Dream vs Reality

I dreamed last night that a man I knew said "I love you" to me, in this terribly sweet and hushed way. The alarm went off at 6am and I promptly forgot all about it. I was toweling off in the locker room later that morning and it came back to me in a flash. I stood there for several minutes, trying to remember who it was in my dream. It never came back to me, so I guess it was someone I knew only in the dreamtime. You know, when you feel like you recognize someone, but when you wake you know you don't. All I remember is the impact of the words, the way my heart felt hot and dark at the same time.

Earlier this week I found myself on the other side of rejection. I like to think I let him down compassionately. He was a sweet man (and an amazing kisser), but it would have never worked out. I just wasn't feeling it like he was. Ahhhhhh so THAT'S what that feels like!

Through it all, I still remain a hopeFUL romantic, if more cautiously optimistic these days. Mostly, I'm enjoying being on my own. I've got plenty to occupy me what with work, and Skyler, and cello, music, and the gym. As my dad would say: "that'll keep you off the streets".

nightmare

i'm walking along the side of the freeway. and part of me realizes that this is a very odd thing. i mean, how did i get here? i would never do this. cars are going past me, very very close. one car is almost hits me; its is full of these angry men, thugs. they stop the car, come after me with baseball bats. they are going to hurt me.

i run, down the freeway off-ramp (it was so close, why didn't i get off before?) I am barely ahead of them, but then i turn a corner, go into this little cul de sac. i'm sobbing "they are going to kill me!" and this nice older man and his wife take me inside their house. all of a sudden i am transformed. they will not recognize you now, he assures me. but i think to myself "i havent changed enough".

there is something about this place that makes me never want to leave. my car magically pulls into the driveway of a house near the nice couple's. next to the car port there is another open area with a roof. on top of the roof is a tent, which i see through a hole in the roof. it is raining and rain is pouring through the hole. but the tent is just open, i think. i could close it, and it would be pretty cozy up there.

the walls of the room downstairs become insulated. its the house working its magic. or maybe its just me, making this into my very own sanctuary. i have a much younger sister, suddenly, and she wants to stay. "ive never had a real mom and dad!" the nice older couple hug us as if we are their long lost daughters. we decide to go for a picnic. nothing could go wrong.

we step outside the house, and i look next door. there are the men. they live here, and one of them, who is mute, has recognized me. he grunts wildly, getting the attention of his gang members. i run to my new family, hoping against all odds that the rest of them dont see me.

but they do, and i hear them running behind me. this time they WILL kill me. i am running over grassy knolls, sobbing "they found me!" my new found father figure stops, turns, prepares to meet them head on. I know in an instant what he means to do. He will assume my likeness, and they willl beat him to death. "NO!" i try to yell, but it comes out a whisper. they are getting closer, i cannot do anything.

and then i wake up

dream: don't run from the snake

Another dream, last week:

I was driving with my son through this ruin, stone carvings, moss covered, the jungle growing up and through them. I saw a statue of a fertility god, with a round belly and laughing face. I parked the car and ran up to touch it. Then I noticed the ENORMOUS snake in the pool surrounding the figure. I started to run away, and the snake rose up out of the pool. Its head was above mine, it was at least three feet in diameter. I stopped, and thought to myself "If I run, it will surely kill me. If I stay still, I have a chance"

I felt a big thump on the top of my head, and knew that the snake had bitten me, and I was going to die.

dream: the world is on fire

Last night's dream:

I went to the parking lot to get my car, and D had it painted purple. I argued with the attendant, asking him how he could have let this happen as it is MY car.

I pulled out of the lot, looked out and saw block after block of office buildings and skyscrapers (i was downtown). and I saw all these buildings on fire. I looked closer, and saw the flames engulf a block of buildings. it was coming my way.

I backed up to pull out the other way, to try to outrun the flames. I looked across and saw the fire race past me. then the flames engulfed me, and i thought "so this is how it feels to die". I did not feel any pain.

This morning I made an appointment for D and I to meet with a paralegal to start our divorce.

I had a dream about you last night

We were giggling together, like children.
I turned away to catch my breath.
You came up behind me (I could feel you smiling)
and whispered in my ear a question
to which I replied a single word:

"music"

We both became hushed.

A movie within a dream

i had a dream about a man I had a relationship with, who chose not to continue that relationship. I'll refer to him as the Man or M.

In the dream, M and I were walking down a road, we came to a fork. i was going to move across country, i think. and so we parted ways. then i remembered that he had given me a movie that he had had made. i decided to watch it, and my family was there watching it with me. it was an animated movie, very beautifully drawn, well edited (i remember thinking that he had done a really good job of editing it).

The movie was a thinly disguised retelling of our relationship, only he was a dark haired girl. I remember feeling suspicious, but as soon as i saw the red haired man, I knew it was us. i blushed and hoped no one in my family knew. in the movie i watched, the girl told the man how she had regretted not being with him, how she still loved him and wanted to be with him. I wrote down some questions i wanted to ask M about the dream.

then later on, I saw M. I felt very guarded, wary of opening up this conversation again. I told him I saw the movie and his whole face lit up as if to say "oh! you finally got it!" He had given it to me a while ago and i never said anything. and then he said "and...?" waiting for me to make the first move again. i was irritated and said "so what was up with the main characters?" and asked a question pretty much like "what are you trying to tell me?" i felt i deserved an answer, once and for all.

and the dream ended with that. me not knowing, looking into his brown eyes and smiling face, revealing nothing.

a very nice dream

I had an erotic dream last night. I was wearing my black leather corset, standing in front of a woman I used to date, not so long ago. She was smiling at me in a way that said "come play with me!" She looked so pretty and inviting, I had to have her. I unzipped my corset down the front, said something about being dirty. So she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the shower...

I woke up with a languid smile, just before the alarm went off. The radio was playing "Erotic City" but Prince. NICE!