Bahama Mama

Yes, that is the name of the drink I am sipping. Its been a fun time here in Miami. I traveled here for the Internet Retailers Web Design & Usabililty Conference. I have learned a ton and am super jazzed about it all. Got stuck in one room with my two (female) colleagues, which turned out to be a slumber party/dorm atmosphere. I found out they are BOTH into Tori Amos, but not Ani DiFranco, which is a miracle unto itself. Definitely a good bonding time as well as educational.

Make tomorrow today

First song of the day from iTunes. Reminds me of how I spent so much of last year praying for 2008 to come. Another beautiful song from Mr Gabriel, rich in texture, lyrically simple. Makes me want to put on my wedding dress, see myself in the mirror, get lost in the memories.

Make Tomorrow
by Peter Gabriel

Put on the dress in which you were married
Pull down the veil til your eyes are hid
Can you remember where we both came from
Let us do as we did

Look at tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

Put back the photo under your window
Put down the phone that you hold in your hand
Put away these things that stand in between us
Let us be what we can
When it seems
Hopeless
When it seems
Hopeless

Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

What better measure of what you were doing here
Then what you can leave behind
All the children of your children's children
Do you ever think what they're going to find
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the sacred meet the scared
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the dreamer's dream is dared

In each of us
A dream can burn like the sun
Let's try it all one more time
To get this lesson learned

Sitting up in a spaceship
Looking down at the earth
You wonder what they all stuggling for
What's it all really worth
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow

going to the ball!

Tonight I will be going to the Edwardian Ball once again. I beautiful costume event with loads of entertainment. This year I have some dear friends attending with me and it should be a blast!

I spent some time getting a costume together, which I haven't done for years. Here's a little sneak peak. I am not a seamstress, and managed to assemble this costume using mostly existing pieces and the judicious use of safety pins. More photos tonight, I'm sure!

Meanwhile I have a whole day of work, a trip to the gym, and an afternoon with my son before I can get ready for the big night.

Where I Am At

A Moment to Myself
by Macy Gray

I saw a rainbow just earlier today
Lately those rainbows be comin' round like everyday
Deep in the struggle I have found the beauty of me
God is watchin and the devil finally let me be
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

They're all lookin at you, you've got everything to lose
Get up and dance girl, sing your tu-rah-loo-rah-loo
And quit bitchin bout how don't nobody really love you
Spread your rubber lovin and it bounces back to you
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

Flowers are bloomin under gray skies and moons
Seems like I'm winnin everytime I lose
And the answers I been looking for been here all this time
Spread my rubber lovin and everything was fine
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

we close our eyes

I still like this song :)

We Close Our Eyes
by Oingo Boingo

We close our eyes
We close our eyes and dream and the world has turned around again
When everybody is running in the big race
And having a good time
Who am I to cast a shadow
Who am I?
I looked Death in the face last night
I saw him in a mirror
And he simply smiled
He told me not to worry
He told me just to take my time

Chorus:
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream and another year has come and gone
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream ...

And if you come to me
And if you touch my hand
I might just slip away
I might just disappear
Who am I?
And if you think I'm worth it
And if you think it's not too late
We might start falling
If we don't try to hard
We might start falling in love

(Chorus)
We're on the healing path
We're on a roller coaster ride
That could never turn back
And if you love me
And if you really try
To make the seconds count
Then we can close our eyes
(chorus)
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again

we close our eyes

I still like this song :)

We Close Our Eyes
by Oingo Boingo

We close our eyes
We close our eyes and dream and the world has turned around again
When everybody is running in the big race
And having a good time
Who am I to cast a shadow
Who am I?
I looked Death in the face last night
I saw him in a mirror
And he simply smiled
He told me not to worry
He told me just to take my time

Chorus:
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream and another year has come and gone
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream ...

And if you come to me
And if you touch my hand
I might just slip away
I might just disappear
Who am I?
And if you think I'm worth it
And if you think it's not too late
We might start falling
If we don't try to hard
We might start falling in love

(Chorus)
We're on the healing path
We're on a roller coaster ride
That could never turn back
And if you love me
And if you really try
To make the seconds count
Then we can close our eyes
(chorus)
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again

past loves put to rest

Its a good thing I'm not this dramatic anymore! Nice to be more even keel these days.

Ghost
by the Indigo Girls

Theres a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippis mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess thats how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And theres not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Im in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
Id walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
Ive never been this close
Im in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh Im forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I cant swim free
The river is too deep
Though Im baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

Holding it in... letting it go...

Lately it seems to me that my life is a big exercise in non-attachment. Which is the way it is for everyone, I suppose, given that human beings are prone to attachment even though it creates so much suffering.

But back to me :) I don't like to get too general, it makes me feel detached. In the last couple months, I have been developing an attachment to a certain outcome in the arena of relationships. And I have read into recent events the possibility of the attainment of that outcome, and assume it would happen in a certain way.

This is bullshit. I'm being deliberately vague and that's not how I want to be.

I want you to come back, but I'm afraid to ask you. I want to be one of the reasons you come back, but not the only one. I don't know how long I am willing to stay in this limbo. Every time I see you, it gets harder to let you go.

Part of me hopes you will read this, and part of me hopes that I can gather the words and the courage to tell you.

I know that whatever happens is the right way. That everything happens for a reason. That my life is good, and my happiness does not depend on this outcome.

But damnit, I just want my heart to be RIGHT for once. And I know how petty and selfish that sounds.

eternal sunshine

I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in the theater (March 2004), and at the end of the movie, I agreed with the main characters. I thought that I would make the same life choices over again if I had the opportunity, even if there was the promise of pain.

I saw it again tonight on DVD and wept at the ending. Is it because now there are memories I would rather have erased? Or is it because I, like Clementine, wanted my Joel to come after me and insist that we be together, no matter what the ending might be?

i love it here, why aren't you here too?

On Thursday morning, driving in to work over the Bay Bridge, Ocean Breathes Salty came up on iTunes. I felt a powerful ache in my heart, for S. who wasn't here to see how beautiful it is. And my love for this place and longing for him tangled up and squeezed like creeping vines around my heart.

I just talked to him tonight. He is lost, does not know where he is supposed to go. I keep telling myself I cannot heal him, I cannot guide him. I can only be here, feeling what I feel, moving forward despite my feelings for him. I answered personal ads on Sunday night. It all seems weird. But this is what my life is like now. Moving forward in the strangeness. I have not yet settled, nor do I want to. I want to remain open, see where life takes me.

here is the song:

Ocean Breathes Salty (mp3)

Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

I could have written this song last year

Monopoly
by Shawn Colvin

I don't know what else to do
I would rather do anything
Than write this song for you
And perpetuate this thing
In my head, in my living room
With the usual arsenal
Of broken chords and rusty strings
To surrender all


And I don't like to be so weak
Retreating behind these lines
The same old tongue-in-cheek
Regretting that both are mine
And I don't like to live this way
This is really true
But I know better than to pray now
About what I just have to learn to do
But imagine the nerve of God
Letting me let you in
And I thought I could let you go in grace
I've gotta think again


Because right now I would be bought
and sold
To see your face somewhere
I would sell your sweet soul
Just to touch your crazy black gold hair
I don't care what's really real
I was someone that you'd heard of
I saw heaven in your eyes
And we made a deal
And that's what I know of love


Music, it never goes
But I told you I hate that shit
When people say"well you know
You got a song out of it"
But I don't know what else to do
I would rather be anywhere
Than here without you