Big Deal

Listening to a song by Everything but the Girl that I've never heard. I swear to god. How did it get into my iTunes?

Big Deal

You don't know what's wrong, you only know it isn't right.
You don't remember for how long, but you wake in tears at night.
Big deal.
Big deal.

You spend four nights a week now looking for your inner child.
What you gonna say when you find him?
Suppose you don't like him or he doesn't like you?
Suppose once you wake him up he won't go back to bed and wants to stay up late
Watching TV?
But you say there must be some reason why you feel this way.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?

You say you wanna get cured, you wanna turn off your head.
Oh and you say it hurts, and you feel unsure.
First you doubt yourself and then you doubt her.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way I feel.
Big deal, what she think she feels?
What is it you wanna feel?
I don't think you wanna feel

Relationship burn out

Just watched two days in Paris. It was ok. Seemed to follow a similar format to Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, only it didn't grab me like those movies.


What I did find mildly interesting (if somewhat morbid) was her final monologue. She and her boyfriend of two years took a trip to Venice (which sounded like it didn't go well at all) and then decide to stop in Paris for two days before going home. While there, he meets a bunch of her exes, and ends up accusing her of having an affair with one. They part on the streets, and meet up again a couple hours later. They have this last conversation, which appears to be a break-up conversation (although it was unclear at the end if they stayed together or not).

Anyway, she narrates over their whole conversation:

It always fascinates me how people go from loving you madly... to nothing at all

nothing.

it hurts so much

here is it. one more, one less. another wasted love story

i really loved this one

...

we will slowly think of each other less and less
until we forget each other completely...

almost.

its always the same for me:

break up, break down
drink up, fool around
meet one guy, then another,
fuck around, forget the one and only,

then after a few months, of total emptiness,
start again to look for true love
desperately look everywhere

and after two years of loneliness
meet a new love and swear it is the one
until its gone as well

movie review: the Fall

I swear, I wanted to see Indiana Jones. I bought the right ticket and everything. I went upstairs, saw the door to the theater closed, then hopped the railing and went in the other theater.

The movie was late, about 20 minutes late starting. That should have tipped me off. The previews rolled on and then the movie started... only... it didn't look like Indiana Jones. The intro was gorgeously shot, overexposed color and slow motion. It looked like an older time, there was a steam engine on train tracks, high above a river. Men shouting, working hard to haul something out of the water. A horse, slumped in straps. Then the title of the movie came up: The Fall

I used my iphone to check out the synopsis to see if I should stay or go. Here is the synopsis:

In a hospital on the outskirts of 1920s Los Angeles, an injured stuntman (Pace) begins to tell a fellow patient, a little girl with a broken arm (Untaru), a fantastical story about 5 mythical heroes. Thanks to his fractured state of mind and her vivid imagination, the line between fiction and reality starts to blur as the tale advances.

So I sat back and watched. It was really quite fanciful at times, and sad at others. I got the same feeling I got when I watched Cinema Paradiso. Touched and enthralled. And I had no idea what I was in for.

I think you should see it too. Here is the trailer.

Walk Away

Spent a very lovely evening showing my new friend Catherine around SF. Tomorrow she heads back to her home in Montreal.

On the way home, I put the iPhone on shuffle and got this song:

"Walk Away"
by Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

CHORUS
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

CHORUS

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

CHORUS

Closing in

I debated whether or not to go to the cocktail networking function after the conference today. I'm glad I did. Met a whole bunch of Canadians (and a midwesterner) and took them to the Globe. I think they were suitable impressed :) I have had a lot of good memories at that restaurant. D used to take me there when I got back from traveling to the midwest to remind me of why I live in San Francisco. They have excellent food, and they server dinner late (open until 1am on weekdays). They are known among restaurant folk as a good after-work place.

Back in my house in the hills. I stood on the deck and smoked a clove cigarette, the spice lingering on my tongue, a smile on my lips. The mist closing in on my house, making things seems cosy in the dark. A nice night.

Closing In
by Imogen Heap
mp3

I can't wait
To be with you
No I just can't sit still,
Are we there yet?
Takes me back,
I remember
Such a magical place
It was all you...

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way

Frame by frame,
Red speed ahead
A city dissolving,
The threat of your love in the headlights
Is it safe now?
Will your arms be open?
I just have to kiss you,
Try and stop me

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in
It’s all that I want in the whole world
Closing in
Please be there, please be there

What are you like?
Where did you get to?
No word no nothing
You didn't hold me, for any longer
Did you walk for the fear of love?
Or don't you believe enough?
Well I'll cover both of us
You can leave that to me!

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in...closing in...

how does my garden grow?

Did some more work on my garden this weekend: installed more plants. Its really coming along!

my new tattoo?

I have a two tattoos that I am planning. One is a set of wings (small and black with iridescent blue/green coloring). The other is one that is music themed. I wanted to have a graphical treatment of musical symbols, and I think I finally hit on one that I like!



This will go on my right shoulder. I think I need to sleep on it and see, but I'm very close.

yellow submarine needs to go to the playa

I built a 7.5' long yellow submarine for my son's kindergarten class' variety show act. It is now sitting in my carport, begging to be taken to Burning Man this year. Free of charge! I would love to see pictures of it on the playa, and pictures of it burning. It is essentially a cardboard box, with masking tape and newspaper.

I also have a bunch of paper fish on sticks that were used as props. You can take those too if you want. I will also throw in the rest of the yellow paint, in case you need it.

documentation on how I built it

leave a comment on this blog to contact me.

god I love him

This morning Sky has a hard time picking what he wants for breakfast. To get over his frustration in the moment, he goes to iTunes to pick out music. "The amp isn't on" I say as I walk away. I start making banana bread and music comes on. "This sounds like Prince"

more house cleaning

Deleted over 3000 emails from my Sent folder, some going back to 2002. Deleted entire groups of client emails. Trashed emails from old lovers without even looking at them (ok, I did look at SOME :)

Clearing the space feels so GOOD. Now its time to go to bed. But FIRST: a little Law & Order....

Yelp!

I am addicted to Yelp. Help! :) eeeeegads

I've posted exactly four reviews, and I'm itching to do more. Why do I have to work? Oh right, the money! ;)

http://jenniferwilde.yelp.com

funny developer Tshirts

The Moscone Center is on my walk between BART and the office. Right now the Apple WWDC is going on. Briefly flirted with the idea of trolling for a date there, dismissed after a brief chuckle.

But I did see a couple of funny T-shirts:

I'm not slacking,
my code's compiling

and

There are 10 kinds of people in this world:
Those that know binary, and those that don't

And if you thought those were funny you are as much of a geek as I am!! :)

that wasn't me, it was someone else

I've been feeling bitter and anxious about eminent divorce the last couple days, having really angry thoughts. Today I realize that most of that was due to a two hour conversation I had with a mom going through divorce and custody battle. When I made that connection, I was able to let it go and be present to what is actually so in my situation.

Its amazing to me how much other people's stuff affects me.

Today, after a conversation with D, I felt sad and guilty and weird. Now I know that that wasn't me; I am pretty sure I was processing some of his energy.

Get grounded, separate, regain my amusement and positive outlook. I am doing the best I can, and it will all work out in the end.

Wow, whatever has been haunting me the last few days is gone for now! :)

no mistakes, no misbehaving

Another nice track by Imogen Heap on her album "Speak for Yourself".

The Walk
by Imogen Heap

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze or make it forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

movie review: Sex and the City

Tonight I saw Sex and the City (the movie). Although there were some annoying moments, overall, it was cute and sweet. They did a great job with the beginning sequence to summarize what has happened in the series.

WARNING: spoilers

Recently I've been getting more comments about my resemblance to the woman who plays Miranda. I started getting that when I was pregnant with Skyler, so its nothing new. In the movie, Miranda has married Steve (the father of her child). All seems to be going well, except they haven't had sex for a bout 6 months. Steve admits one night that he slept with another woman. Miranda moves out, they have shared custody of their son. Eventually they end up in this therapy program in which they have a series of sessions, then decide that they will take a break for two weeks, and if, after that time, they want to move forward, they will meet on the Brooklyn bridge. If they meet there, they agree to let the past in the past and to move forward together, despite their past hurts. Of course, they end up both there on the bridge together.

There is a moment when they are separated, and Miranda is relating this funny thing about Steve to the girls and they are looking at her like she is a complete idiot for not staying with him. I've definitely had moments like that. Once I was telling my best friend some story about D, and afterwards she paused and said "You know, now I know why people kept asking me if [her longtime sweetheart] and I were going to get back together after we broke up". I know. You hear someone tell the story and its like "so... why couldn't you guys work it out?"

Because stories don't tell the whole story... as it were.

I think I deliberately stayed emotionally distant from that character. I think she is like me in some ways. There was a scene when she is trying to decide whether to go to the bridge. She is looking at a yellow legal pad of pros and cons about Steve. I know I definitely drew up lists myself, trying to sort it all out. In the end, Miranda and I both followed our gut... with very different results.

Ahhhhh its just a movie.

the lessons i have to learn

Two realizations for me today, centering on two very important lessons I am learning:

1. Stillness
It feels like my life is in slow motion. My SIL had a great analogy: "its like you've been on DSL and now you are on dial-up". I keep feeling like its been forever since I worked on music, or dated anyone. Those two areas of my life are laying fallow right now. I told her that the last year has felt like I keep waiting for my life to happen. What I have to realize is THIS is my life. THIS is my home. THIS is my present. THIS is the love in my life. THIS is what I am doing right now. THIS is who I am.

When you have endured trauma, as I have, there is a tendency to speed through all the pain. To rush through the emptiness and the hollowness. I can't tell you how many times I cried in the last year "When is this going to end?"

I used to get flirtatious text messages from lovers. I used to get phone calls from friends and admirers. I used to get emails asking about my feelings. Things are definitely not as exciting. They are more still. There is more silence. Perhaps that is a good thing.

I bought myself a card about six months ago. Its up in my cubicle at work, right on the corner behind my monitors. It says "Be happy, for in this moment, THIS MOMENT, is your life".

This is my life.

And if that wasn't enough, lesson number two:

2. Impermanence
Sure, this one was easy for me to get. On the surface its common sense: nothing lasts forever, everything is evolving and changing. But today I found a new twist. I was thinking about C. and her new baby-to-be, and how I have these really deep pangs of wanting another child. But when I look at the logistics, I have just as much resistance to having one (fear of what it will do to my future relationship being the biggest one). I tried looking at why now, why do I want another child now? And its because I look at Skyler and he is growing. This is the last week of kindergarten. Its gone. I may never have a kindergartener again. I may never hold a newborn in my arms again. Its all slipping away from me.

Some people feel this and decide to have another child. I don't have that luxury (modern fertility technology notwithstanding). Instead I choose to sit here with this small feeling of loss and consternation. Skyler is growing and changing.

Well that's enough lessons for now.

Liquid State on Awful Snacks and Chillcast podcasts

When I first saw the name of the blog, I had a moment of concern that we would be panned. But nothing of the sort happened. Take a listen:

Site: http://www.thamike.com/awfulshow/awfulsnacks.php
Show 55b: http://recordings.talkshoe.com/TC-26831/TS-118271.mp3

Hey! The guy running the show mentioned that I started with Love Spirals Downwards. Yeah!! :)

Then we also got on the Chillcast. Anji Bee has great taste in music and featured Lost on a previous Chillcast. I'm looking forward to listening to this one... when I'm not trying to rush to get out the door!

http://www.anjibee.com/2008/06/01/chillcast-114-melou-cd-contest/

I also just recently sent out an announcement that our album is on iTunes:
http://www.liquidstatemusic.com/email/LS_announce.html

i [heart] steve jobs

I relented and got an iPhone. The crackberry was way cheaper, but iPhone interface was way way cooler. I sat and played with it at the ATT store in SF (in the mall!! I can't stand the mall, it makes me physically ill) for about a half hour before i decided to take it.

Then discover they do not actually have any there. He refers me to the Apple store a block away. When I get there, not only do they tell me there are none left at the store, they are actually sold out nation-wide! I can't even order it on the website (which the girl helpfully pulls up "see? currently out of stock!")

I make a mental note to go to Emeryville to try that Apple store, take BART home, miss my stop because I'm on the Richmond train and I forget that I parked at MacArthur instead of Rockridge. I finally make it to the E'ville Apple store and they too are out. Conveniently, there is an ATT store down the block. They too are out!

I feel I'm starting to worry. My phone was broken - I could call out and people could hear me, but I couldn't hear a thing. Which renders the phone completely useless (except that I can text). The salesperson says I can call other stores if I like while he waits on other customers. I try and fail to get a live person at the Oakland store, then randomly call the El Cerrito store. They have iPhones and they close in 30 minutes.

Bad directions and a false stop later, I arrive at the store 5 minutes before they close. Now I have a shiny new gadget to figure out!


Anyone trying to get an iPhone, GO TO THE EL CERRITO STORE and talk to Frank. They have PLENTY of iPhones!

On a totally unrelated note, tonight I get my haircut. FINALLY. So tired of it being so long! I'm gonna have the stylist take before and after pictures with the iPhone.

clearing and cleaning

Had a fabulous Family Day at Spirit Rock with Skyler. Such a good thing for my soul! Even with getting frustrated that Skyler was running around :)

Just cleaned out 3361 emails from my inbox. GOD THAT FEELS GOOD.

Saw Prince Caspian tonight with Becca. So many cute boys. Every time they showed the Caspian's profile, I almost wept - What a beautiful man!

Yes, to answer your question, it has been a while for me.

I am waiting in stillness, being with my life exactly the way it is.