Bahhhston

I'm sitting in a Starbuck's, waiting for Sean to arrive. He's late. Usually, I HATE when people are late. My time is pretty scheduled, so I don't have a lot of leeway. I try to be flexible, but I like for people to respect my time. In this case, however, Sean's tardiness is actually a blessing in disguise. I logged in and responded to a couple of work messages that needed my attention today. I also got a draft of the burning man holiday card out while I was waiting. So productive!! So timely! So fortunate! :)

Reminds me that when things don't got my way, to look for the silver lining. Not that I need much of a nudge in that direction, as I tend to be a glass-half-full kinda gal ;)

New England in the fall is beautiful. I'll write more later about my tripping around Cape Cod today.

Chi-ca-go

Totally frivolous, working on my laptop in O'Hare airport. I already sent off the work I did on the plane. Now I'm just passing time. Should be another 15 minutes until we start boarding again for my flight to Boston. Wheeeeee!

Good mix on the iPod yesterday:

aretha franklin - (sweet sweet baby) since youve been gone
dixie chicks - so hard
dixie chicks - lullaby
toni braxton - youre making me high
hush hush - fake
hem - half acre
everything but the girl - five fathoms
rosanne cash - the world unseen
grizzly bear - lullabye
jellyfish - russian hill
k d lang - so shall it be
sun kil moon - exit does not exist
radiohead - gotosleep
david sylvian - I surrender
peter gabriel - slow marimbas


and this morning was nice too, starting with my 4am pickup by super shuttle at my house, through my landing in O'Hare (with some pauses in between):

jeff beck, f. imogene heap - rolling and tumbling
tears for fears - shout
m. ward - eyes on the prize
peter gabriel - no self control
peter gabriel - here comes the flood
suzanne vega - no cheap thrill
peter gabriel - steam (live)
baba maal - call to prayer (passion sources)
sun kil moon - truckers atlas
lucious jackson - satellite
afro celt soundsystem - life begin again
tears for fears - head over heels
peter gabriel - zaar
rosie thomas - i run
tori amos - carbon
thompson twins - doctor doctor
suzanne vega - soap and water (ahhhh)
tori amos - mother revolution
zero7 - over our heads
golden palominos - breakdown
kansas - play the game tonight
kathleen edwards - good things
zero7 - give it away
suzanne vega - wooden horse
the animators - good day
eastmountainsouth - Show me the River
peter gabriel - mercy street

going to Boston!

Ahhh I'm so excited! Tomorrow I'm getting picked up at the ungodly hour of 4:25am to be whisked away to SFO. Spend all day flying, arrive in Boston, drive to Cape Cod, girls dinner out Saturday night with K. Sunday we spend time with her two girls in the country, then head back to Boston, where I am meeting S at the John Hancock Observatory. I know, I know, its strange that he and I are in Boston at the same time. He just moved to St Louis, but his sister is near Boston. It was too coincidental not to see each other :) What does it all mean? Hell, I don't know! I've given up on being able to read the fates. I just like to keep my options open ;)

ADDENDUM: I just started iTunes, random and came up with this song (hahahahah!)

Since You've Been Gone (Sweet Sweet Baby) by

Aretha Franklin

Baby baby, sweet baby
There's something that I just got to say
Baby baby, sweet baby
You left me hurtin' in a real cold way

Speak your name
And I'll feel a thrill
You said I do
And I said I will

I tell you that I'll stay true
and give you just a little time
Wait on me baby,
I want you to be all mine
I just get so blue

Since you've been gone, baby
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)

(bridge)

Baby baby, sweet baby
I didn't mean to run you away
It was pride on my lips,
But not in my heart
To say the things that made you stray
But ah, babe
Hear me now
(hear me)
I don't know what I'm gonna do
(hear me)
Got to get you back somehow
(hear me now)
Oooh, take me back,
consider me please
If you walk in that door,
I can get up off my knees
I just been so blue

Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Well I've been so lonely
(sweet sweet - sweet sweet baby)
Baby, since you've been gone
(sweet sweet - sweet sweet baby)
I've been so lonely
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Baby baby baby been so lonely
(sweet sweet - sweet sweet baby)

If I Were to Wake Up

There was a time, dear, where once you did love me. There was a time... you loved me no more. What a sweet song. One I love singing harmony to.

I just want to know: the way you lie sleeping, is it like before?

If I Were To Wake Up
by Lyle Lovett

If you were to wake up
And I were beside you
Would you gently smile dear
And whisper my name
And would you remember
The way that I held you
And would you want me
To hold you again

Time reaches to you
Just like a willow
That bends to the water
And clings to the shore
And there was a time dear
That once you did love me
And there was a time
You loved me no more

Rain on your window
Light on your pillow
The way you lie sleeping
Is it like before
For there was a time dear
That once you did love me
And there was a time
You loved me no more

really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree

Yeaaaaaaaaah I'm having a glass of sake and listening to Steve Miller band. CAUGHT RED HANDED. Ahh yess.. and I'm actually doing work too. Looooooooooooser!!!

As you can tell, I'm not taking myself too seriously right now. Hey! This is the perfect time to answer some personal ads.

NOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!!!

ok ok.. maybe I'll just try to IM friends and finish work. Fuck it, I'm going to bed.

A New Chapter

I announced in therapy today that I wanted to transition from weekly meetings to once a month check-ins. It seemed abrupt at first, and yet, when I think of all the work I have done over the last 2.2 years, its not so abrupt after all. It feels right. It feels like I have turned a corner. I feel more beautiful and alive and more myself than I have in my entire life.

What an amazing time. "Oh, hello! THERE you are" :)

Family Day at Spirit Rock

Sunday I took my son to Spirit Rock for Family Day. I had no idea what to expect: what age ranges of kids would be there, how Skyler would like it, if I would like it. And I have to say it was a really lovely experience! The morning program involved ringing a bell and listening in silence, a story about the Buddha, some skits and talking about the theme, which was Wise Speech.

The tenets of Wise Speech:
1. truthful
2. kind
3. good timing
4. not gossiping

After lunch, kids broke into age groups to do music, stories and crafts, while parents did meditaition and had a dharma talk. Gil Fronsdal was one of the teachers, and, really, the reason I decided to go. I've listened to him talk at IMC in Redwood City once, and listened to numerous audio dharma. His voice has a calming effect on me. I actually sat next to his wife and sons on Sunday :) Nice folks.

The kids came in to close the day. Skyler had a blast and didn't want to sit with me. He took his cushion and sat right up front, in front of the teachers. When they announced that the next Family Day was on January 27, his hand shot up in the air and he announced to everyone (when called upon) that that was "my mommy's birthday". So funny!

We'll be going back on Jan 27. It was so very special to share my spirituality with Skyler in such a practical, yet fun way.

another good mix

Good mix in the morning, poignant, sweet:

Everyone's Gotta Learn Sometime by Beck
Those Whole Girls by Suzanne Vega
Bliss by Tori Amos
Morning Song by Zero7
Use Me by Bill Withers (live at Carnegie Hall)
Sacred Stones by Sheila Chandra
Summerlong by Kathleen Edwards

Finally starting to feel better. I've been sick for a while. Need to get back on track. Settling in. That is all.

Moving day

Earlier, I came in touch with my own divinity. I saw all time and space come into one point of focus, like when you are seeing double and it suddenly resolves. All points in time and space, together. And in that way of seeing, how could i be sad for the fact that he was bitter and angry at me, might never call me his friend again? How could I be sad that I had closed the door on one of my great loves, and set myself adrift outside of partnership? How could I regret that he was moving away when all our potential was unrealized? I couldn't, because every moment is now.

I felt alive in a way I could not describe. And yet I felt as though I were greeting my long-lost self. "oh hello.. there you are." Left feeling positively fantastic. All these endings have cleared the way for my beginning.

I can still conjure that feeling now. But its not quite as triumphant as it was earlier today.

S came and moved his stuff out of my house. "I'm embarrassed at how much I had at your place. You must have thought I was crazy!" No, my dear. I thought you were troubled and grasping, unsure of your path, but not crazy.

He promises to leave me a microphone when he comes back for his motorcycle. He has given me a pair of speakers, a mic stand, a battery backup for my computer, moving blankets for sound proofing, and a wire rack that used to hold his 32-track recorder. He promises to mix down the tracks we did together. He apologizes for not being creatively present when we were working on music.

Its been a trying year for him. Hell, its been a trying year for me too. He says "I guess I was just hoping something would magically happen" gesturing towards the stuff in his car, and my house. I nod. "For what it's worth, I did too," I tell him.

At the end, we are standing at the top of my stairs, near his packed car. He holds me, and says he is sorry. He thanks me for bringing light into his life when things were so very dark. I do not say much; I am suprised to feel the tears sparkling in my eyes. I hold him, my hands stroking his back and neck. "Its ok," I say, "I understand." A surprisingly sweet goodbye. I had not expected to feel this surge of emotion.

He promises to take me to dinner when he returns in a couple weeks to check on his business. I don't actually know if I will see him again.

I do know it is all for the best. I can feel it. When I tap into that place of all time and space existing simultaneously, I can feel my sadness drop away, feel is shifting into something different... into gratitude and love.