i love it here, why aren't you here too?

On Thursday morning, driving in to work over the Bay Bridge, Ocean Breathes Salty came up on iTunes. I felt a powerful ache in my heart, for S. who wasn't here to see how beautiful it is. And my love for this place and longing for him tangled up and squeezed like creeping vines around my heart.

I just talked to him tonight. He is lost, does not know where he is supposed to go. I keep telling myself I cannot heal him, I cannot guide him. I can only be here, feeling what I feel, moving forward despite my feelings for him. I answered personal ads on Sunday night. It all seems weird. But this is what my life is like now. Moving forward in the strangeness. I have not yet settled, nor do I want to. I want to remain open, see where life takes me.

here is the song:

Ocean Breathes Salty (mp3)

Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?