right speech, and what it means to me
Recently (today) I had an invaluable opportunity to reflect on right speech. I got an email today that pushed all my buttons, pressed me beyond my sphere of being kind, compassionate, and rational. It provoked me in a way that I RARELY get provoked. Usually I can see both sides, and can empathize with what someone is saying. I try really hard to get beyond my own filters and my own way of seeing the world to appreciate what someone has to teach me.
This email tested the boundaries of acceptance and compassion, and also tested my ability to stand my ground and to make a boundary that I feel is right for me and for my son. This email was on the heels of another she had sent earlier: one that sent me into a complete tailspin of anger and confusion and defensiveness. I couldn't even respond to the first email, I was so overwhelmed. I wanted to say the right thing, but knew that in my state of anger that I would not be able to remain objective, calm, and rational.
Today's email came when I was just about to write a reply of conciliation and understanding. I had planned to write an email that would be a bridge across worlds; I would not even respond to the original email point-by-point, because I felt that would be a trap into defensiveness and divisiveness. And so when today's email came in, I reacted. I reacted in a way that honored my anger, but also was thought-out enough to be right, for me. I had spent a lot of time composing a reply to the original email in my head. I had never committed this reply to type because every time I thought to do so, I started boiling in a storm of anger.
I reacted with anger, but kept in mind this: "What is the goal that I am trying to accomplish with my communication?" I knew that I would not "win" this argument. My goal was not to change her mind or make her accept the things that I have done. My goal was not to show her she was wrong. My goal was to challenge her point of view, to point out why I could not accept it. It was not to make her wrong, it was to point out our considerable differences. She thought I meant to shame her. She could not have been farther from the truth.
In the end, I had to accept the fact that she will not accept responsibility for the feelings she has caused not only in me, but in the online community we share. She will not accept the fact that I no longer feel safe to post freely. She will not feel more compassion for me. And I accept this as who she is in this moment, and I am not attached to her changing in the future.
But I feel good having said what I needed to say, to meet her attack with a boundary, that she cannot continue to treat me this way. I will not spend time with her, nor will my son, if I have any say. Its not out of malice, but out of a need for safety.
I feel clear about that.
I was bullied as a child, to the point of suffering trauma. I will no longer stand by and allow myself to be trampled as I was when I was a child. She has every right to her opinion, as misguided as I may think it to be (who am I to judge?). I honor her experience that has lead her to these conclusions, this action. I just WILL NOT stand by and take it any longer.
And in this moment, I feel, not a self-righteousness, but a RIGHTNESS.
This email tested the boundaries of acceptance and compassion, and also tested my ability to stand my ground and to make a boundary that I feel is right for me and for my son. This email was on the heels of another she had sent earlier: one that sent me into a complete tailspin of anger and confusion and defensiveness. I couldn't even respond to the first email, I was so overwhelmed. I wanted to say the right thing, but knew that in my state of anger that I would not be able to remain objective, calm, and rational.
Today's email came when I was just about to write a reply of conciliation and understanding. I had planned to write an email that would be a bridge across worlds; I would not even respond to the original email point-by-point, because I felt that would be a trap into defensiveness and divisiveness. And so when today's email came in, I reacted. I reacted in a way that honored my anger, but also was thought-out enough to be right, for me. I had spent a lot of time composing a reply to the original email in my head. I had never committed this reply to type because every time I thought to do so, I started boiling in a storm of anger.
I reacted with anger, but kept in mind this: "What is the goal that I am trying to accomplish with my communication?" I knew that I would not "win" this argument. My goal was not to change her mind or make her accept the things that I have done. My goal was not to show her she was wrong. My goal was to challenge her point of view, to point out why I could not accept it. It was not to make her wrong, it was to point out our considerable differences. She thought I meant to shame her. She could not have been farther from the truth.
In the end, I had to accept the fact that she will not accept responsibility for the feelings she has caused not only in me, but in the online community we share. She will not accept the fact that I no longer feel safe to post freely. She will not feel more compassion for me. And I accept this as who she is in this moment, and I am not attached to her changing in the future.
But I feel good having said what I needed to say, to meet her attack with a boundary, that she cannot continue to treat me this way. I will not spend time with her, nor will my son, if I have any say. Its not out of malice, but out of a need for safety.
I feel clear about that.
I was bullied as a child, to the point of suffering trauma. I will no longer stand by and allow myself to be trampled as I was when I was a child. She has every right to her opinion, as misguided as I may think it to be (who am I to judge?). I honor her experience that has lead her to these conclusions, this action. I just WILL NOT stand by and take it any longer.
And in this moment, I feel, not a self-righteousness, but a RIGHTNESS.
posted by jennifer at
11:29 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Jenn,
I went through something similar to my father a few years back. What I found helpful was to write all the venomous emails I could, one after the other, but I never addressed or sent them. Not sure if that actually is right speech, but I needed to work through the feelings, and all the rage, and frustration and anger needed it's voice too.
A couple of years after this escalated into a full-blown battle of words and egos (I did eventually send a message with my feelings), I felt ready to visit him in person (he lives in Thailand). Here is a link to a blog post I wrote after that trip which I think you will find good food for thought. http://explorationsoftruth.blogspot.com/2007/12/biting-ones-tongue.html
My friend (and your old boss) Gary counseled me during the meltdown that email is a miserable medium for resolving disputes and I must fully agree with that. In person, people can work through their differences, but when emotions run high, email lacks too much in immediacy to be able to get to the underlying truth, which has to include the emotions of the moment.
Good work and good luck and thanks for posting.
By
Ted, At
7:58 AM
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