movie: conversations with other women

Feeling a bit melancholy, I searched my Netfliz watch instantly queue for something appropriate. This movie was scarily more appropriate than I could have planned. Its about two people who are reunited at a wedding. The whole night is a conversation on what was, what is, and what could be. My heart ached for him, for his longing and his romanticism. But the cynical part of me sided with her pragmatism. She says "there are no happy endings in our story" and part of me agrees.

I won't give away the ending...
Conversations With Other Women on IMDB



I had a dream about D last night. That we were getting reacquainted, as friends. I started questioning whether we should get back together, and then he died. He died and left a huge hole in my heart. I wept in my dream, and when I awoke, I was surprised my cheeks were dry.

tired. and a little down.

surprises me that even after almost two years of separation, I still get sad about this. the whole divorce thing. i guess that's a good sign, right? if he were being an asshole, it would make it easier in one respect... but not really.

i should be working, but i think i might just call it an early night.

you can tell its been a while if...

I just got the DVD for the my son's school variety show (I may need to post our act later on YouTube). One of the hosts of the show is Mr K, one of the teachers. In the middle of watching the DVD with my son, I asked him "hey, is Mr K married?" (thinking, hmmm he's cute!) My son looked at me with confusion (and I'm sure if he had been a teenager it would have been mixed with disgust) and said, "I don't know!!"

ha!

what's in a (last) name?

Had a brief but lovely visit from my friend Katalin. She had never heard the story of how I came by the name Wilde. I'll recount it here for the record.

D. and I had wanted to have the same last name when we got married. I didn't want his, and didn't want him to take mine, necessarily. My first idea was to make a new last name out of our last names: Ward and Fuller. The best I came up with was Fulward (too stuffy!) and Wafful (too too silly). We rented a movie about Oscar Wilde, and when I woke up in the morning, I turned to him and said "Wilde!" he replied "Wilde... hmmm" and that was that.

She told me she knew a couple that changed their last names to Pajama. I just about fell out laughing, it was so cute. Then she asked if I would changing my name after the divorce, and I said no. Two reasons:

1. My son's last name is Wilde
2. When I changed my name to Wilde, there was none of this "oh yeah, my last name isn't Fuller anymore" it fit me so well, it seemed natural. It still suits me, so I'm keeping it. Besides, it was MY idea anyway ;)

I said that if I (somehow!) got married again, I would probably hyphenate my last name, but would have to use XXX-Wilde instead of Wilde-XXX, because Wilde-anything would sound funny. She said "yeah, like Pajama". And I said "well, hell, I would make an exception for Wilde-Pajama"

ha! :)

Random notes from the front lines of dating

I have a profile on nerve personals. I haven't paid it too much attention, because I'm trying to focus on getting through the divorce process. I never know when the universe will nudge someone my way, so I keep it up there for when I'm ready again.

A little while ago, I received a message from a man, which begins:

"You are very different from me, but I utterly love you. Not in that puppy-dog crush sense, but because you are totally cute and very hip....There also seems to be a liminal tinge of sorrow in your life. So brilliant, and yet, even the most intelligent of us can stumble...I sense a far deeper, more complex story is there than can fit into an online profile."

Okay WHOAH. My first reaction is "too much too soon!!", my second was one of "that's spooky". He definitely has a very eloquent way about him, and had some eerie insights. I went to his profile page, and its just not what I am looking for. Sir, do you perhaps have a slightly younger, musical brother? Ahhh I need to write him back to thank him.

"a liminal tinge of sorrow"... I might have to use that in a song ;)

oh and I aaaaalllmost was swayed by this line in his profile:

A naked woman is sexy. A woman's orgasm is sexier.

Ummm yeah. Its been waaaaaaay too long for me in the intimacy department.

music: tear in your hand

This song still moves me when I hear it. So many break ups have taken me to this place. Once again, the whole world is dangling...

Tear in Your Hand
by Tori Amos

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together any more
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king

Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause
Me and charles manson like the same ice cream
I think its that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up
Every time I touch you

Maybe its time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
And your baby baby baby babies
I tell you there's pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

RIP: Lana Scatena

My dear friend Gina's mother Lana passed away last night, from lung cancer. Her family was around her when she drew her last breath.

Today Russ (Gina's husband) asked me if I would sing at her funeral. I am very honored to do so. He asked me to sing Wishing You were Somehow Here Again (from the Phantom of the Opera) and as soon as I heard it, I understood.

Of course, when Sarah Brightman sings it, she sings in high soprano. But I found a site that has digital sheet music you can transpose online and buy. I've already gone through the song a few times and its singable. I'm nervous, but its the least I can do for my very dear friends and their family.

Wishing You were Somehow Here Again
by Andrew Lloyd Weber

You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .

Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .

Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .

Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .

No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say
goodbye.

movie: one for the mummy! no? oh mama mia

After the day I had yesterday, I decided to take myself to see the Mummy. Action-adventure fluff seemed like just the ticket. Only... when I got there, the schedule was wrong: Mama Mia started at 7pm. Not wanting to wait until 945 for the Mummy, I bought my ticket. I had been mildly interested in the film, as my sister and I would sing along with ABBA videos when we were kids (we had them on LASERDISC! ha!) Here is the movie trailer:



SPOILER ALERT:

As I remarked to the concession attendant, part way through the film "there is a lot of singing in this movie". This reaffirmed the fact, for me, that musicals are very tricky things to get right. One of my favorite movies of all time, the Moulin Rouge, is one of the few musicals I actually like.

The girl behind the counter came back with "yeah there is a lot of Pierce Brosnan singing". I was confused, because I hadn't seen him sing yet. And then... whoo boy. I really like Pierce, and love that he has taken a risk, but it was too much for me to see him sing. The audience laughed, which, because this is a comedy, isn't a complete insult. But still, he is the leading man.

Okay and here I have to admit that the romantic in me got caught up in how he asked her to marry him (and she said yes!!) - that was sweet. But the best part is at the end, during the first part of the credits: the three women perform a song, in full disco drag, and then the three MEN come out in the most over the top costumes EVER and sing as well. Had me rolling in the aisles.

I made the mistake of sitting next to a very enthusiastic fan, who had already seen the movie once. Lots of clapping and laughing at all parts of the film. But she was on the side that I can't hear much, so it wasn't too bad.

Then I came home and had a breakdown around my studio. Still feeling bummed out about that.

a difficult morning

Excruciating conversation this morning with Sky's dad. Obviously there is still a lot of unresolved anger on both sides. I spent the last four hours crying, raging. Talked with friends who have been through it, and got some good perspective, but just SAD and ANGRY.

Managed to compose a neutral email to D to clarify, acknowledge the anger on both sides, and suggest possibly returning to therapy. He replied within the hour (amazing!) with his own email saying basically the same thing.

This is all so hard.

a beautiful day in Santa Cruz

My bf and I took our kids to the Boardwalk on Sunday. It was a gorgeous day! My favorite part was spending time at the beach. The water was nice and cool on a hot day. It felt deliciously slippery around my legs.

Sky got completely soaked! At one point, he went under a wave. I raced in to haul him up, soaking my iPhone in the process. He sputtered and announced "mom, that was SO COOL!!!" So much for me saving his life! ;)

Today I went in to the Apple store and bought a new iPhone. DOH!!!

movies: tropic thunder

Saw Tropic Thunder today while my dear son played with his cousin. I have to say, I'm not a big Ben Stiller comedy fan. In fact, the first 15 minutes or so I was wondering if I should walk out. But I stuck through, and actually enjoyed the film (although there will still plenty of wincing moments).

The best part (for me) was Tom Cruise playing a balding, fat, hairy, meglomaniac Hollywood bigwig. Man, I could NOT stop laughing, he was awesome!! He is the whole reason I am glad I saw Tropic Thunder.

Weird site note: the guy who plays the sycophantic assistant to Tom Cruise's character looks SCARILY like my ex-boyfriend, who's life imploded before he left the Bay Area. Check it out:





Maybe its just an Irish thing. I don't know. Anyway, I couldn't stop staring at him everytime he was on screen. It was odd. Still trying to shake it.

video: mother/son camping - nighttime fun

Again, I [heart] iMovie. It makes this video thing sooooo easy:



hope that worked... YouTube told me it was still processing the video, but damnit, I'm impatient!

;)

video: mother/son camping

I [heart] my mac and iMovie. Today I jumped into video editing and made a little movie of our camping trip this past week:



ok, now i need to figure out how to make the video look better.. if that is possible...

i have sound!

I posted earlier about my woes in setting up my receiver. Thanks to a mark, I now have it all set up correctly! What was the problem, you ask? Why, I was sticking the wires in the wrong hole.

charlotte sometimes: a reunion

Its my 20th year high school reunion; I graduated a year early at age 17. The fact that I am going, and looking forward to going (with my dear dear friend Russ, yay!!) is a minor miracle.

There was much darkness in my early school years. Lots of therapy in the past few years has shed light on what happened, and healed that place in me. I even wrote a song about the process, called Unraveling (check out Unraveling on my music site).

This reminisce started tonight, when "Charlotte Sometimes" came up on iTunes. I loved that song in high school. All the Cure songs resonated with that deeply wounded part of myself.

It also made me remember my 10 year reunion, how scared I was to go. I listened to Tori Amos songs on the way up, raw and jagged in my emotionally fragile state. I started drinking early and too much. Poor D had to take care of me. The funny thing is that I was so busy trying not to fall into a timewarp to my younger self, that I couldn't see people for who they were in the present time.

I listen to the song now and it tells the story of a sad girl who wanted for so long to wake up in a different

Charlotte Sometimes
the Cure
(listen to mp3)

all the faces
all the voices blur
change to one face
change to one voice
prepare yourself for bed
the light seems bright
and glares on white walls
all the sounds of
charlotte sometimes
into the night with
charlotte sometimes

night after night she lay alone in bed
her eyes so open to the dark
the streets all looked so strange
they seemed so far away
but charlotte did not cry

the people seemed so close
playing expressionless games
the people seemed
so close
so many
other names...

sometimes i'm dreaming
where all the other people dance
sometimes i'm dreaming
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i'm dreaming
expressionless the trance
sometimes i'm dreaming
so many different names
sometimes i'm dreaming
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
she hopes to open shadowed eyes
on a different world
come to me
scared princess
charlotte sometimes

on that bleak track
(see the sun is gone again)
the tears were pouring down her face
she was crying and crying for a girl
who died so many years before...

sometimes i dream
where all the other people dance
sometimes i dream
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i dream
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
there are so many different names
sometimes i dream
sometimes i dream...

charlotte sometimes crying for herself
charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself
but it's always with love
with so much love it looks like
everything else
of charlotte sometimes
so far away
glass sealed and pretty
charlotte sometimes

Feeling good

This morning I got an email from my sister in law saying she and my brother had decided to move back to the States. I can't tell you how happy that makes me, which is kinda strange, since we hardly ever spent time together while they were here. Before they left, they came to Oakland, and I took them to the Parkway Speakeasy Theater (food, beer/wine, couches and movies??? what's not to love?!?!) and had a great time hanging out with them.

I emailed her to tell her I was glad, and I knew it must have been a hard decision. She emailed back to say that they realized they want to put more time and effort into the relationships they miss here, and that I was at the top of the list.

Can't tell you how good that made me feel!

sometimes i feel like such a girl...

...and not in a good way.

A few months back (ok, like 6 months ago), I stopped being able to play music on my computer. I had it hooked up to a receiver, which was connected to a pair of speakers I got from an ex boyfriend who left the Bay Area (long story. sigh). I believed the problem was with the receiver, since it was old and janky (kinda warped on the top, tended to overheat). So I FINALLY got a new receiver (which I kept mistakenly calling an "amp" which made all the guys at Best Buy confused), and now I cannot hook up my damn speakers to save my LIFE.

Here is what it looks like from the back (someone else's photo, god knows I would never take this thing apart):
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t161/SethKL/Picture016.jpg

(posted here: http://forums.audioholics.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-38918.html)

I put the speaker wire in the appropriate holes. I tightened the screws all the way, and the wires just fell out.

Am I using wire that is too thin? I don't even know where to begin searching. I tried googling "insignia NS-R2000 stereo receiver speaker wire problem connecting" and my problem isn't even in the results. Which makes me feel SO LAME, like no one ever had trouble doing this and what the HELL is my problem???

I'm getting a glass of wine. Perhaps I'll calm down enough to rethink this.

But meanwhile, this falls under the category of "I cannot figure this shit out", joining things like "installing a shelf", "setting up my recording studio". I hate to think I need some man to come in and help me, but ARRRRGGGHHH!!! If that is the way it has to be!!!

dream: the world is on fire

Last night's dream:

I went to the parking lot to get my car, and D had it painted purple. I argued with the attendant, asking him how he could have let this happen as it is MY car.

I pulled out of the lot, looked out and saw block after block of office buildings and skyscrapers (i was downtown). and I saw all these buildings on fire. I looked closer, and saw the flames engulf a block of buildings. it was coming my way.

I backed up to pull out the other way, to try to outrun the flames. I looked across and saw the fire race past me. then the flames engulfed me, and i thought "so this is how it feels to die". I did not feel any pain.

This morning I made an appointment for D and I to meet with a paralegal to start our divorce.

I miss making music

I had some words float into my head today, took note on my iPhone. I've stalled out getting my studio together. Sigh.

Closing in

I debated whether or not to go to the cocktail networking function after the conference today. I'm glad I did. Met a whole bunch of Canadians (and a midwesterner) and took them to the Globe. I think they were suitable impressed :) I have had a lot of good memories at that restaurant. D used to take me there when I got back from traveling to the midwest to remind me of why I live in San Francisco. They have excellent food, and they server dinner late (open until 1am on weekdays). They are known among restaurant folk as a good after-work place.

Back in my house in the hills. I stood on the deck and smoked a clove cigarette, the spice lingering on my tongue, a smile on my lips. The mist closing in on my house, making things seems cosy in the dark. A nice night.

Closing In
by Imogen Heap
mp3

I can't wait
To be with you
No I just can't sit still,
Are we there yet?
Takes me back,
I remember
Such a magical place
It was all you...

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way

Frame by frame,
Red speed ahead
A city dissolving,
The threat of your love in the headlights
Is it safe now?
Will your arms be open?
I just have to kiss you,
Try and stop me

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in
It’s all that I want in the whole world
Closing in
Please be there, please be there

What are you like?
Where did you get to?
No word no nothing
You didn't hold me, for any longer
Did you walk for the fear of love?
Or don't you believe enough?
Well I'll cover both of us
You can leave that to me!

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in...closing in...

god I love him

This morning Sky has a hard time picking what he wants for breakfast. To get over his frustration in the moment, he goes to iTunes to pick out music. "The amp isn't on" I say as I walk away. I start making banana bread and music comes on. "This sounds like Prince"

more house cleaning

Deleted over 3000 emails from my Sent folder, some going back to 2002. Deleted entire groups of client emails. Trashed emails from old lovers without even looking at them (ok, I did look at SOME :)

Clearing the space feels so GOOD. Now its time to go to bed. But FIRST: a little Law & Order....

Yelp!

I am addicted to Yelp. Help! :) eeeeegads

I've posted exactly four reviews, and I'm itching to do more. Why do I have to work? Oh right, the money! ;)

http://jenniferwilde.yelp.com

funny developer Tshirts

The Moscone Center is on my walk between BART and the office. Right now the Apple WWDC is going on. Briefly flirted with the idea of trolling for a date there, dismissed after a brief chuckle.

But I did see a couple of funny T-shirts:

I'm not slacking,
my code's compiling

and

There are 10 kinds of people in this world:
Those that know binary, and those that don't

And if you thought those were funny you are as much of a geek as I am!! :)

that wasn't me, it was someone else

I've been feeling bitter and anxious about eminent divorce the last couple days, having really angry thoughts. Today I realize that most of that was due to a two hour conversation I had with a mom going through divorce and custody battle. When I made that connection, I was able to let it go and be present to what is actually so in my situation.

Its amazing to me how much other people's stuff affects me.

Today, after a conversation with D, I felt sad and guilty and weird. Now I know that that wasn't me; I am pretty sure I was processing some of his energy.

Get grounded, separate, regain my amusement and positive outlook. I am doing the best I can, and it will all work out in the end.

Wow, whatever has been haunting me the last few days is gone for now! :)

movie review: Sex and the City

Tonight I saw Sex and the City (the movie). Although there were some annoying moments, overall, it was cute and sweet. They did a great job with the beginning sequence to summarize what has happened in the series.

WARNING: spoilers

Recently I've been getting more comments about my resemblance to the woman who plays Miranda. I started getting that when I was pregnant with Skyler, so its nothing new. In the movie, Miranda has married Steve (the father of her child). All seems to be going well, except they haven't had sex for a bout 6 months. Steve admits one night that he slept with another woman. Miranda moves out, they have shared custody of their son. Eventually they end up in this therapy program in which they have a series of sessions, then decide that they will take a break for two weeks, and if, after that time, they want to move forward, they will meet on the Brooklyn bridge. If they meet there, they agree to let the past in the past and to move forward together, despite their past hurts. Of course, they end up both there on the bridge together.

There is a moment when they are separated, and Miranda is relating this funny thing about Steve to the girls and they are looking at her like she is a complete idiot for not staying with him. I've definitely had moments like that. Once I was telling my best friend some story about D, and afterwards she paused and said "You know, now I know why people kept asking me if [her longtime sweetheart] and I were going to get back together after we broke up". I know. You hear someone tell the story and its like "so... why couldn't you guys work it out?"

Because stories don't tell the whole story... as it were.

I think I deliberately stayed emotionally distant from that character. I think she is like me in some ways. There was a scene when she is trying to decide whether to go to the bridge. She is looking at a yellow legal pad of pros and cons about Steve. I know I definitely drew up lists myself, trying to sort it all out. In the end, Miranda and I both followed our gut... with very different results.

Ahhhhh its just a movie.

the lessons i have to learn

Two realizations for me today, centering on two very important lessons I am learning:

1. Stillness
It feels like my life is in slow motion. My SIL had a great analogy: "its like you've been on DSL and now you are on dial-up". I keep feeling like its been forever since I worked on music, or dated anyone. Those two areas of my life are laying fallow right now. I told her that the last year has felt like I keep waiting for my life to happen. What I have to realize is THIS is my life. THIS is my home. THIS is my present. THIS is the love in my life. THIS is what I am doing right now. THIS is who I am.

When you have endured trauma, as I have, there is a tendency to speed through all the pain. To rush through the emptiness and the hollowness. I can't tell you how many times I cried in the last year "When is this going to end?"

I used to get flirtatious text messages from lovers. I used to get phone calls from friends and admirers. I used to get emails asking about my feelings. Things are definitely not as exciting. They are more still. There is more silence. Perhaps that is a good thing.

I bought myself a card about six months ago. Its up in my cubicle at work, right on the corner behind my monitors. It says "Be happy, for in this moment, THIS MOMENT, is your life".

This is my life.

And if that wasn't enough, lesson number two:

2. Impermanence
Sure, this one was easy for me to get. On the surface its common sense: nothing lasts forever, everything is evolving and changing. But today I found a new twist. I was thinking about C. and her new baby-to-be, and how I have these really deep pangs of wanting another child. But when I look at the logistics, I have just as much resistance to having one (fear of what it will do to my future relationship being the biggest one). I tried looking at why now, why do I want another child now? And its because I look at Skyler and he is growing. This is the last week of kindergarten. Its gone. I may never have a kindergartener again. I may never hold a newborn in my arms again. Its all slipping away from me.

Some people feel this and decide to have another child. I don't have that luxury (modern fertility technology notwithstanding). Instead I choose to sit here with this small feeling of loss and consternation. Skyler is growing and changing.

Well that's enough lessons for now.

i [heart] steve jobs

I relented and got an iPhone. The crackberry was way cheaper, but iPhone interface was way way cooler. I sat and played with it at the ATT store in SF (in the mall!! I can't stand the mall, it makes me physically ill) for about a half hour before i decided to take it.

Then discover they do not actually have any there. He refers me to the Apple store a block away. When I get there, not only do they tell me there are none left at the store, they are actually sold out nation-wide! I can't even order it on the website (which the girl helpfully pulls up "see? currently out of stock!")

I make a mental note to go to Emeryville to try that Apple store, take BART home, miss my stop because I'm on the Richmond train and I forget that I parked at MacArthur instead of Rockridge. I finally make it to the E'ville Apple store and they too are out. Conveniently, there is an ATT store down the block. They too are out!

I feel I'm starting to worry. My phone was broken - I could call out and people could hear me, but I couldn't hear a thing. Which renders the phone completely useless (except that I can text). The salesperson says I can call other stores if I like while he waits on other customers. I try and fail to get a live person at the Oakland store, then randomly call the El Cerrito store. They have iPhones and they close in 30 minutes.

Bad directions and a false stop later, I arrive at the store 5 minutes before they close. Now I have a shiny new gadget to figure out!


Anyone trying to get an iPhone, GO TO THE EL CERRITO STORE and talk to Frank. They have PLENTY of iPhones!

On a totally unrelated note, tonight I get my haircut. FINALLY. So tired of it being so long! I'm gonna have the stylist take before and after pictures with the iPhone.

clearing and cleaning

Had a fabulous Family Day at Spirit Rock with Skyler. Such a good thing for my soul! Even with getting frustrated that Skyler was running around :)

Just cleaned out 3361 emails from my inbox. GOD THAT FEELS GOOD.

Saw Prince Caspian tonight with Becca. So many cute boys. Every time they showed the Caspian's profile, I almost wept - What a beautiful man!

Yes, to answer your question, it has been a while for me.

I am waiting in stillness, being with my life exactly the way it is.

Never Let me Down Again

I don't know why I'm feeling irritated. I got a disappointing shock in the mail (but not unexpected). Then I cleaned my house, which made me feel productive (and its always nicer to be in a clean house). I was practically giddy during my cello lesson, after that.

Then I tried and failed to make some spontaneous plans. This turned out to be a good thing, because I have a ton of work to do. But I'm slightly irritated by my day. And then I was irritated that I couldn't find some decent music to work to in iTunes. I only have 50 THOUSAND songs, how hard could it F---ing be?! And that interaction I just had with my ex and my son didn't help either.

But this song seemed to help, a little:

Depeche Mode
Never Let Me Down

I'm taking a ride
With my best friend
I hope he never let's me down again
He knows where he's taking me
Taking me where I want to be
I'm taking a ride
With my best friend

We're flying high
We're watching the world pass us by
Never want to come down
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/dQM ]
Never want to put my feet back down
On the ground

I'm taking a ride
With my best friend
I hope he never let's me down again
Promises me I'm as safe as houses
As long as I remember who's
wearing to trousers
I hope he never let's me down again

Never let me down

See the stars, they're shining bright
Everything's alright tonight

Ask for what you want!

Laughed my ass off reading this ad for musicians on craigslist. Hell, I didn't even know you could put this in an ad:

"personality wise, looking for someone who's really into making music but not some total freak that's a pain in the ass and insane. "

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/muc/674934363.html

darkness abated. resume life.

Had a great healing conversation with Liliana. She is truly amazing. There was this darkness that was trying to convince me to leave the planet. A gray blanket of grief, and a fatigue so intense I wanted to sleep the rest of my life away. She was able to lift a corner, allow me to see the light again. And today I feel much much better, thank you very much.

WHEW. That was scary. Glad its over.

road trips

I recently answered a personals ad, got a reply and sent this as part of my response:

"I have about a billion questions to ask, but I'll keep it to one (or two) for now and give you my answers:

1. What was your most memorable/best roadtrip?

Mine: i went on a road trip with a man i was seeing down to big sur. we drove along the coast, listening to mix CDs we had made for each other. we parked at a state park, hiked to a waterfall that spilled into the ocean. we stood there and made out just as the sun was setting in a beautiful orange blaze. as i write this i chuckle, because it seems so over the top. but it really happened!"

Life Carries On

Struggling today. Not sure why. But there is a moment in this song that helps:

I Grieve
by Peter Gabriel

t was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Theres nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Its just the way that you would tied in
Now theres no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I cant handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing whats gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone thats out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Its just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve

Yellow Submarine, part 1

There is the skeleton of a 7' long Submarine in my carport.

My son's school is having a variety show. I asked him if he wanted to be in it, and of course he said YES. He told me he wanted to sing Yellow Submarine and he wanted me to sing too. I got the idea from my neighbor to ask other kids in his class to see if anyone else wanted to join him. I am now organizing a troupe of kids for the show. Whew! :)

I posted to the Burning Moms list to see if anyone had a cardboard box. One couple said their neighbors just got a couch and had a large box to donate. We picked it up in my brother in law's pickup truck and took it home.

It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do with it. One of the parents in the group had the great idea to use dowels as handles so that kids inside could pick it up and walk around in it. My original idea was to just draw a submarine on it, but the box was pretty short. I would have to build it up, I decided.

After some research on the web about paper mache and frameworks, I hit on a forum for model train builders. There were recommendations for using crumpled newspaper and plaster cloth strips. It was supposed to be relatively fast and easy. So with a deep breath, I dove in:

the box:





starting to build up the top:



added the top periscopes and front "nose":



closeup of "nose" and porthole:



I realized that I needed to get the structure up off the ground so I got help from D. lifting it onto my recycling bin and greens can:



Nose is built out. I then realized I could not put the PVC pipe in the sides because the bins were in the way. So I very carefully had to lift it (one side at a time, as I was alone) onto two saw horses. You can also see the tail started:



Closeup of PVC pipe framework from outside. I decided to use cross-pieces to stabilize the box:



More build up on the sides. I started with long pieces of tape spanning the length of the box:



Then I would build vertically down the side, out from the middle:



On the other side I built vertically first, then taped horizontally:



Paper framework complete:



You can see the finished tail from here:



And on to plastering! I niavely thought that 8 rolls of plaster cloth "should do the trick". This is how far I got with those:



When I woke up Sunday morning, I realized I had made what could have been a grave mistake. I had envisioned the kids getting into the submarine, then lifting it up and walking along with it. However... there was no hole in front for them to see! So the first thing I did was very carefully cut a viewing hole from the inside. I had to cut through the original box AND the box that made up the nose. I was nervous that the sawing would dislodge the tape and newspaper, but managed to keep everything intact.

That day I drove to three different art supply stores and bought every roll of plaster cloth they had. Midway through plastering:



And this is where I stopped (for now):


A view to the inside of the submarine, from the front view hole:

taxes - the burden has almost lifted

I took yesterday off work to finish tax prep. I spent a good 10 hours on it, finally got almost all the way done. Just waiting for info from D. to finish up.

I owe a boat load, but hopefully the expenses will offset it a bunch.

bunch, boat load: technical terms. ahem.

I had two glasses of wine after I finished. I'm a little fuzzy this AM.

note to self:

do not jump rope without sufficient clothing ever again. ouch, that hurt.

2.57 miles

That's the distance between self assuredness and doubt. Between the time when I felt secure in my singlehood and when I felt a lurch in my mind.

Why did he have to have so many ties to my past? Is that what I have been feeling?

And what am I going to do now, steal him from someone else?

Damn it.

my garden

As promised, pictures:

see how my garden grows

I spent most of today digging through receipts (paper and digital) to prep for 2007 taxes. Definitely feeling like I am clearing out dead energy, like fallen leaves. Good, but tedious!

I took a break in the middle to go to Home Depot to get a new pump for the stone water fountain I bought from Gilman Salvage. I also bought a carved wooden bench there, it looks like a snake with legs. Very appropos for the Snake House ;)

Now I have a little garden all to myself, in what was once a hill of dirt. I even have a little secret alcove among the bamboo for a laughing buddha and some small plants that surround him. Today I cleaned, assembled and finished the fountain (it has tiers that look like flowers) and planted all the plants around it. It looks so lovely!

Tomorrow I'll try to take some pictures before work to add to this post.

refigerator poetry from another era

I'm going through old records today, doing taxes. The last time I will do taxes for the two of us.
I found a paper plate upon which I had scrawled poetry. I remember that I was cleaning the magnetic poetry set off the refrigerator in preparation for selling our house. It is interesting to look back at it now:

she will cry delicately but ask no less of you
as the sad dreams hit her

wind blows and she sings madly faster into the storm
let the cool rain lick her raw
here is her essential power

then there rose a vision of a still sky
of their luscious moments together
of languid days and sweet sunlight
the ugliness was behind you and me.

I miss kissing

I am well aware of the benefits of single life. But I have to say that the one thing I miss most right now is kissing. I long for the thrill of the first kiss, unbidden and so uncertain. The initial soft slow brushing of lips, becoming the urgent merging of mouths, insistent and strong, the playful licks, breathing in another's breath...

Just thinking about it makes me shiver.

All you need is love

My son and I had a last minute argument trying to get out the door for school. We can both be stubborn at times! So I put on the Beatles as a peace offering and asked him which song he wanted. He chose "When I'm Sixty Four" (one of his current favorites). Then as we came down the hill, I put on "All You Need Is Love". We were a little late for school, but sat in the car for the end of the song. As the notes faded, I said "I love you" and he nodded sagely and said "Love is all you need."

All you want

Interesting how things change... you have different experiences and the strings a song touches change, but somehow the emotional connection is still there.

That is true of this song. When I first fell for it, I was in NYC, obsessed with a man I had no business dating. That was my second year of living dangerously.

Now when I hear it, I think of someone else entirely.

All You Want
by Dido (one of my guilty pleasures)

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe by my side
And though sleep leaves me behind
there's nowhere I'd rather be
And now our bed is oh so cold
my hands feel empty
no one to hold
I can sleep what side I want
It's not the same with you gone
Oh if you'd come home
I'll let you know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

It's been three years
One night apart
but in that night you tore my heart
If only you had slept alone
If those seeds had not been sown

Oh you could come home and you would know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin
can leave the way you just came in
send my regards to her

I hope you've found that
All you want
Is right there in that room
All you need
Is sitting there with you
All you want

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe by my side

Life is beautiful

I was listening to an Indigo Girls song, and there came up a lyric about "I should have taken that road trip with you". I can honestly say there have been no missed opportunities in my life. I have loved fiercely and with an open heart. I don't look back on my life and think there was something I should have done. I have done things that were not good for me, but nothing left undone.

I feel pretty good about that.

I also feel good about being single right now. Had a conversation with C and another with E and both of them exclaimed "well you can do all that stuff you are doing because you are not married!" (legally, I still am, but hey, who's keeping track?)

There were many times last year where coming home to an empty bed or house made my heart and body ache. Now, I have too much going on to dwell: full time work, freelancing on the side, working on music, planning and planting a garden in my front yard (my newest project!), taking cello lessons, working with a personal trainer/going to the gym, oh yeah and taking care of my son!

Its gotten to the point where its relaxing to come home to my house alone. I am excited to finish the garden and post pics!

Pretty Perfect Day

Oh the joys of full time work: paid time off! health care! stimulating conversations with coworkers nearly every day! bonuses!

I got a bonus and decided to buy my son a bike. I love my bicycle, but it usually stays at work so I can commute to the gym in the middle of the day. Thursday I trekked it home on BART, so that today (Saturday) I could bring it to the bike store to get toe clips put on, while I pick out a bike for my dear boy.

Now he and I have matching blue bikes and blue helmets. I swear I didn't do it on purpose! :) We went to Alameda Bicycle, where I got my bike last spring. Once the transactions were done, we loaded the bikes on my rack and drove a short hop down to the Alameda shoreline.

It was bright and breezy, perfect biking weather. We biked for several blocks, then my son decided he wanted to play in the waves. We locked up our bikes, took off our shoes, rolled up our pants, and dashed out to the water. It was cool at first, but after a while of running up and down the shoreline, it got warmer (or at least we did). Laughing, jogging, smiling, stopping, splashing. It was a perfect moment, one I will treasure always.

By the time we were done, he was covered in water and sand. We had to clean up to make the ride back to our car.




If you read Harry Potter, you know there is a spell called the Patronus Charm. In order for it to work, you have to think of your happiest memory, strong enough to overpower the darkness that tries to suck out all your joy. This day was my most happiest memory to date.

Say Goodnight and Go

The other day S texted me to say he was in town and I told him I hope he has a good week. Its strange for me, to be drawing hard lines. To break the ties that bind. But I think its a step in the right direction, honoring myself and my intentions and not settling for second place.

I'm sorry, I told you I loved you and you t