Dream vs Reality

I dreamed last night that a man I knew said "I love you" to me, in this terribly sweet and hushed way. The alarm went off at 6am and I promptly forgot all about it. I was toweling off in the locker room later that morning and it came back to me in a flash. I stood there for several minutes, trying to remember who it was in my dream. It never came back to me, so I guess it was someone I knew only in the dreamtime. You know, when you feel like you recognize someone, but when you wake you know you don't. All I remember is the impact of the words, the way my heart felt hot and dark at the same time.

Earlier this week I found myself on the other side of rejection. I like to think I let him down compassionately. He was a sweet man (and an amazing kisser), but it would have never worked out. I just wasn't feeling it like he was. Ahhhhhh so THAT'S what that feels like!

Through it all, I still remain a hopeFUL romantic, if more cautiously optimistic these days. Mostly, I'm enjoying being on my own. I've got plenty to occupy me what with work, and Skyler, and cello, music, and the gym. As my dad would say: "that'll keep you off the streets".

darkness abated. resume life.

Had a great healing conversation with Liliana. She is truly amazing. There was this darkness that was trying to convince me to leave the planet. A gray blanket of grief, and a fatigue so intense I wanted to sleep the rest of my life away. She was able to lift a corner, allow me to see the light again. And today I feel much much better, thank you very much.

WHEW. That was scary. Glad its over.

The End, in Eleven Songs

I have a final mix for D's mix CD in response to the one he sent me months ago. Meaty stuff in here. I wonder if he will listen to it all, and what he will think if he does. I will ask him to listen once, and after that he can throw it out.

Between by Vienna Teng ("and the third one between replaces what once was love ")
Washing of the Water by Peter Gabriel ("Letting go, it's so hard/The way it's hurting now/To get this love untied")
Farewell by Rosie Thomas ("I miss the way you danced with me")
It Ought to Be Easier by Lyle Lovett ("And it ought to be easier/To leave when you know that you have to go")
Soap and Water by Suzanne Vega ("scrub the salt from my stinging skin/slip me loose of this wedding band")
Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon ("But it's not so bad/You're just the best I ever had ")
Widow's Walk by Suzanne Vega ("Consider me a widow boys...It's not the man, but it's the marriage that was drowned")
Wedding Day by Rosie Thomas (lyrics and mp3 here)
Beautiful Dawn by The Wailin Jennys ("Show me how to love in the darkest dark")
Mark's Song by eastmountainsouth ("may you find your way in peace")

I like to think that this represents the whole experience for me of this. The cux, the letting go, the loss, the love, the bitterness, the necessary cruelty, the separation, the sadness, the healing, the hope for the future.

I hope he sees it the same way. I hope I can touch him the way he has touched me.

Awash in Feelings

Anger, anger, everywhere... but also sadness, regret, foolishness, guilt, and above all, more anger.

I'm tired of being the sole cause. I will not be the only one to take responsibility. FUCK THAT.

I rant, I withdraw, I bury, I surface, I laugh, I cry, I rage again. This is my life. Welcome to the theater of the emotion. Please take your seat, and be aware that there is not a dry seat in the house. There will be nowhere you can sit quietly outside the storm, untouched and unaffected. I WILL make you feel, I WILL make you angry, and I WILL make you sad.

My life imitates my art so closely these days. I should write some happy fucking songs to pull myself out.

Sometimes you just need to get laid. At least that's what I've been told. Huh. If only some simple physical encounter could solve all my problems! Well, its a nice fantasy, any way. And I'm sure it would be a nice escape. But alas, I'll just have to deal with all that's happening on my own.

Yeah.

Clarity comes and goes. Everytime I have it, I get surer. Every time I lose it, I get frustrated: "Haven't I already had that conversation?? Didn't go through all thiis before?" I think I will know more after Thursday morning. Anticipation, anxiety, hope, resignation... man. My life is like my music these days, and there are times, like now, where I feel like I'm just living for the next moment of levity.

Vague? Yes. But that's the way it has to be...