Holding it in... letting it go...

Lately it seems to me that my life is a big exercise in non-attachment. Which is the way it is for everyone, I suppose, given that human beings are prone to attachment even though it creates so much suffering.

But back to me :) I don't like to get too general, it makes me feel detached. In the last couple months, I have been developing an attachment to a certain outcome in the arena of relationships. And I have read into recent events the possibility of the attainment of that outcome, and assume it would happen in a certain way.

This is bullshit. I'm being deliberately vague and that's not how I want to be.

I want you to come back, but I'm afraid to ask you. I want to be one of the reasons you come back, but not the only one. I don't know how long I am willing to stay in this limbo. Every time I see you, it gets harder to let you go.

Part of me hopes you will read this, and part of me hopes that I can gather the words and the courage to tell you.

I know that whatever happens is the right way. That everything happens for a reason. That my life is good, and my happiness does not depend on this outcome.

But damnit, I just want my heart to be RIGHT for once. And I know how petty and selfish that sounds.