t be travelling a lifetime
It’s cold out
But hold out
And do like I do
Oh I need you
...

Left Me Here

Poignant song by one of my favorite bands, Hem:

Leave Me Here

I should wake up this town—my heart’s on fire.
Main road and no one’s around as the flames climb higher.
I have been here before and I know the way,
but love seemed sweeter and sure in the light of day, in the light of day.

So as I rise, I will reach for the livin’ ..I’ll say no prayer
As tonight he brought me to heaven and left me here.

I could tell by his face—those two tired eyes—it’s been a long night searching for grace, and the sun won’t rise.
Now I have been here before, though I know I am lost.
‘Cause the same place that filled me with joy is a road I crossed, just a road I crossed.

... So as I rise, I will reach for the livin’... I’ll say no prayer.. cuz tonight love feels nothing like heaven, to leave me here.

Illuminate. Shine a light

OH MY GOD! I rediscovered a song that touches me, from before.. before the man who broke my heart, from before things turned sour in my marriage. Something I can hold onto now, something that will help me through this weirdness, this half-light. I'm tired of being on the threshold. So weary of this transition. Bring in the light, and make my heart strong.


Illuminate
by Orbital
(MP3)

Paint the world anew
Find a way to open all the joy in order to
Illuminate the strain
Fireworks in the blue
B'yond the burstin' endless shine
Show me where the real light is

Buildin' a wall inside
Wall round my heart
Buildin' a wall inside
Yeah
(repeat)

Paint the world anew
Find a way to open all the joy in order to
Alleviate the strain
Fireworks in the blue
B'yond the burstin' endless shine
Show me where the real light is
Show me where the real light is
Show me where the real light is

Buildin' a wall inside
Wall round my heart
Buildin' a wall inside
Yeah
(repeat)

I think the universe is laughing at me

I just cracked open my fortune cookie and it says "You will have good luck in your personal affairs."

A moment of bitterness

These lyrics say it all:


Lacrymosa
by Evanescence

Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?

(lacrimosa) Blame it on me
(dies illa) set your guilt free
(Lacrimosa) nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
grieving the things I can't repair and willing...

(Lacrimosa) To let you blame it on me
(dies illa) and set your guilt free
(Lacrimosa) I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

(Lacrimosa) And you can blame it on me
(dies illa) just set your guilt free, honey
(Lacrimosa) I don't want to hold you back now love

Revisitation

New song, wrote it tonight. Probably will get refined:

Revisitation
by Jennifer Wilde

I'm feeling blue, I'm feeling gray
And that's how things go today
Sometimes it is enough
to simply endure, simply endure

Taste the cup of my making
Swallow down this bitter elixir
Sometime it is enough
to simply endure, to simple endure

BRIDGE TO CHORUS
revisiting all my past loves
my past rejections
here i am again, floating

CHORUS
you swoop in when things get dark
try to milk me for all I'm worth
why is it when the sun is out
i can't see you at all?


The brightness is dimmed for now
Hazy gray half-light surrounding me
Clarity come and goes, circling round
Like an animal ready to feed

Bracing I sit intact feeling
pulling apart noticing everything
Open to those that would attack
Those that would feed those that would steal

BRIDGE TO CHORUS
revisiting all my past hurts
my faults and permutations
here i am again, questioning

CHORUS
you swoop in when things get dark
try to milk me for all I'm worth
why is it when the sun is out
i can't see you at all?

instrumental break

BRIDGE TO CHORUS
revisiting all my pitfalls
my pock marks, my visages
here I am again, screaming

CHORUS
you swoop in when things get dark
try to milk me for all I'm worth
why is it when the sun is out
i can't see you at all?

i cant let you swoop in
you cannot milk me
the sun will burn you
and i wont see you at all

Deep Aquamarine Mix

Remind me to make a CD of this mix... shuffle is at it again.

"Circle" by Sarah McLachlan
"Letting the Cables Sleep" by Bush
"Martha's Foolish Ginger" by Tori Amos
"Pilgramage" by Suzanne Vega
"Rain Comes Down" by eastmountainsouth
"Theyre not Waving" by Vyvienne Long
"Datura" by Tori Amos
"Right in Two" by Tool
"At This Point In My Life" by Tracy Chapman
"Seated Woman with a Parasol" by Tori Amos
"Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks
"Sugar" by Tori Amos
"Your Cloud" by Tori Amos
"Hold On To Me" by the Dixie Chicks
"Gypsy" by Suzanne Vega
"On a High" by Duncan Sheik
"White Elephant" by Radiohead

Just notice.

Notice the impulse to create. Notice the desire to hold onto it and act on that impulse. Notice the fear that if you do not act, you will never have another idea as good as that one. Notice the fatigue when you consider sitting down to create. Notice how the fatigue fades when you tell yourself you still have time to create later. Notice the fear that this is actually a lie.

Notice the impulse to reach out, to make contact. Notice the fear that in doing so, you are making a mistake. Notice the internal dialog that follows the impulse. Notice how the dialog changes when you write the email, add more personal bits, erase the personal bits. Notice the holding back, the feeling of withdrawl. Notice the uncertainty in that what you are doing is right. Notice how you doubt you know what is right. Notice the small voice trying to reassert that yes, you do know what is the right course. That you are on that course.

Just notice. Notice them all arise and fall.

Do nothing.

Hear a song on the iPod, coming up at random. Notice the wave of emotion. Notice how numb you have been the last hour.

Write this blog entry.


"Genius (Never Came Through)"
by Duncan Sheik

Clearly I'm a genius
If she only knew it
but somewhere in her radius
I really blew it
I know, I know what I said to her
and I know what I did
What I don't know is how I could ever be
so incredibly stupid

[CHORUS:]

(you don't really need to know every last detail.
Its hardly worth telling
suffice to say I said that I would be there
i never came through)

Maybe I'm a genius and
she just don't see it
I fronted,
I should have admitted,
she saw right through it
I never thought that I could be
so underhanded.
somehow I've cornered the market on
the double standard

[CHORUS]

For this act of genius
and so many others
I know I should apologize
and see how it goes

what am I waiting for?
come on, come on, come on, come on

sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la

to all of the geniuses..

Another good mix.

I'm on a Shuffle kick. Here is today's mix (driving back from the preschool):

Life's What you Make It by Talk Talk
Concertina by Tori Amos
My Iron Lung by Radiohead
The Universe and You by K.T.Tunstall
Waiting for the Sunrise by Love Spirals Downwards
Every Day is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails

all the songs flowed perfectly one into the other. Then I hit a Lyle Lovett song. Flow interrupted!

Good conversation with R. last night. In the retelling, sometimes you realize how bad things had gotten. I knew I was freaking out for a reason, but I didn't realize how right I was in putting the brakes on. Good to have validation in times like these.

Love is all around?

What is up with iTunes Shuffle today? All songs about love. Which is odd because I feel strangely flat and nuetral today:

I Feel Loved (Chamber's Remix) by Depeche Mode
Reach for Love by Ollabelle
Love's Labour's Lost by Love Spiral Downwards
Let's Start a Family by Bonnie "Prince" Billy

Settling down, feeling less overwhelmed. Had a fight with myself last night (disagreement, really ;) about how I wanted to spend my evening.

productive me: "You should practice cello"
lazy me: "UGH. Let's go see Die Hard at the Parkway"
productive me: "We are trying not to drink beer, plus it starts late"
lazy me: "So what? We don't have to be anywhere in the morning"
productive me: "Wait, I don't think we are even interested in seeing that movie"
lazy me: "Let's look at the trailer... huh. Yeah, you're right. Let's watch LOTR instead."
productive me: "NO!! Practice the damn cello for 15 minutes, you'll feel better afterwards."
lazy me: "Oh ALRIGHT!!"

Then my cello bow snapped. So I watched the second disc of Return of the King and went to bed.

Why Should I Cry For You?

iPod Shuffle has done it again. Brought me to a state of sadness in the middle of work. Why should I cry for you? Did you ever cry for me? Could you ever love me like I deserved?

Why Should I Cry For You
by Sting

Under the dog-star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North-north-west, the stones of Faroe

Under the Arctic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?

All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless fog
For all my days remaining

What would be true?
Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?

Tearing it all down

Here I am again. At the eye of the storm. Putting my foot down. Trying to make sense of the chaos. I drive home from my best friend's house, put my iPod on shuffle. And this song comes up:

Throw it All Away
by Zero 7

Try talking to you
While you do, while you do
I swap places with you
Just to see things through
Just sing me the tune
And you'll see
I'll keep it here for you
I'll wait for your cue

You wrote down all the words
Black and white
On a wall
Just keepin' it so
Yeah you know how it goes
No plans for a change, nothing strange
No not today no way
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

So you twist and you turn
Uncomfortable fool, you'll never learn
But you can take a stand
Forget all about the plans California rose

Side one track two
On a record of you
I've even stuck on a groove
That I don't wanna lose
Just play it again, as a friend
It's your favorite worn-in shoes
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away, yeah
Never needed any of it anyway

So you crash, and you burn
Sometimes the road will twist and turn
Some of this, less of that
Forget all about the map California road

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

Cash it in and throw it all away, yeah
Never needed any of it anyway

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway