Dream vs Reality

I dreamed last night that a man I knew said "I love you" to me, in this terribly sweet and hushed way. The alarm went off at 6am and I promptly forgot all about it. I was toweling off in the locker room later that morning and it came back to me in a flash. I stood there for several minutes, trying to remember who it was in my dream. It never came back to me, so I guess it was someone I knew only in the dreamtime. You know, when you feel like you recognize someone, but when you wake you know you don't. All I remember is the impact of the words, the way my heart felt hot and dark at the same time.

Earlier this week I found myself on the other side of rejection. I like to think I let him down compassionately. He was a sweet man (and an amazing kisser), but it would have never worked out. I just wasn't feeling it like he was. Ahhhhhh so THAT'S what that feels like!

Through it all, I still remain a hopeFUL romantic, if more cautiously optimistic these days. Mostly, I'm enjoying being on my own. I've got plenty to occupy me what with work, and Skyler, and cello, music, and the gym. As my dad would say: "that'll keep you off the streets".

my new year's resolutions

1. be good
2. work out
3. avoid making the same mistakes
4. lighten up :)
5. create more music
6. enjoy being 38 (ooo my birthday is coming up!)

that wasn't me, it was someone else

I've been feeling bitter and anxious about eminent divorce the last couple days, having really angry thoughts. Today I realize that most of that was due to a two hour conversation I had with a mom going through divorce and custody battle. When I made that connection, I was able to let it go and be present to what is actually so in my situation.

Its amazing to me how much other people's stuff affects me.

Today, after a conversation with D, I felt sad and guilty and weird. Now I know that that wasn't me; I am pretty sure I was processing some of his energy.

Get grounded, separate, regain my amusement and positive outlook. I am doing the best I can, and it will all work out in the end.

Wow, whatever has been haunting me the last few days is gone for now! :)

the lessons i have to learn

Two realizations for me today, centering on two very important lessons I am learning:

1. Stillness
It feels like my life is in slow motion. My SIL had a great analogy: "its like you've been on DSL and now you are on dial-up". I keep feeling like its been forever since I worked on music, or dated anyone. Those two areas of my life are laying fallow right now. I told her that the last year has felt like I keep waiting for my life to happen. What I have to realize is THIS is my life. THIS is my home. THIS is my present. THIS is the love in my life. THIS is what I am doing right now. THIS is who I am.

When you have endured trauma, as I have, there is a tendency to speed through all the pain. To rush through the emptiness and the hollowness. I can't tell you how many times I cried in the last year "When is this going to end?"

I used to get flirtatious text messages from lovers. I used to get phone calls from friends and admirers. I used to get emails asking about my feelings. Things are definitely not as exciting. They are more still. There is more silence. Perhaps that is a good thing.

I bought myself a card about six months ago. Its up in my cubicle at work, right on the corner behind my monitors. It says "Be happy, for in this moment, THIS MOMENT, is your life".

This is my life.

And if that wasn't enough, lesson number two:

2. Impermanence
Sure, this one was easy for me to get. On the surface its common sense: nothing lasts forever, everything is evolving and changing. But today I found a new twist. I was thinking about C. and her new baby-to-be, and how I have these really deep pangs of wanting another child. But when I look at the logistics, I have just as much resistance to having one (fear of what it will do to my future relationship being the biggest one). I tried looking at why now, why do I want another child now? And its because I look at Skyler and he is growing. This is the last week of kindergarten. Its gone. I may never have a kindergartener again. I may never hold a newborn in my arms again. Its all slipping away from me.

Some people feel this and decide to have another child. I don't have that luxury (modern fertility technology notwithstanding). Instead I choose to sit here with this small feeling of loss and consternation. Skyler is growing and changing.

Well that's enough lessons for now.