Floating

Listening to this song now, as I complete my online traffic school. Its been a long weekend. Started with finding out that the father of a friend committed suicide. Sad and shocking and strange. And S and I are having our last farewell this week, perhaps over dinner.

This song, with its bare bones arrangement, is somehow fitting. The minor key strikes a cord in my heart, which is tired and empty right now.

Floating
by Sun Kil Moon

Come to me my love
One more night
Come on
Cause I don't wanna be without
Without you

In the air tonight
So cold and strange
Winter of loss
When I have changed
She is floating out too soon
So soon

In our room
Inside
With these ones
I want to hide
She is floating out too fast
Too fast

Come to me
My love
One more night
Come on
Cause I just wanna talk with you
Again

Come to me
My love
One more night
Come on
Cause I just wanna hold you close
Again

These are the last tears

Yep, another post about the new Indigo girls album. They've got some good ones on there.

These are the Last Tears
by the Indigo Girls

These are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you
My cryin's through I'm moving on
I don't regret and won't forget
A single thing that we went through
But there are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you

You take things so much easier than I do
And you could live your life without me if you had to
And you believe that in the end it all works out right
And I might if not for you
And if you ask one which one lives just alone for love
I do

There was a time when all signs pointed to the warm south
The planets all lined up and built a new house
And everything we talked about felt like a prophecy
And when you looked at me they all came true
And if you asked which one wants to go the distance
I do

I'm gonna rack my mind one last time until I cannot think
I'm gonna dip into your memory and take a good stiff drink
And when I'm drunk on the last drop of sadness about how we went wrong
I'm gonna play this song
Make some coffee black and strong
Give thanks for healing time
And finally make up my mind

Lyrics and love and life

Listening to the new Indigo Girls album. No surprises here musically, but when a line or two hits me in a vulnerable place.

from I Believe in Love:
I want to say that underneath it all you are still my friend
And the way that I fell for you I'll never fall that way again

from Fly Away:
I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say


I love Emily's songs, they speak for me, for sure.

All the Way
byt the Indigo Girls

I wasn't looking to shift my direction
My eyes straight ahead hands ten and two
The gravity of our first connection
Veering off the road and into you
All the people drive by slowly gawking at the scene
Of the smoldering inevitable spark and gasoline

All the way I met you head on full speed
At the heart the blue flames burns
All the way I took the crash course impact
But have I learned all that I'm supposed to learn

No amount of th playing safe could save me from this day
The head seeking path of my trajectory
Didn't we cooly divest of predestination
Slamming into futures we can't see
I know what can happen when there's more than meets teh eye
But there's no way to avoid it just get in the car and drive

All the way I met you head on full speed
At the heart the blue flame burns
All the way the crash course impact
But have I learned all that I'm supposed to learn

It makes me laugh talking over tea
When I can still smell the smoke on my sleeve
Steaming like gunsmoke the wreckage of our past
The scene of a crime I still can't leave
Oh you and me, we should let well enough be
But each revisitation points to clues
There's the oilslick of uncertainty
And warning signs back there we didn't use

At least we laugh about it now how we escaped alive
It's remarkable the mess we make and what we can survive

Sad to see you go

Even though it didn't work out between us, I am sad to see you go. Even though this is obviously the best thing for your health and well-being, I still wish you could stay.

I will always remember how you held me that day in the swimming pool. How I felt utterly relaxed and at ease, safe in your arms.

You made making music fun for me again. I was so happy, building the studio with you. You made me smile and laugh. And yet your darkness mirrored my own at times. There were many times I felt we were two hurt children huddling together for warmth.

I knew it couldn't last. Too transitional. But I wish you all the best, I really do.

Another goodbye. I feel like an anxious toddler who fell down, looking at mom to see if I should cry or not. Is now the time to cry? I am more upset than I thought I would be, but not enough to get too worked up.

Acceptance, I guess.

A Perfect Moment

I bought a $37 BART ticket this morning and promptly lost it on the escalator. I stood on the platform, called C. and cried into the phone. "Its all too much" I said, weeping.

Dragged myself to the gym, harried, bitter, sad, and flustered. Late. Concentrated on each exercise as though I was giving birth. I can't possibly do five more. I CAN'T... ohhhhh god. THERE." A long shower and steam later, and I feel as though I have been reset.

My day at work is jam packed, but I manage. Picked up my darling boy and had dinner with the girls. Skyler dropped all of his chips and they gave us another serving for free. I swallowed a large piece of chip and wondered if I would have to go to the emergency room, as it slowly makes its excruitating way down my esophagus. Skyler cracked his head into my nose (damn that boy's head is hard!) and he went to the counter and asked the women for some ice for it (I love him!!)

At the ice cream parlor, there is a miscommunication and Skyler cries when he finds out that he is getting just the smoothie, not ice cream. So the guy behind the counter gives him a scoop for free. Meanwhile, I've dropped my cone on the floor and he replaces it for free. I slide a few dollars into the tip jar, while C. shakes her head at me and smiles "You're a mess, dude!"

And yet, none of this bothers me. I'm able to shrug and laugh at myself. Ahhhhhhh

Then I'm driving down Ashby towards College, on my way to meditation. The air is warm, the breeze cool, my arm out the window. The sun is setting in front of me, and Red Dust by Zero 7 comes on, a lovely instrumental that brings a smile to my face and its all alright. In fact, its a pretty magical place in my life right now. It doesn't matter that there isn't someone here in the car to share this moment with me. Because I am the special person that I have been waiting for.

Post-meditation, I listen to Peter Gabriel singing with Afro Celt Sound System. I will always enjoy the sound of his voice. No, no, they can't take that away from me. Oh they can't take that away from me.

These Precious Things

Its been a while, hasn't it? I've been buried in work it seems. Only temporary, though. And I can start to see the slightest glimmer of light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Tunnel, black with slick wet walls. Nothing behind me and a dim light ahead. Low ceiling, I can barely stand. Feels like I'm suffocating, where's the exit? A panicked need to get out, alternating with mild dispair that falls short of acceptance. That's where I've been lately, when I'm on my own.

Last night I was in the tunnel, conjured a flame, blazing bright, and saw the messages on the wall. Messages of hope, messages of anger. I am not alone.

I remember a sign I saw in SF last night: "The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet". And I think of a Tori Amos song that shifts in feeling depending on the mood I have when listening. And I feel a little more hopeful.


Precious Things
by Tori Amos

So I ran faster
But it caught me here
Yes my loyalties turned
Like my ankle
In the seventh grade
Running after Billy
Running after the rain

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break
Their hold on me

He said you're really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
Can you believe
That sick
Holding on to his picture
Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces
Of those beautiful boys
Those Christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesn't make you Jesus

These precious things...

I remember
Yes
In my peach party dress
No one dared
No one cared
To tell me
Where the pretty girls are
Those demigods
With their nine-inch nails
And a little fascist panties
Tucked inside the heart
Of every nice girl

These precious things...

The End, in Eleven Songs

I have a final mix for D's mix CD in response to the one he sent me months ago. Meaty stuff in here. I wonder if he will listen to it all, and what he will think if he does. I will ask him to listen once, and after that he can throw it out.

Between by Vienna Teng ("and the third one between replaces what once was love ")
Washing of the Water by Peter Gabriel ("Letting go, it's so hard/The way it's hurting now/To get this love untied")
Farewell by Rosie Thomas ("I miss the way you danced with me")
It Ought to Be Easier by Lyle Lovett ("And it ought to be easier/To leave when you know that you have to go")
Soap and Water by Suzanne Vega ("scrub the salt from my stinging skin/slip me loose of this wedding band")
Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon ("But it's not so bad/You're just the best I ever had ")
Widow's Walk by Suzanne Vega ("Consider me a widow boys...It's not the man, but it's the marriage that was drowned")
Wedding Day by Rosie Thomas (lyrics and mp3 here)
Beautiful Dawn by The Wailin Jennys ("Show me how to love in the darkest dark")
Mark's Song by eastmountainsouth ("may you find your way in peace")

I like to think that this represents the whole experience for me of this. The cux, the letting go, the loss, the love, the bitterness, the necessary cruelty, the separation, the sadness, the healing, the hope for the future.

I hope he sees it the same way. I hope I can touch him the way he has touched me.

It Ought To Be Easier

Driving up to Mendocino this weekend, I put iPod on shuffle and heard a Lyle Lovett song I hadn't heard before, which is perfect (lyrics below). D. made me a mix CD months ago and for one reason and another I hadn't listened to it until today. The finality of it, the emotion behind it, startled me. It brought tears to my eyes.

I'm making one in return, and this song is going to be on there:

It Ought To Be Easier
by Lyle Lovett

Tell your mama I love her
Tell your daddy I tried
Tell them I wish that I could explain
The way that I'm feeling

See the sun comes up on the pavement
The pavement it starts to sweat
The steam rises up from the water
And the hotter it is you know the harder it gets

And it ought to be easier
When you turn your lights down low
And it ought to be easier
To leave when you know that you have to go

I know you don't believe me
And I know you don't understand
But honey the way that you treat me
I can't even tell who I am

And you tell me I'm the one you're not to blame
And you tell me I make you feel the same way
And we talk in circles but we never say
It's just out of weakness that both of us stay

And it ought to be easier
When you turn your lights down low
And it ought to be easier
To leave when you know that you have to go

I look at you when you're sleeping
And I think about how it could be
If you would wake up and open your arms
And hold me

But you look at me when you wake up
With eyes that are angry and mean
And I turn away and walk into the kitchen
And I pray for the strength to leave

Because it ought to be easier
When you turn your lights down low
And it ought to be easier
To leave when you know that you have to go
To leave when you know that you have to go

So tell your mama I love her
I hope she knows that I tried
Tell her I wish that I could explain
The way that I'm feeling

See the sun comes up on the pavement
The pavement it starts to sweat
The steam rises up from the water
And the hotter it is you know the harder it gets
The hotter it is you know the harder it gets
The hotter it is you know the harder it gets