Dream vs Reality

I dreamed last night that a man I knew said "I love you" to me, in this terribly sweet and hushed way. The alarm went off at 6am and I promptly forgot all about it. I was toweling off in the locker room later that morning and it came back to me in a flash. I stood there for several minutes, trying to remember who it was in my dream. It never came back to me, so I guess it was someone I knew only in the dreamtime. You know, when you feel like you recognize someone, but when you wake you know you don't. All I remember is the impact of the words, the way my heart felt hot and dark at the same time.

Earlier this week I found myself on the other side of rejection. I like to think I let him down compassionately. He was a sweet man (and an amazing kisser), but it would have never worked out. I just wasn't feeling it like he was. Ahhhhhh so THAT'S what that feels like!

Through it all, I still remain a hopeFUL romantic, if more cautiously optimistic these days. Mostly, I'm enjoying being on my own. I've got plenty to occupy me what with work, and Skyler, and cello, music, and the gym. As my dad would say: "that'll keep you off the streets".

how will you go

Listening to Crowded House:

How Will You Go
by Crowded House
(mp3)

scape is on your mind again
Escape to a far away land
At times it seems there is no end
To long hard nights of drinking

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

I fell over on the couch again
But you know not all sleep is wasted
Your dreams are alcohol inspired
I can't find a better way to face it

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

And you know, I'll be fine
Just don't ask me how it's going
Gimme time, gimme time
'Cos I want you to see
'Round the world, 'round the world
Is a tangled up necklace of pearls

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

my new year's resolutions

1. be good
2. work out
3. avoid making the same mistakes
4. lighten up :)
5. create more music
6. enjoy being 38 (ooo my birthday is coming up!)

solstice 2008

I got up before dawn (which is easy to do in winter) and drove to SF to watch the sun rise. As I drove across the bridge, I felt a smile emerge. It's good to be up early!

iTunes obliged with several songs around dawn/day/light/:

Beautiful Dawn by the Wailing Jennys (video)
Today by Talk Talk (video)
Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park (video)
Persistance of Memory by Afro Celt Soundsystem (video)
Half-Life by Duncan Sheik (video)
Ya Viene El Sol by Ozomatli (video)



I arrived in SF and pulled over on the Embarcadero at 722 am, exactly when the sunrise was supposed to occur. I walked out on the pier next to Red's Java House, and saw that the cloud bank to the south was obscuring the dawn. Would the sun emerge in time for me to see it?

I sat at the end of the pier and thought about those early Pagans who would await the sun on the solstice. I thought about the darkness in my life over the past couple years. I decided I was ready for the light to come back to me.

The sun rose, shining brighter than I ever remember. It made me happy. I turned, and headed back to my car to drive to work.

Its a new day. I am ready. And the light has returned.

music: aurora borealis

Tonight I'm hosting my nephew for a sleepover. The boys are downstairs playing while the muffins we made together are cooling. On iTunes, I am playing the mix CD I made for D's 40th birthday. I haven't listened to these in about a year. Right now, C.W. McCall is playing. Its a great spoken word bit, totally in contrast to his big hit "Convoy". Very reflective and a bit profound.


Aurora Borealis
by C.W. McCall
(dowmload MP3)

One night last summer we were camped at ten thousand feet up where the air is
clear, high in the Rockies of Lost Lake, Colorado. And as the fire burned low
and only a few glowing embers remained, we laid on our backs all warm in our
sleeping bags and looked up at the stars.

And as I felt myself falling into the vastness of the Universe, I thought about
things, and places, and times.

I thought about the time my grandma told me what to say when I saw the evening
star. You know, Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I
may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

The air is crystal-clear up here; that's why you can see a million stars.

I remember a time a bunch of us were in a canyon of the Green River in Wyoming;
it was a night like this. And we had our rafts pulled up on the bank an' turned
over so we could sleep on 'em, and one of the guys from New York said, "Hey!
Look at the smog in the sky! Smog clear out here in the sticks!" And somebody
said, "Hey, Joe, that's not smog; that's the Milky Way."

Joe had never seen the Milky Way.

And we saw the Northern Lights once, in the Bitterroot Mountains of Montana.
They're like flames from some prehistoric campfire, leaping and dancing in the
sky and changing colors. Red to gold, and blue to violet... Aurora Borealis.
It's like the equinox, the changing of the seasons. Summer to fall, young to
old, then to now. And then tomorrow...

And then everyone was asleep, except me. And as I saw the morning star come up
over the mountains, I realized that life is just a collection of memories. And
memories are like starlight: they go on forever.

lovely day. new music!

Had a very nice morning with my favorite guy :) then he came with me to my cello lesson, where I played everything in Book 1. I'm on to Book 2!! I faced off with a 6.5 year old cello player (my teacher's daughter) and didn't do too shabbily. Although at the end, she told my son "I play better than your mom" Jeez, its a good thing I don't have any ego attached to my cello playing ;)

Then there was the blessingway for Christine, which was so lovely! Nice being surrounded by all the beautiful women in my community.

I took myself to Amoeba Music, where I bought too many CDs. I was really all over the map this time:

Sigu Ros: Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust
Iron & Wine: Our Endless Numbered Days
Linkin Park: Miles to Midnight
Linkin Park: Hybrid Theory
Peter Bjorn and John: Writer's Block
Delerium: the Best of
Sarah McLauchlan: afterglow
Emiliana Torrini: Me and Armini
Shiny Toy Guns: Season of Poison
Thom Yorke: The Eraser
The Pixies: Doolittle

cautiously optimistic

I've been a bit up and down lately. Well, maybe more than a bit, and perhaps more down than up. Today, though, I'm feeling strangely upbeat. Life is a little bit lighter. I don't feel so damn serious about everything. Its all going to work out.

"cautiously optimistic"... I think that's a good term for how I feel today. Alright!

i'm an adult now

Thought of this song today, sign of the times, I guess:

I'm Adult Now
by the Pursuit of Happiness
(mp3)

Well, I don't hate my parents
I don't get drunk just to spite them
I got my own reasons to drink now
I think I'll call my dad up and invite him!
I can sleep in till noon any time I want
Though there's not many days that I do
Gotta get up and take on that world
When you're an adult, it's no cliche, it's the truth

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

I can't even look at young girls anymore
People will think I'm some kind of pervert
Adult sex is either boring or dirty
Young people, they can get away with murder
I don't write songs about girls anymore
I have to write songs about women
No more boy meets girl, boy loses girl
More like man tries to understand out what the Hell went wrong
(ed: this is SO me)

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I got the problems of an adult now
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now, I'm adult now

I can't take any more illicit drugs
I can't afford any artificial joy
I'd sure look like a fool dead in a ditch somewhere
With a mind full of chemicals
Like some cheese-eating high school boy

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

Sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts
And I guess it won't be long
'Til I'm sitting in a room with a bunch
Of people whose necks and backs are aching
Whose sight and hearing's failing
Who just can't seem to get it up
Speaking of hearing, I can't take too much loud music
I mean I like to play it, but I sure don't like the racket
Noise, but I can't hear anything
Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming
Some guy screaming in a leather jacket
Whoaah!

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoudlers
I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now

wish i had more single girlfriends

Almost every woman I know is married or otherwise hooked up. Not that there is anything wrong with that ;) Just would be nice to have more single girlfriends to share stories from the front lines of dating, or swap notes about the single life.

BTW: It looks like I will be legally single very soon. So happy that is moving along.

healing isn't linear

Feeling out of sorts today. Can't seem to focus. Worried about things in my life. At least I don't have to worry about the election any more; what's done is done!

I feel compelled to shut down, or to act out. I don't like being open, vulnerable. Why do I feel raw? Its been so long, I should be fine by now! Make it stop. I want to get off...

And I haven't even gotten started yet. This is just a little taste.

Sigh. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its my hormones. Perhaps its the upcoming wedding, that all of a sudden I am dreading.

There is nothing to do in this space. Just breathe, relax, and let go.

No on Prop 8: Don't take people's dreams away

I heard that Vienna Teng wrote the song "City Hall" after San Francisco legalized gay marriage. It reminds me of the battle waging now, and how close it is. And how dare some people take away the dreams and rights of people they deem "unworthy".

Please support No on Prop 8. I donated this week, its not too late!

Vienna Teng
City Hall
(download mp3)

Me and my baby on a February holiday
'Cause we got the news
Yeah we got the news
500 miles and we're gonna make it all the way
We got nothing to lose
We got nothing to lose

Been ten years waiting
but it's better late then never
we've been told before
We can't wait one minute more


Oh me and my baby driving down
to a hilly seaside town in the rainfall
Oh me and my baby stand in line
you never seen a sight so fine
as the love that's gonna shine at city hall

Me and my baby been through a lot of good and bad
Learned to kiss the sky
Made our mamas cry
Seen a lot of friends after giving it all they had
lay down and die
lay down and die
Ten years into it
here's our window at the Vegas drive-thru chapel
Ain't to much for 'em all to handle



Outside they're handing out donuts and pizza pies
for the folks in pairs
in their folding chairs
My baby's looking so damn pretty with those anxious eyes
rain-speckled hair
and my ring to wear
Ten years waiting for this moment of fate
when we say the words and sign our names
If they take it away again someday
this beautiful thing won't change

this is where

nice talk tonight about boundaries, expectations, fears, past experiences. where he is at, where i am at, where are we in all this.

how familiar these conversations seem. yes, i am aware of the cyclical nature of my life. recurring themes, as it were. cropping up again.

just before going to bed, i head downstairs to check on my son's music. He is asleep while the Wailin Jennys play "This is Where" (download mp3):

The wind howls 'cross the ice floes
Send the frozen snow skimming
A river on a river hardened over
It doesn't know the way it's going
Is it north or south or westward
It just glides across the shoreline 'til it's over

You came for me in fast forward
On a claim for something ordered
A way through and past the history that held you
I'd tell my own story through you
Tell it loud to never lose you
A moth caught be the flame it could cannot measure
And there we go again, wishing something bolder
Trying to push and pull inside this moment
Trying to mold this life within our hands

This is where the whole world keeps on turning
This is where we come undone...undone

Will they measure me by branches
Count the rings and take my ashes
Mark the ground where I fell and carry on
Or will we bite against the silence
Fill our days with noise and violence
Not recognize our hearts when we are done

There we'll go again wishing something bolder
Trying to push and pull inside this moment
Trying to mold this life within our hands

This is where the whole world keeps on turning
This is where we come undone

We don't know where it's going
Is it north or south or westward
Just glide across the shoreline til its over... til its over... over

being in the moment

Two extra nice nights in a row. Two morning-after day-long grins.

Last night, at one point we were on his couch, taking a breather. I looked at him and said "this is a good moment". He agreed. We both smiled. He has a great smile.

He has a very cute little cottage. I was very impressed to see that he had already moved in, and even had art on the wall (and more than just condiments in the fridge!) I felt comfortable there.

We stayed up too late. Feeling tired today, but in a good way. Like I would really love to curl up for a nap. Somewhere warm.

This is a good moment too.

best first date ever.

Last night I had a first date with someone I met on an okcupid.com. I like this site because it has 100s of questions (you answer, then say how you would like your ideal mate to answer) and then 100s of fun quizzes, all of which are used to calculate a percentage matched. Okcupid said we were an 80% match. We traded messages on the site, then emails, then text messages, and decided to meet face to face.

I was so nervous (I havent really been part of the dating game, um, ever) but as soon as our eyes met, most of my nervousness disappeared. We went to a take out restaurant in North Berkeley, had some dessert. But we had to eat outside, and it was cold, so we went to another restaurant for a drink and ended up talking for two and a half hours (and looking up various things on our iPhones, so funny).

I won't say much about him here except that he definitely fits my "profile" (I'm sure my friends would agree!) We made each other laugh, he has excellent taste in books, and is very upbeat.

In the middle of the date, my boss sent me a Tweet: "gentleman?" (to which I had to reply yes). Afterwards, he walked me to my car, we hugged, and then there was that liminal moment where I was thinking "are we going to kiss?" as we were leaning toward each other. Um, yes! :)

I dropped him off at his place. We were both flustered. I couldn't stop smiling. It was very hard to drive away. Text messages flying back and forth on the way home (should have called, I'm so bad with the texting while driving). I had a difficult time going to sleep last night.

Woke up this morning and I'm still smiling. Now THAT was a good date.

My dear boy's birthday

Meant to post this 10/10 (on the actual day):

skyler came into bed with me around 6:30am, which is strange because that's the time labor started on his birthday. Six years ago I was grumpily telling Darcy to turn off the alarm at 7:45am, which is when Sky and I woke up. I sang him happy birthday in bed.

He started saying something about butts and laughing. I shook him and mock-demanded: "Why do you like butts so much?!" which made him laugh more. He said "Its a secret!"

"You don't keep secrets from your mother, tell me!"
"I like butts because they make farts"
"Well that's not a secret"
...

"I have another secret about me and Tibee"
"What is it? TELL ME!!"
"We like to smack each other on the butt"

"So youre saying all your secrets are about butts?"
"Yeah"

we got up and had french toast, the jumped back in bed to snuggle, got up to get ready, drove to pick up my taxes in lafayette, dropped by D's gym so that sky could say happy birthday, gave him a card and present for HIS birthday,

We then took BART and muni train to GG park, had lunch, went to the CA Academy of Sciences,
didnt realize it closed at 5pm. we got there at 3pm... but we did manage to see the planetarium show, which was way cool!

afterwards we went to a japanese restaurant that has the little room where you sit on the floor without shoes, had yummy food. they gave us green tea ice cream with a candle and sang happy birthday

Tired, we trekked across SF, came back home, had bathtime and watched a movie.

All in all a pretty magical day!

just when you thought you were safe

I belong to an email list, a pretty active community of moms. This is a place I have felt safe for the last five years to be able to post pretty much anything going on for me. Today, that safety was violated.

Today my son's principal called to say that he was sent to the office for inappropriately touching another student. She then informed me that it was the third time, and that next time he would be sent home.

First off, I'm pissed that I wasn't told the first two times. That is not ok with me. There will be talks with the principal for sure... when I'm not so angry.

My first instinct was to post to my list to see what I should do. I've gotten some solid advice from these women. I forgot that my sister in law (not the one I am close to) is on the list. She was molested as a young girl and decided to write this post (onlist!) about how she felt like my son was an "abusive, bullying relative", which is completely untrue.

I feel embarrassed, ashamed and angry. If she had sent that to me personally, I could have responded privately. Now I feel like my son has been labeled a bad person to about 100 people and I have been labeled as someone who permits bad behavior. Which is (AGAIN) untrue!

I sent a short reply to the list about it being inappropriate venue for her post. I cannot possibly respond in any rational way. I sent something to the list about how I was feeling, kept it to two sentences. I will respond to her privately in detail when I can do so without being SO DAMN ANGRY.

muppets and ice cream

I took my boy to SF tonight to see the Muppet Movie in Dolores Park. It was great to see the Muppet Movie again, with everyone laughing and cheering. At the end, they turned down the sound so we could all sing along with the Rainbow Connection. Yay!

Afterwards we went to birite creamery. Mmmmmmm late-night ice cream. The girl behind the counter served Skyler before the three people in front of us. Super sweet!

I had salted caramel and roasted banana, while Sky had coconut and mint chip (umm... are you sure you want that?!) Its some of the most delicious ice cream I've had. I totally recommend a trip there!

That sugar boost gave us the energy we needed to walk up the umpteen hills to where I had to park the car. My guy was a trooper!

He stayed awake on the way home, because we have his Leapster game on loan from his dad (man, I can’t wait to give that back!!) but as soon as we got home he was like “mom, I need to go to bed RIGHT NOW”.

Yeah, I'm about ready to go to bed myself.

halloween costume?

I am going to see Morris Day and the Time on Halloween! Yippee! But I have to decide if I want to dress up or not. I have a vinyl nurses uniform that I haven't actually ever worn. With matching vinyl white shoes, no less. I dug it out and tried it on, and was pleasantly surprised: it didn't look half bad! However... I have to face the fact that white is just not a flattering color on me. In fact, I look downright pasty. AND the dress is SO SHORT I couldn't even make a slight bow at the waist without showing my ass. Sigh... so back to the drawing board.

No, I am not posting pictures. Ha!

I think I'm probably going to end up either:

1. recycling my ghost of a passenger on the Titanic (I didn't have a good venue for that one last year)

OR

2. trying to pull together some superhero costume before Skyler's birthday on Saturday (the superhero olympics! kids dressed up!)

what to do, what to do...

movie: conversations with other women

Feeling a bit melancholy, I searched my Netfliz watch instantly queue for something appropriate. This movie was scarily more appropriate than I could have planned. Its about two people who are reunited at a wedding. The whole night is a conversation on what was, what is, and what could be. My heart ached for him, for his longing and his romanticism. But the cynical part of me sided with her pragmatism. She says "there are no happy endings in our story" and part of me agrees.

I won't give away the ending...
Conversations With Other Women on IMDB



I had a dream about D last night. That we were getting reacquainted, as friends. I started questioning whether we should get back together, and then he died. He died and left a huge hole in my heart. I wept in my dream, and when I awoke, I was surprised my cheeks were dry.

tired. and a little down.

surprises me that even after almost two years of separation, I still get sad about this. the whole divorce thing. i guess that's a good sign, right? if he were being an asshole, it would make it easier in one respect... but not really.

i should be working, but i think i might just call it an early night.

you can tell its been a while if...

I just got the DVD for the my son's school variety show (I may need to post our act later on YouTube). One of the hosts of the show is Mr K, one of the teachers. In the middle of watching the DVD with my son, I asked him "hey, is Mr K married?" (thinking, hmmm he's cute!) My son looked at me with confusion (and I'm sure if he had been a teenager it would have been mixed with disgust) and said, "I don't know!!"

ha!

what's in a (last) name?

Had a brief but lovely visit from my friend Katalin. She had never heard the story of how I came by the name Wilde. I'll recount it here for the record.

D. and I had wanted to have the same last name when we got married. I didn't want his, and didn't want him to take mine, necessarily. My first idea was to make a new last name out of our last names: Ward and Fuller. The best I came up with was Fulward (too stuffy!) and Wafful (too too silly). We rented a movie about Oscar Wilde, and when I woke up in the morning, I turned to him and said "Wilde!" he replied "Wilde... hmmm" and that was that.

She told me she knew a couple that changed their last names to Pajama. I just about fell out laughing, it was so cute. Then she asked if I would changing my name after the divorce, and I said no. Two reasons:

1. My son's last name is Wilde
2. When I changed my name to Wilde, there was none of this "oh yeah, my last name isn't Fuller anymore" it fit me so well, it seemed natural. It still suits me, so I'm keeping it. Besides, it was MY idea anyway ;)

I said that if I (somehow!) got married again, I would probably hyphenate my last name, but would have to use XXX-Wilde instead of Wilde-XXX, because Wilde-anything would sound funny. She said "yeah, like Pajama". And I said "well, hell, I would make an exception for Wilde-Pajama"

ha! :)

Random notes from the front lines of dating

I have a profile on nerve personals. I haven't paid it too much attention, because I'm trying to focus on getting through the divorce process. I never know when the universe will nudge someone my way, so I keep it up there for when I'm ready again.

A little while ago, I received a message from a man, which begins:

"You are very different from me, but I utterly love you. Not in that puppy-dog crush sense, but because you are totally cute and very hip....There also seems to be a liminal tinge of sorrow in your life. So brilliant, and yet, even the most intelligent of us can stumble...I sense a far deeper, more complex story is there than can fit into an online profile."

Okay WHOAH. My first reaction is "too much too soon!!", my second was one of "that's spooky". He definitely has a very eloquent way about him, and had some eerie insights. I went to his profile page, and its just not what I am looking for. Sir, do you perhaps have a slightly younger, musical brother? Ahhh I need to write him back to thank him.

"a liminal tinge of sorrow"... I might have to use that in a song ;)

oh and I aaaaalllmost was swayed by this line in his profile:

A naked woman is sexy. A woman's orgasm is sexier.

Ummm yeah. Its been waaaaaaay too long for me in the intimacy department.

music: tear in your hand

This song still moves me when I hear it. So many break ups have taken me to this place. Once again, the whole world is dangling...

Tear in Your Hand
by Tori Amos

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together any more
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king

Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause
Me and charles manson like the same ice cream
I think its that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up
Every time I touch you

Maybe its time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
And your baby baby baby babies
I tell you there's pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

RIP: Lana Scatena

My dear friend Gina's mother Lana passed away last night, from lung cancer. Her family was around her when she drew her last breath.

Today Russ (Gina's husband) asked me if I would sing at her funeral. I am very honored to do so. He asked me to sing Wishing You were Somehow Here Again (from the Phantom of the Opera) and as soon as I heard it, I understood.

Of course, when Sarah Brightman sings it, she sings in high soprano. But I found a site that has digital sheet music you can transpose online and buy. I've already gone through the song a few times and its singable. I'm nervous, but its the least I can do for my very dear friends and their family.

Wishing You were Somehow Here Again
by Andrew Lloyd Weber

You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .

Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .

Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .

Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .

No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say
goodbye.

movie: one for the mummy! no? oh mama mia

After the day I had yesterday, I decided to take myself to see the Mummy. Action-adventure fluff seemed like just the ticket. Only... when I got there, the schedule was wrong: Mama Mia started at 7pm. Not wanting to wait until 945 for the Mummy, I bought my ticket. I had been mildly interested in the film, as my sister and I would sing along with ABBA videos when we were kids (we had them on LASERDISC! ha!) Here is the movie trailer:



SPOILER ALERT:

As I remarked to the concession attendant, part way through the film "there is a lot of singing in this movie". This reaffirmed the fact, for me, that musicals are very tricky things to get right. One of my favorite movies of all time, the Moulin Rouge, is one of the few musicals I actually like.

The girl behind the counter came back with "yeah there is a lot of Pierce Brosnan singing". I was confused, because I hadn't seen him sing yet. And then... whoo boy. I really like Pierce, and love that he has taken a risk, but it was too much for me to see him sing. The audience laughed, which, because this is a comedy, isn't a complete insult. But still, he is the leading man.

Okay and here I have to admit that the romantic in me got caught up in how he asked her to marry him (and she said yes!!) - that was sweet. But the best part is at the end, during the first part of the credits: the three women perform a song, in full disco drag, and then the three MEN come out in the most over the top costumes EVER and sing as well. Had me rolling in the aisles.

I made the mistake of sitting next to a very enthusiastic fan, who had already seen the movie once. Lots of clapping and laughing at all parts of the film. But she was on the side that I can't hear much, so it wasn't too bad.

Then I came home and had a breakdown around my studio. Still feeling bummed out about that.

a difficult morning

Excruciating conversation this morning with Sky's dad. Obviously there is still a lot of unresolved anger on both sides. I spent the last four hours crying, raging. Talked with friends who have been through it, and got some good perspective, but just SAD and ANGRY.

Managed to compose a neutral email to D to clarify, acknowledge the anger on both sides, and suggest possibly returning to therapy. He replied within the hour (amazing!) with his own email saying basically the same thing.

This is all so hard.

a beautiful day in Santa Cruz

My bf and I took our kids to the Boardwalk on Sunday. It was a gorgeous day! My favorite part was spending time at the beach. The water was nice and cool on a hot day. It felt deliciously slippery around my legs.

Sky got completely soaked! At one point, he went under a wave. I raced in to haul him up, soaking my iPhone in the process. He sputtered and announced "mom, that was SO COOL!!!" So much for me saving his life! ;)

Today I went in to the Apple store and bought a new iPhone. DOH!!!

movies: tropic thunder

Saw Tropic Thunder today while my dear son played with his cousin. I have to say, I'm not a big Ben Stiller comedy fan. In fact, the first 15 minutes or so I was wondering if I should walk out. But I stuck through, and actually enjoyed the film (although there will still plenty of wincing moments).

The best part (for me) was Tom Cruise playing a balding, fat, hairy, meglomaniac Hollywood bigwig. Man, I could NOT stop laughing, he was awesome!! He is the whole reason I am glad I saw Tropic Thunder.

Weird site note: the guy who plays the sycophantic assistant to Tom Cruise's character looks SCARILY like my ex-boyfriend, who's life imploded before he left the Bay Area. Check it out:





Maybe its just an Irish thing. I don't know. Anyway, I couldn't stop staring at him everytime he was on screen. It was odd. Still trying to shake it.

video: mother/son camping - nighttime fun

Again, I [heart] iMovie. It makes this video thing sooooo easy:



hope that worked... YouTube told me it was still processing the video, but damnit, I'm impatient!

;)

video: mother/son camping

I [heart] my mac and iMovie. Today I jumped into video editing and made a little movie of our camping trip this past week:



ok, now i need to figure out how to make the video look better.. if that is possible...

i have sound!

I posted earlier about my woes in setting up my receiver. Thanks to a mark, I now have it all set up correctly! What was the problem, you ask? Why, I was sticking the wires in the wrong hole.

charlotte sometimes: a reunion

Its my 20th year high school reunion; I graduated a year early at age 17. The fact that I am going, and looking forward to going (with my dear dear friend Russ, yay!!) is a minor miracle.

There was much darkness in my early school years. Lots of therapy in the past few years has shed light on what happened, and healed that place in me. I even wrote a song about the process, called Unraveling (check out Unraveling on my music site).

This reminisce started tonight, when "Charlotte Sometimes" came up on iTunes. I loved that song in high school. All the Cure songs resonated with that deeply wounded part of myself.

It also made me remember my 10 year reunion, how scared I was to go. I listened to Tori Amos songs on the way up, raw and jagged in my emotionally fragile state. I started drinking early and too much. Poor D had to take care of me. The funny thing is that I was so busy trying not to fall into a timewarp to my younger self, that I couldn't see people for who they were in the present time.

I listen to the song now and it tells the story of a sad girl who wanted for so long to wake up in a different

Charlotte Sometimes
the Cure
(listen to mp3)

all the faces
all the voices blur
change to one face
change to one voice
prepare yourself for bed
the light seems bright
and glares on white walls
all the sounds of
charlotte sometimes
into the night with
charlotte sometimes

night after night she lay alone in bed
her eyes so open to the dark
the streets all looked so strange
they seemed so far away
but charlotte did not cry

the people seemed so close
playing expressionless games
the people seemed
so close
so many
other names...

sometimes i'm dreaming
where all the other people dance
sometimes i'm dreaming
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i'm dreaming
expressionless the trance
sometimes i'm dreaming
so many different names
sometimes i'm dreaming
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
she hopes to open shadowed eyes
on a different world
come to me
scared princess
charlotte sometimes

on that bleak track
(see the sun is gone again)
the tears were pouring down her face
she was crying and crying for a girl
who died so many years before...

sometimes i dream
where all the other people dance
sometimes i dream
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i dream
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
there are so many different names
sometimes i dream
sometimes i dream...

charlotte sometimes crying for herself
charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself
but it's always with love
with so much love it looks like
everything else
of charlotte sometimes
so far away
glass sealed and pretty
charlotte sometimes

Feeling good

This morning I got an email from my sister in law saying she and my brother had decided to move back to the States. I can't tell you how happy that makes me, which is kinda strange, since we hardly ever spent time together while they were here. Before they left, they came to Oakland, and I took them to the Parkway Speakeasy Theater (food, beer/wine, couches and movies??? what's not to love?!?!) and had a great time hanging out with them.

I emailed her to tell her I was glad, and I knew it must have been a hard decision. She emailed back to say that they realized they want to put more time and effort into the relationships they miss here, and that I was at the top of the list.

Can't tell you how good that made me feel!

sometimes i feel like such a girl...

...and not in a good way.

A few months back (ok, like 6 months ago), I stopped being able to play music on my computer. I had it hooked up to a receiver, which was connected to a pair of speakers I got from an ex boyfriend who left the Bay Area (long story. sigh). I believed the problem was with the receiver, since it was old and janky (kinda warped on the top, tended to overheat). So I FINALLY got a new receiver (which I kept mistakenly calling an "amp" which made all the guys at Best Buy confused), and now I cannot hook up my damn speakers to save my LIFE.

Here is what it looks like from the back (someone else's photo, god knows I would never take this thing apart):
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t161/SethKL/Picture016.jpg

(posted here: http://forums.audioholics.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-38918.html)

I put the speaker wire in the appropriate holes. I tightened the screws all the way, and the wires just fell out.

Am I using wire that is too thin? I don't even know where to begin searching. I tried googling "insignia NS-R2000 stereo receiver speaker wire problem connecting" and my problem isn't even in the results. Which makes me feel SO LAME, like no one ever had trouble doing this and what the HELL is my problem???

I'm getting a glass of wine. Perhaps I'll calm down enough to rethink this.

But meanwhile, this falls under the category of "I cannot figure this shit out", joining things like "installing a shelf", "setting up my recording studio". I hate to think I need some man to come in and help me, but ARRRRGGGHHH!!! If that is the way it has to be!!!

dream: the world is on fire

Last night's dream:

I went to the parking lot to get my car, and D had it painted purple. I argued with the attendant, asking him how he could have let this happen as it is MY car.

I pulled out of the lot, looked out and saw block after block of office buildings and skyscrapers (i was downtown). and I saw all these buildings on fire. I looked closer, and saw the flames engulf a block of buildings. it was coming my way.

I backed up to pull out the other way, to try to outrun the flames. I looked across and saw the fire race past me. then the flames engulfed me, and i thought "so this is how it feels to die". I did not feel any pain.

This morning I made an appointment for D and I to meet with a paralegal to start our divorce.

I miss making music

I had some words float into my head today, took note on my iPhone. I've stalled out getting my studio together. Sigh.

Closing in

I debated whether or not to go to the cocktail networking function after the conference today. I'm glad I did. Met a whole bunch of Canadians (and a midwesterner) and took them to the Globe. I think they were suitable impressed :) I have had a lot of good memories at that restaurant. D used to take me there when I got back from traveling to the midwest to remind me of why I live in San Francisco. They have excellent food, and they server dinner late (open until 1am on weekdays). They are known among restaurant folk as a good after-work place.

Back in my house in the hills. I stood on the deck and smoked a clove cigarette, the spice lingering on my tongue, a smile on my lips. The mist closing in on my house, making things seems cosy in the dark. A nice night.

Closing In
by Imogen Heap
mp3

I can't wait
To be with you
No I just can't sit still,
Are we there yet?
Takes me back,
I remember
Such a magical place
It was all you...

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way

Frame by frame,
Red speed ahead
A city dissolving,
The threat of your love in the headlights
Is it safe now?
Will your arms be open?
I just have to kiss you,
Try and stop me

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in
It’s all that I want in the whole world
Closing in
Please be there, please be there

What are you like?
Where did you get to?
No word no nothing
You didn't hold me, for any longer
Did you walk for the fear of love?
Or don't you believe enough?
Well I'll cover both of us
You can leave that to me!

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in...closing in...

god I love him

This morning Sky has a hard time picking what he wants for breakfast. To get over his frustration in the moment, he goes to iTunes to pick out music. "The amp isn't on" I say as I walk away. I start making banana bread and music comes on. "This sounds like Prince"

more house cleaning

Deleted over 3000 emails from my Sent folder, some going back to 2002. Deleted entire groups of client emails. Trashed emails from old lovers without even looking at them (ok, I did look at SOME :)

Clearing the space feels so GOOD. Now its time to go to bed. But FIRST: a little Law & Order....

Yelp!

I am addicted to Yelp. Help! :) eeeeegads

I've posted exactly four reviews, and I'm itching to do more. Why do I have to work? Oh right, the money! ;)

http://jenniferwilde.yelp.com

funny developer Tshirts

The Moscone Center is on my walk between BART and the office. Right now the Apple WWDC is going on. Briefly flirted with the idea of trolling for a date there, dismissed after a brief chuckle.

But I did see a couple of funny T-shirts:

I'm not slacking,
my code's compiling

and

There are 10 kinds of people in this world:
Those that know binary, and those that don't

And if you thought those were funny you are as much of a geek as I am!! :)

that wasn't me, it was someone else

I've been feeling bitter and anxious about eminent divorce the last couple days, having really angry thoughts. Today I realize that most of that was due to a two hour conversation I had with a mom going through divorce and custody battle. When I made that connection, I was able to let it go and be present to what is actually so in my situation.

Its amazing to me how much other people's stuff affects me.

Today, after a conversation with D, I felt sad and guilty and weird. Now I know that that wasn't me; I am pretty sure I was processing some of his energy.

Get grounded, separate, regain my amusement and positive outlook. I am doing the best I can, and it will all work out in the end.

Wow, whatever has been haunting me the last few days is gone for now! :)

movie review: Sex and the City

Tonight I saw Sex and the City (the movie). Although there were some annoying moments, overall, it was cute and sweet. They did a great job with the beginning sequence to summarize what has happened in the series.

WARNING: spoilers

Recently I've been getting more comments about my resemblance to the woman who plays Miranda. I started getting that when I was pregnant with Skyler, so its nothing new. In the movie, Miranda has married Steve (the father of her child). All seems to be going well, except they haven't had sex for a bout 6 months. Steve admits one night that he slept with another woman. Miranda moves out, they have shared custody of their son. Eventually they end up in this therapy program in which they have a series of sessions, then decide that they will take a break for two weeks, and if, after that time, they want to move forward, they will meet on the Brooklyn bridge. If they meet there, they agree to let the past in the past and to move forward together, despite their past hurts. Of course, they end up both there on the bridge together.

There is a moment when they are separated, and Miranda is relating this funny thing about Steve to the girls and they are looking at her like she is a complete idiot for not staying with him. I've definitely had moments like that. Once I was telling my best friend some story about D, and afterwards she paused and said "You know, now I know why people kept asking me if [her longtime sweetheart] and I were going to get back together after we broke up". I know. You hear someone tell the story and its like "so... why couldn't you guys work it out?"

Because stories don't tell the whole story... as it were.

I think I deliberately stayed emotionally distant from that character. I think she is like me in some ways. There was a scene when she is trying to decide whether to go to the bridge. She is looking at a yellow legal pad of pros and cons about Steve. I know I definitely drew up lists myself, trying to sort it all out. In the end, Miranda and I both followed our gut... with very different results.

Ahhhhh its just a movie.

the lessons i have to learn

Two realizations for me today, centering on two very important lessons I am learning:

1. Stillness
It feels like my life is in slow motion. My SIL had a great analogy: "its like you've been on DSL and now you are on dial-up". I keep feeling like its been forever since I worked on music, or dated anyone. Those two areas of my life are laying fallow right now. I told her that the last year has felt like I keep waiting for my life to happen. What I have to realize is THIS is my life. THIS is my home. THIS is my present. THIS is the love in my life. THIS is what I am doing right now. THIS is who I am.

When you have endured trauma, as I have, there is a tendency to speed through all the pain. To rush through the emptiness and the hollowness. I can't tell you how many times I cried in the last year "When is this going to end?"

I used to get flirtatious text messages from lovers. I used to get phone calls from friends and admirers. I used to get emails asking about my feelings. Things are definitely not as exciting. They are more still. There is more silence. Perhaps that is a good thing.

I bought myself a card about six months ago. Its up in my cubicle at work, right on the corner behind my monitors. It says "Be happy, for in this moment, THIS MOMENT, is your life".

This is my life.

And if that wasn't enough, lesson number two:

2. Impermanence
Sure, this one was easy for me to get. On the surface its common sense: nothing lasts forever, everything is evolving and changing. But today I found a new twist. I was thinking about C. and her new baby-to-be, and how I have these really deep pangs of wanting another child. But when I look at the logistics, I have just as much resistance to having one (fear of what it will do to my future relationship being the biggest one). I tried looking at why now, why do I want another child now? And its because I look at Skyler and he is growing. This is the last week of kindergarten. Its gone. I may never have a kindergartener again. I may never hold a newborn in my arms again. Its all slipping away from me.

Some people feel this and decide to have another child. I don't have that luxury (modern fertility technology notwithstanding). Instead I choose to sit here with this small feeling of loss and consternation. Skyler is growing and changing.

Well that's enough lessons for now.

i [heart] steve jobs

I relented and got an iPhone. The crackberry was way cheaper, but iPhone interface was way way cooler. I sat and played with it at the ATT store in SF (in the mall!! I can't stand the mall, it makes me physically ill) for about a half hour before i decided to take it.

Then discover they do not actually have any there. He refers me to the Apple store a block away. When I get there, not only do they tell me there are none left at the store, they are actually sold out nation-wide! I can't even order it on the website (which the girl helpfully pulls up "see? currently out of stock!")

I make a mental note to go to Emeryville to try that Apple store, take BART home, miss my stop because I'm on the Richmond train and I forget that I parked at MacArthur instead of Rockridge. I finally make it to the E'ville Apple store and they too are out. Conveniently, there is an ATT store down the block. They too are out!

I feel I'm starting to worry. My phone was broken - I could call out and people could hear me, but I couldn't hear a thing. Which renders the phone completely useless (except that I can text). The salesperson says I can call other stores if I like while he waits on other customers. I try and fail to get a live person at the Oakland store, then randomly call the El Cerrito store. They have iPhones and they close in 30 minutes.

Bad directions and a false stop later, I arrive at the store 5 minutes before they close. Now I have a shiny new gadget to figure out!


Anyone trying to get an iPhone, GO TO THE EL CERRITO STORE and talk to Frank. They have PLENTY of iPhones!

On a totally unrelated note, tonight I get my haircut. FINALLY. So tired of it being so long! I'm gonna have the stylist take before and after pictures with the iPhone.

clearing and cleaning

Had a fabulous Family Day at Spirit Rock with Skyler. Such a good thing for my soul! Even with getting frustrated that Skyler was running around :)

Just cleaned out 3361 emails from my inbox. GOD THAT FEELS GOOD.

Saw Prince Caspian tonight with Becca. So many cute boys. Every time they showed the Caspian's profile, I almost wept - What a beautiful man!

Yes, to answer your question, it has been a while for me.

I am waiting in stillness, being with my life exactly the way it is.

Never Let me Down Again

I don't know why I'm feeling irritated. I got a disappointing shock in the mail (but not unexpected). Then I cleaned my house, which made me feel productive (and its always nicer to be in a clean house). I was practically giddy during my cello lesson, after that.

Then I tried and failed to make some spontaneous plans. This turned out to be a good thing, because I have a ton of work to do. But I'm slightly irritated by my day. And then I was irritated that I couldn't find some decent music to work to in iTunes. I only have 50 THOUSAND songs, how hard could it F---ing be?! And that interaction I just had with my ex and my son didn't help either.

But this song seemed to help, a little:

Depeche Mode
Never Let Me Down

I'm taking a ride
With my best friend
I hope he never let's me down again
He knows where he's taking me
Taking me where I want to be
I'm taking a ride
With my best friend

We're flying high
We're watching the world pass us by
Never want to come down
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/dQM ]
Never want to put my feet back down
On the ground

I'm taking a ride
With my best friend
I hope he never let's me down again
Promises me I'm as safe as houses
As long as I remember who's
wearing to trousers
I hope he never let's me down again

Never let me down

See the stars, they're shining bright
Everything's alright tonight

Ask for what you want!

Laughed my ass off reading this ad for musicians on craigslist. Hell, I didn't even know you could put this in an ad:

"personality wise, looking for someone who's really into making music but not some total freak that's a pain in the ass and insane. "

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/muc/674934363.html

darkness abated. resume life.

Had a great healing conversation with Liliana. She is truly amazing. There was this darkness that was trying to convince me to leave the planet. A gray blanket of grief, and a fatigue so intense I wanted to sleep the rest of my life away. She was able to lift a corner, allow me to see the light again. And today I feel much much better, thank you very much.

WHEW. That was scary. Glad its over.

road trips

I recently answered a personals ad, got a reply and sent this as part of my response:

"I have about a billion questions to ask, but I'll keep it to one (or two) for now and give you my answers:

1. What was your most memorable/best roadtrip?

Mine: i went on a road trip with a man i was seeing down to big sur. we drove along the coast, listening to mix CDs we had made for each other. we parked at a state park, hiked to a waterfall that spilled into the ocean. we stood there and made out just as the sun was setting in a beautiful orange blaze. as i write this i chuckle, because it seems so over the top. but it really happened!"

Life Carries On

Struggling today. Not sure why. But there is a moment in this song that helps:

I Grieve
by Peter Gabriel

t was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Theres nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Its just the way that you would tied in
Now theres no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I cant handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing whats gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone thats out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Its just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve

Yellow Submarine, part 1

There is the skeleton of a 7' long Submarine in my carport.

My son's school is having a variety show. I asked him if he wanted to be in it, and of course he said YES. He told me he wanted to sing Yellow Submarine and he wanted me to sing too. I got the idea from my neighbor to ask other kids in his class to see if anyone else wanted to join him. I am now organizing a troupe of kids for the show. Whew! :)

I posted to the Burning Moms list to see if anyone had a cardboard box. One couple said their neighbors just got a couch and had a large box to donate. We picked it up in my brother in law's pickup truck and took it home.

It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do with it. One of the parents in the group had the great idea to use dowels as handles so that kids inside could pick it up and walk around in it. My original idea was to just draw a submarine on it, but the box was pretty short. I would have to build it up, I decided.

After some research on the web about paper mache and frameworks, I hit on a forum for model train builders. There were recommendations for using crumpled newspaper and plaster cloth strips. It was supposed to be relatively fast and easy. So with a deep breath, I dove in:

the box:





starting to build up the top:



added the top periscopes and front "nose":



closeup of "nose" and porthole:



I realized that I needed to get the structure up off the ground so I got help from D. lifting it onto my recycling bin and greens can:



Nose is built out. I then realized I could not put the PVC pipe in the sides because the bins were in the way. So I very carefully had to lift it (one side at a time, as I was alone) onto two saw horses. You can also see the tail started:



Closeup of PVC pipe framework from outside. I decided to use cross-pieces to stabilize the box:



More build up on the sides. I started with long pieces of tape spanning the length of the box:



Then I would build vertically down the side, out from the middle:



On the other side I built vertically first, then taped horizontally:



Paper framework complete:



You can see the finished tail from here:



And on to plastering! I niavely thought that 8 rolls of plaster cloth "should do the trick". This is how far I got with those:



When I woke up Sunday morning, I realized I had made what could have been a grave mistake. I had envisioned the kids getting into the submarine, then lifting it up and walking along with it. However... there was no hole in front for them to see! So the first thing I did was very carefully cut a viewing hole from the inside. I had to cut through the original box AND the box that made up the nose. I was nervous that the sawing would dislodge the tape and newspaper, but managed to keep everything intact.

That day I drove to three different art supply stores and bought every roll of plaster cloth they had. Midway through plastering:



And this is where I stopped (for now):


A view to the inside of the submarine, from the front view hole:

taxes - the burden has almost lifted

I took yesterday off work to finish tax prep. I spent a good 10 hours on it, finally got almost all the way done. Just waiting for info from D. to finish up.

I owe a boat load, but hopefully the expenses will offset it a bunch.

bunch, boat load: technical terms. ahem.

I had two glasses of wine after I finished. I'm a little fuzzy this AM.

note to self:

do not jump rope without sufficient clothing ever again. ouch, that hurt.

2.57 miles

That's the distance between self assuredness and doubt. Between the time when I felt secure in my singlehood and when I felt a lurch in my mind.

Why did he have to have so many ties to my past? Is that what I have been feeling?

And what am I going to do now, steal him from someone else?

Damn it.

my garden

As promised, pictures:

see how my garden grows

I spent most of today digging through receipts (paper and digital) to prep for 2007 taxes. Definitely feeling like I am clearing out dead energy, like fallen leaves. Good, but tedious!

I took a break in the middle to go to Home Depot to get a new pump for the stone water fountain I bought from Gilman Salvage. I also bought a carved wooden bench there, it looks like a snake with legs. Very appropos for the Snake House ;)

Now I have a little garden all to myself, in what was once a hill of dirt. I even have a little secret alcove among the bamboo for a laughing buddha and some small plants that surround him. Today I cleaned, assembled and finished the fountain (it has tiers that look like flowers) and planted all the plants around it. It looks so lovely!

Tomorrow I'll try to take some pictures before work to add to this post.

refigerator poetry from another era

I'm going through old records today, doing taxes. The last time I will do taxes for the two of us.
I found a paper plate upon which I had scrawled poetry. I remember that I was cleaning the magnetic poetry set off the refrigerator in preparation for selling our house. It is interesting to look back at it now:

she will cry delicately but ask no less of you
as the sad dreams hit her

wind blows and she sings madly faster into the storm
let the cool rain lick her raw
here is her essential power

then there rose a vision of a still sky
of their luscious moments together
of languid days and sweet sunlight
the ugliness was behind you and me.

I miss kissing

I am well aware of the benefits of single life. But I have to say that the one thing I miss most right now is kissing. I long for the thrill of the first kiss, unbidden and so uncertain. The initial soft slow brushing of lips, becoming the urgent merging of mouths, insistent and strong, the playful licks, breathing in another's breath...

Just thinking about it makes me shiver.

All you need is love

My son and I had a last minute argument trying to get out the door for school. We can both be stubborn at times! So I put on the Beatles as a peace offering and asked him which song he wanted. He chose "When I'm Sixty Four" (one of his current favorites). Then as we came down the hill, I put on "All You Need Is Love". We were a little late for school, but sat in the car for the end of the song. As the notes faded, I said "I love you" and he nodded sagely and said "Love is all you need."

All you want

Interesting how things change... you have different experiences and the strings a song touches change, but somehow the emotional connection is still there.

That is true of this song. When I first fell for it, I was in NYC, obsessed with a man I had no business dating. That was my second year of living dangerously.

Now when I hear it, I think of someone else entirely.

All You Want
by Dido (one of my guilty pleasures)

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe by my side
And though sleep leaves me behind
there's nowhere I'd rather be
And now our bed is oh so cold
my hands feel empty
no one to hold
I can sleep what side I want
It's not the same with you gone
Oh if you'd come home
I'll let you know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

It's been three years
One night apart
but in that night you tore my heart
If only you had slept alone
If those seeds had not been sown

Oh you could come home and you would know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin
can leave the way you just came in
send my regards to her

I hope you've found that
All you want
Is right there in that room
All you need
Is sitting there with you
All you want

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe by my side

Life is beautiful

I was listening to an Indigo Girls song, and there came up a lyric about "I should have taken that road trip with you". I can honestly say there have been no missed opportunities in my life. I have loved fiercely and with an open heart. I don't look back on my life and think there was something I should have done. I have done things that were not good for me, but nothing left undone.

I feel pretty good about that.

I also feel good about being single right now. Had a conversation with C and another with E and both of them exclaimed "well you can do all that stuff you are doing because you are not married!" (legally, I still am, but hey, who's keeping track?)

There were many times last year where coming home to an empty bed or house made my heart and body ache. Now, I have too much going on to dwell: full time work, freelancing on the side, working on music, planning and planting a garden in my front yard (my newest project!), taking cello lessons, working with a personal trainer/going to the gym, oh yeah and taking care of my son!

Its gotten to the point where its relaxing to come home to my house alone. I am excited to finish the garden and post pics!

Pretty Perfect Day

Oh the joys of full time work: paid time off! health care! stimulating conversations with coworkers nearly every day! bonuses!

I got a bonus and decided to buy my son a bike. I love my bicycle, but it usually stays at work so I can commute to the gym in the middle of the day. Thursday I trekked it home on BART, so that today (Saturday) I could bring it to the bike store to get toe clips put on, while I pick out a bike for my dear boy.

Now he and I have matching blue bikes and blue helmets. I swear I didn't do it on purpose! :) We went to Alameda Bicycle, where I got my bike last spring. Once the transactions were done, we loaded the bikes on my rack and drove a short hop down to the Alameda shoreline.

It was bright and breezy, perfect biking weather. We biked for several blocks, then my son decided he wanted to play in the waves. We locked up our bikes, took off our shoes, rolled up our pants, and dashed out to the water. It was cool at first, but after a while of running up and down the shoreline, it got warmer (or at least we did). Laughing, jogging, smiling, stopping, splashing. It was a perfect moment, one I will treasure always.

By the time we were done, he was covered in water and sand. We had to clean up to make the ride back to our car.




If you read Harry Potter, you know there is a spell called the Patronus Charm. In order for it to work, you have to think of your happiest memory, strong enough to overpower the darkness that tries to suck out all your joy. This day was my most happiest memory to date.

Say Goodnight and Go

The other day S texted me to say he was in town and I told him I hope he has a good week. Its strange for me, to be drawing hard lines. To break the ties that bind. But I think its a step in the right direction, honoring myself and my intentions and not settling for second place.

I'm sorry, I told you I loved you and you think we can be just friends now? I don't think so.

I used to feel guilty about that. Now I don't. My mother told me on Sunday that my dad tried to pull that on her the month before they were married. He wanted to call it off and just be friends. She said no, and went to a bar to get drown her sorrows. He came and found her and took it all back.


Say Goodnight and Go
by Imogen Heap (mp3)

Say goodnight and go.

Skipping beats,
Blushing cheeks.
I am... struggling..
Daydreaming,
Bed scenes in... the corner cafe
And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic... tremblings
You get me every time.

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you..
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Follow you home,
You've got your headphones on
And you're dancing
Got lucky;
Beautiful shot:
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains wide open
And you're following the same routine;
Flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone..

Oh, why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

One of these days,
You'll miss your train,
And come stay with me...
{It's always say goodnight and go}
We'll have drinks,
And talk about things and,
Any excuse to stay awake with you...
You'd sleep here,
I'd sleep there,
But then the heating may be down again,
At my convenience...
We'd be good,
We'd be great together...

Go (sigh)
{Instrumental pause}

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Why's it always always:
goodnight and go?
Oh, Darling not again,
Goodnight and... go...

giving myself musical credit where credit is due

I had a cello lesson today! And although it was frustrating and difficult, I got some great stuff out of it. She asked me how it was that I knew how to read and write music. I mentioned that I had piano lessons when I was 8 years old or so. She said that was remarkable that I still knew how to read and write music after all that time.

But later on I realize that I was selling myself short. I tend to do that. In music, I think of myself as a relative newbie. But check this out:

8 years old:
piano lessons 1-2 years, (didn't practice much)

elementary school:
played flute in band one year (didn't do well enough to continue on)

middle school:
choir 1 year, sang competitively once, won top prize and had a command performance recital.

college:
private vocal lessons for 1 year, plus singing class
composition class for 1 semester (probably where all the music writing came back)

pregnant with my son
singing lessons for 1 year


So you see, its not such a stretch that I would find my way back to music, or know enough to write. And the only one who is surprised is me :)

Valentine's Day

Last year I listened to NPR because I couldn't stand to listen to music. Any music. I took myself to a cafe to work, because I was going crazy working from my house. Then on impulse I went to a music store in Oakland and rented a cello. It was a single act of love towards myself.

I remember bringing it home, taking the cello out of the case, lovingly stroking it with my fingers. I didn't even know how to play. I couldn't wait to start making music on it.

This year, I took Skyler to Fenton's so we could have an ice cream sundae (cookies and cream ice cream with strawberry topping and whipped cream) BEFORE dinner.

We had bought these weird valentines for his class: they were blank faces with eyes, noses, ears, mouths, and accessories as stickers with which you could decorate. We sat and made silly faces with the leftover faces until our sundae arrived.

We came home, had dinner, finished homework, bath time and bed. As I lay in bed next to him, I told him "You are my Valentine" and he grabbed my cheeks with both hands and said "BE MINE". My little lover boy, so affectionate.

What would I do without him? He is such a joy!

Juno

Last night saw Juno by myself at the Piedmont Theater. I had dinner at the Bar & Grill across the street. The bartender/waitress, Katie?, was so dear, called me sweetie, told me that I didn't look old enough to have a five year old.

They have a chalkboard with the movies playing across the street, and you can cast your vote for whether or not you liked them. I told Katie I was seeing Juno and she positively gushed over it. So I came back after the movie to cast my vote and tell her how much I loved it.

Super sweet movie, the main character is whip smart and very grounded. The teenage boy is so endearing and earnest. I realize I have a teeny crush on Jason Bateman, although his is a pretty ambivalent character.

The music was all great, acoustic singer/songwriter stuff. I need to get the soundtrack. The twist in the movie broke my heart, spent the last 20 minutes with little tears sparkling at the corners of my eyes.

As I left the Bar & Grill, Katie said "have a good night sweetie!"

Sparkly

I got off BART today after work, about 6:00 pm. The sun had set, but the sky was still a riot of color. The streetlights were lit, and the whole world looked sparkly, somehow. I read Jon Carroll's column in the SF Chronicle on the way home, where he recounts the story of a man who is journeying in Central America and at this place he is staying at (in the middle of the jungle) he looks out to find a sea of fireflies, and he is transfixed in the moment. I close my eyes and envision the scene, descending as he did down the stairs beneath the surface of the lights, how beautiful it must be. And then I open my eyes and realize... how beautiful life IS.

The last day of our acquaintance

My mind keeps wanting to see the world as dim and flat. My eyes tell me it is colorful and shiny. Why does the vortex want me to go down? What strange elemental power is this that wants to hold me back? My soul is stretched between sadness and hope. Blurred hues swim in tears. And then nothing.

Listened to this song three times in a row:

The Last Day of Our Acquaintance
by Sinead O'Connor
mp3

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love
Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

Bahama Mama

Yes, that is the name of the drink I am sipping. Its been a fun time here in Miami. I traveled here for the Internet Retailers Web Design & Usabililty Conference. I have learned a ton and am super jazzed about it all. Got stuck in one room with my two (female) colleagues, which turned out to be a slumber party/dorm atmosphere. I found out they are BOTH into Tori Amos, but not Ani DiFranco, which is a miracle unto itself. Definitely a good bonding time as well as educational.

Make tomorrow today

First song of the day from iTunes. Reminds me of how I spent so much of last year praying for 2008 to come. Another beautiful song from Mr Gabriel, rich in texture, lyrically simple. Makes me want to put on my wedding dress, see myself in the mirror, get lost in the memories.

Make Tomorrow
by Peter Gabriel

Put on the dress in which you were married
Pull down the veil til your eyes are hid
Can you remember where we both came from
Let us do as we did

Look at tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

Put back the photo under your window
Put down the phone that you hold in your hand
Put away these things that stand in between us
Let us be what we can
When it seems
Hopeless
When it seems
Hopeless

Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

What better measure of what you were doing here
Then what you can leave behind
All the children of your children's children
Do you ever think what they're going to find
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the sacred meet the scared
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the dreamer's dream is dared

In each of us
A dream can burn like the sun
Let's try it all one more time
To get this lesson learned

Sitting up in a spaceship
Looking down at the earth
You wonder what they all stuggling for
What's it all really worth
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow

going to the ball!

Tonight I will be going to the Edwardian Ball once again. I beautiful costume event with loads of entertainment. This year I have some dear friends attending with me and it should be a blast!

I spent some time getting a costume together, which I haven't done for years. Here's a little sneak peak. I am not a seamstress, and managed to assemble this costume using mostly existing pieces and the judicious use of safety pins. More photos tonight, I'm sure!

Meanwhile I have a whole day of work, a trip to the gym, and an afternoon with my son before I can get ready for the big night.

Where I Am At

A Moment to Myself
by Macy Gray

I saw a rainbow just earlier today
Lately those rainbows be comin' round like everyday
Deep in the struggle I have found the beauty of me
God is watchin and the devil finally let me be
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

They're all lookin at you, you've got everything to lose
Get up and dance girl, sing your tu-rah-loo-rah-loo
And quit bitchin bout how don't nobody really love you
Spread your rubber lovin and it bounces back to you
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

Flowers are bloomin under gray skies and moons
Seems like I'm winnin everytime I lose
And the answers I been looking for been here all this time
Spread my rubber lovin and everything was fine
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

past loves put to rest

Its a good thing I'm not this dramatic anymore! Nice to be more even keel these days.

Ghost
by the Indigo Girls

Theres a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippis mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess thats how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And theres not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Im in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
Id walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
Ive never been this close
Im in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh Im forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I cant swim free
The river is too deep
Though Im baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

Holding it in... letting it go...

Lately it seems to me that my life is a big exercise in non-attachment. Which is the way it is for everyone, I suppose, given that human beings are prone to attachment even though it creates so much suffering.

But back to me :) I don't like to get too general, it makes me feel detached. In the last couple months, I have been developing an attachment to a certain outcome in the arena of relationships. And I have read into recent events the possibility of the attainment of that outcome, and assume it would happen in a certain way.

This is bullshit. I'm being deliberately vague and that's not how I want to be.

I want you to come back, but I'm afraid to ask you. I want to be one of the reasons you come back, but not the only one. I don't know how long I am willing to stay in this limbo. Every time I see you, it gets harder to let you go.

Part of me hopes you will read this, and part of me hopes that I can gather the words and the courage to tell you.

I know that whatever happens is the right way. That everything happens for a reason. That my life is good, and my happiness does not depend on this outcome.

But damnit, I just want my heart to be RIGHT for once. And I know how petty and selfish that sounds.

eternal sunshine

I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in the theater (March 2004), and at the end of the movie, I agreed with the main characters. I thought that I would make the same life choices over again if I had the opportunity, even if there was the promise of pain.

I saw it again tonight on DVD and wept at the ending. Is it because now there are memories I would rather have erased? Or is it because I, like Clementine, wanted my Joel to come after me and insist that we be together, no matter what the ending might be?

i love it here, why aren't you here too?

On Thursday morning, driving in to work over the Bay Bridge, Ocean Breathes Salty came up on iTunes. I felt a powerful ache in my heart, for S. who wasn't here to see how beautiful it is. And my love for this place and longing for him tangled up and squeezed like creeping vines around my heart.

I just talked to him tonight. He is lost, does not know where he is supposed to go. I keep telling myself I cannot heal him, I cannot guide him. I can only be here, feeling what I feel, moving forward despite my feelings for him. I answered personal ads on Sunday night. It all seems weird. But this is what my life is like now. Moving forward in the strangeness. I have not yet settled, nor do I want to. I want to remain open, see where life takes me.

here is the song:

Ocean Breathes Salty (mp3)

Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

I could have written this song last year

Monopoly
by Shawn Colvin

I don't know what else to do
I would rather do anything
Than write this song for you
And perpetuate this thing
In my head, in my living room
With the usual arsenal
Of broken chords and rusty strings
To surrender all


And I don't like to be so weak
Retreating behind these lines
The same old tongue-in-cheek
Regretting that both are mine
And I don't like to live this way
This is really true
But I know better than to pray now
About what I just have to learn to do
But imagine the nerve of God
Letting me let you in
And I thought I could let you go in grace
I've gotta think again


Because right now I would be bought
and sold
To see your face somewhere
I would sell your sweet soul
Just to touch your crazy black gold hair
I don't care what's really real
I was someone that you'd heard of
I saw heaven in your eyes
And we made a deal
And that's what I know of love


Music, it never goes
But I told you I hate that shit
When people say"well you know
You got a song out of it"
But I don't know what else to do
I would rather be anywhere
Than here without you

Ringing in the New

I am on my own tonight, of my own design. Wrapping up a couple loose ends, but mostly just being in my house. Stepping into and filling this present moment. I am here, alone, in a place I love. Surrounded by art and music, and the trappings of modest success. The christmas tree is gone, the living room back to normal, relatively clean. It is warm in my house, and my little bird sits fat and plump on his perch.

The house is quiet now, I've just been recording. That in itself is a huge thing for me, although right now I feel drained by my efforts. I still have faith, though. The energy and inspiration will come, I know it.

I am going to take a bath, wash myself clean of all I have suffered in 2007, the hardest and longest year of my life. Then I'll light some candles, say a prayer for the coming year. May I be happy, may I be at peace. May I be healthy, may I be at ease. May I see all the love I have in my life, and open to even more love. May I delight in my family, and find joy with my friends. May I stay grounded in the present, and look forward to the future.

Tomorrow morning, I will rise before dawn, and drive to the ocean. I will greet the new day and the new year in my favorite place. I might bring my fire poi, or just my practice poi, but if its not too cold, I will dance on the sand.

I have been waiting for this day for a long time. The turning of the year. 2008.

Trying and Failing to Motivate

I've been sick for about two weeks. By now, I'm just marginally sick, phlegmy. Singing has been out of the question. Hopefully after a quiet night tonight, I'll wake up fresh and able to lay down a vocal track.

I hate not being able to come out and say what is bugging me. That sucks. But this blog is public...

I guess I'm just feeling blah right now. Trying to motivate to move on with my life. Mostly I feel like I AM moving forward, but there are times when I feel stuck. I was going to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but I'm afraid its just going to make me feel blue. Sigh.

Met this guy last night at my best friend's wedding. Totally my type, physically. Smart guy, musician, recording engineer/composer. There was some connection there, but he is definitely not in the same space as I am, life-wise. He seems a bit of a Peter Pan. Sigh. What is it with the men I have been meeting?

And why am I so impatient all of a sudden?

Ugh.

I'm sick, its cold in my house (50 degrees, heating is out), and I'm sad. I want to go somewhere warm, change my scenery, but I have to wait for the heating guy. Listening to Sun Kil Moon, seems appropos, mood-wise.

i miss you.. like people screaming at a wet tshirt contest

I do. Its all so surreal.

mix CDs and neurochemistry

Ahhh yes. You know, I never made a mix tape, back in the day. I've always been a late bloomer, I guess. But here it is the '00s and I'm making mix CDs. I like to think I'm fairly good at it too, to someone who knows how to listen. I do know the power of music and I'm not afraid to use it!

Anyway, making a mix CD is indeed an art. I usually start with a goal: a feeling I want to evoke, a statement I want to express, or just a theme I want to share. Most of the times I will have at least one or two songs in mind when I begin. Then I go through my iTunes collection and start dumping everything into a bucket playlist. Once I have enough ideas, I go through the playlist, think more carefully about lyrics of each, weed out ones that don't fit. When I have roughly 15-20 songs, I start listening. My first pass is to listen to transitions (end of one song, beginning of another song) to get a first draft of the order. I also use the lyrics to shape the "story" I'm trying to tell.

A good mix CD might take just hours (if I have hours to devote) or it might take days. I generally try to listen to the whole thing in the car, that's the best. The logical brain has something to do (drive) and you are free to focus on the feelings, the journey.

Oh yeah, and when I really go all out (and when I don't get impatient) I design tray inserts :) Which is what I'm doing now. I did a little photo shoot for this particular CD, out near the Sutro baths. The sunset was incredible, the light was magical. I am SO GLAD I live here! 45 minutes and I'm at the ocean. If only I were closer (but I musn't be greedy ;)

Speaking of the power of the mix tape and music in general...

I just bought this book at the Lawrence Hall of Science gift store called "This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession". I took Skyler there (with my sister and nephew) on Saturday to see their "Wild Music" (initially I typed Wilde - ha!) exhibit. I enjoyed the exhibit overall. My favorite part was a jam room with intruments to play. Too bad the boys didn't want to stay there! I think the they were feeding off each other's kinetic energy. We bounced around from sstation to station like pinballs.

Anyway, the book. I'm such a geek, I see something like this and I immediately snatch it up. I'm so excited to find out what it is in our brains that is so susceptible to manipulation through music. Fascinating!

Its All the Same

Song seems poignant and relevant... again.. damnit.


All the Same
Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Pink Hair Blue Eyes, Stormy Skies

Expectations lead to suffering. This I know to be true. Ask me how much knowing this helps.

I am aware of the beauty of this moment
How perfectly the gray clouds tuck me in
Like cool soft blankets as I sink into this mood,
Settle into the gentle melancholy
That promises, in a whisper, to lift in a while
Its only temporary, this liquid state of mind.

I also thought of an idea for a song on BART "Just a Girl".
Need to sit and write.

Destiny

On a clear day
I’ll fly home to you
I’m bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you

When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

I don't even know who I'm singing for anymore...

my therapist

I saw her last night, it was so funny. About midway through the session (I hadn't seen her for a month, went in for a "checkup") she laughed and said "well, what do you need me for?" I said "I don't know!" :) Things have been going so well lately. I mean, life is life and there are upsets, but I'm navigating the bumps in the road with more ease than ever in my life. Its wonderful.

When I got there, she told me that her album was in final mixing. This morning I saw her craigslist ad looking for band members, so I went to check out her myspace page:

http://myspace.com/kathleendunbarmusic

Very nice stuff! I'm going to get her album when its done.

She has been such a gift and a guide to me. Its so great to see this creative side of her.

meet Joey

First picture of my new guy. I just picked him up today. He is a little freaked out right now, but give him a week or so and I'm sure we'll be getting along just fine.

My mother used to have parakeets when she was a kid, and we had a couple when I was a kid. She taught them to talk and do tricks. So I asked her for some advice before I decided to go for it.

Its nice having a little being around, especially since Skyler is only here part time. When Skyler is gone, I felt like the house was empty, and usually stayed out of it. Now I have some company. Yay!

Shadows and Memories

I listened to Sun Kil Moon on the way home from B&C's, my son in the backseat. I wanted something I could listen to that would wind down the mood. I put on Duk Koo Kim, because it was long enough to last the drive. As ever, I am gently surprised by the lyrics. I forget what they touch:

oh, come to me once more, my love
show me the love I've never known

Searching for SKM on myspace, I find a profile which has another song I love: Carry Me Ohio. And I'm drawn in again to the bittersweet lyrics, the melancholy sounds:

sorry that
i could never love you back
i could never care enough
in these last days

I'm having trouble connecting there. The words, they want to go in, but it is as if I am watching a movie about my emotions. Feelings up on the silver screen, projected ten feet tall, unrealistic. I search through half remembered dreams and hopes. Shadow loves and memories of great and undying passion.

all the lovers i've burned through
so why do i still burn for you

But I don't. I try to reach out to that self, that woman who burned, that soul that threatened to drown in a tidal wave of tears, to connect to that place inside. Its as if I am reaching, my fingertips dip into a running stream, nothing to hold onto, nothing to grasp.

Perhaps it is best. In this liminal space, far from the grasping and longing, far from the ebb and flow of the sea, I am safe.

I am content.

Shiny

Operating at an even keel. Not sure what the future holds, and for once, not too worried about it. S may come out here, he may not. I send messages to random boys, sometimes getting a response, sometimes not. Mostly I'm fine where I am at. I've been working a ton, full time and freelance on the side. Trying to get the album done. Going to get the paperwork done and filed.

There is a fog in the basin below my house. The trees are particularly ghostly today, standing tall like silent spectors in the mist. The air smells of dew and wet leaves. God, I love it here. The only thing that would make it more perfect is if I were close to the ocean. But for now, this is good. More than good, it is what I need.

The universe is conspiring to give me exactly the life I want. I have faith that it is here already.

Listening to iTunes on shuffle again. Came up with the Decemberists. Very nice tune, slightly upbeat, but darker lyrics.

Shiny
by the Decemberists
(mp3)

by the bumper cars, in the pretty twining light,
i may have gone too far,
i may have gone too much, too long.
i'm a dull and witless boy.
in the after bars, think i was sullied by a dream.
in the killing jar,
you and me at war at arms
all falling in embrace.

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes all shiny

a tawny gypsy girl
sleeping blanketed by stars
beneath the tilt-a-whirl
where we were coyly caught alone
all fumbling with your blouse

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes all shiny

and in the rollercoaster din
by the parachutes in saddle shoes you break your shin
but i have never seen two eyes so shiny
and the sullen beery swine
try to tangle you in sullen beery balls of twine
have they ever seen two eyes so shiny?

the boys in denim vests
smoking cigarettes between their bootblack fingertips
sweetly tipsy by the half-light
the light and the half-light

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes so shiny

what does it all mean?

I remember that scene in "High Fidelity" (a movie I really liked) where Catherine Zeta-Jones says "I KNEW it, you ARE having one of those 'what-does-it-all-mean' moments". Yeah I'm kinda having one of those moments now. Getting an email from S, feeling that connection, still open, I wonder what it all means.

It means nothing. It means whatever I want it to. It means whatever I need it to.

It means nothing :)

I remember how it started

I was thinking about my relationship to music and how it has shifted through the years. I sang a lot as a kid, like most kids did. I also was exceptionally gifted in drawing. My mother will tell you stories of me drawing all over EVERYTHING.

When I was eight years old, my family moved and thus began a very dark period in my life (for which I have recently completed two years of therapy). In that time, I closed inward, but my creative expression flourished in visual arts. I stopped talking and singing, but took refuge in my imagination and solace in the drawings I did.

In middle school, I ended up in choir, which is a shock to me, given how much I wanted to fade into the background and never be noticed. I guess part of me DID want to get noticed. When I got to high school, I didn't like the band/choral teacher, so I ditched music and took an art class. I wasn't particularly exceptional in that, except that I could reproduce almost anything with pretty good accuracy.

In college (I went away my first two years to Long Beach State) I took private voice lessons from a classical singer who had toured Europe. I told her I couldn't afford lessons, so she told me to bring her a salad (she had classes all day with no break) and that would be fine. She saw in me something exceptional, had me sing for the head of the Music department. I was terrified. His only comment was that I needed to be more expressive. My teacher gave me the single best piece of advice: your voice will change when you hit 30. You have all the time in the world to sing.

I tried to pursue music in college, then art, and my parents said no. I couldn't afford it on my own, so I ended up getting my degree in Computer Science. Although I did take several theater classes, and ended up doing several shows around the Bay Area.

Looking back now, its clear now that the creative force that moves through me would not take no for an answer. It still wont!

I think about music I listened to, throughout the years, and in the beginning most of it was popular, whether with the general populous or with my crowd. Two albums changed my relationship to music profoundly: Spirit Chaser (Dead Can Dance) and Passion (Peter Gabriel: music for The Last Tempation of Christ). In that music, I found a communion of soul, a connection to something beyond this world. I didn't realize it then, but I found meditation and spirituality. I will always remember this line "We make a road for the spirit to pass over" and see how it applied to an individual life, then to the creation of life (in my son) and then in the creation of music.

I started dating Darcy in 1995, and a little over a year into that, began another dark period in my life. Turning inward again. A trip to Burning Man brought me out of my shell creatively, and drove me to pursue more creative path in my work, leading me to the Internet, and to design.

Then about 7 years or so ago, I read the Artist's Way. About unblocking your creativity. When I picked it up, I assumed that I would get back into visual arts. I had never considered music. Then it hit me, and with outside encouragement, I was writing songs, lyrics called up from the very depths I had been trying to cover up.

Music has meant so many things to me over the years: solace, inspiration, movement, laughter, sadness, anger, relief, communion, escape, communication. I cannot imagine anything else having so varied an impact.

Bahhhston

I'm sitting in a Starbuck's, waiting for Sean to arrive. He's late. Usually, I HATE when people are late. My time is pretty scheduled, so I don't have a lot of leeway. I try to be flexible, but I like for people to respect my time. In this case, however, Sean's tardiness is actually a blessing in disguise. I logged in and responded to a couple of work messages that needed my attention today. I also got a draft of the burning man holiday card out while I was waiting. So productive!! So timely! So fortunate! :)

Reminds me that when things don't got my way, to look for the silver lining. Not that I need much of a nudge in that direction, as I tend to be a glass-half-full kinda gal ;)

New England in the fall is beautiful. I'll write more later about my tripping around Cape Cod today.

Chi-ca-go

Totally frivolous, working on my laptop in O'Hare airport. I already sent off the work I did on the plane. Now I'm just passing time. Should be another 15 minutes until we start boarding again for my flight to Boston. Wheeeeee!

Good mix on the iPod yesterday:

aretha franklin - (sweet sweet baby) since youve been gone
dixie chicks - so hard
dixie chicks - lullaby
toni braxton - youre making me high
hush hush - fake
hem - half acre
everything but the girl - five fathoms
rosanne cash - the world unseen
grizzly bear - lullabye
jellyfish - russian hill
k d lang - so shall it be
sun kil moon - exit does not exist
radiohead - gotosleep
david sylvian - I surrender
peter gabriel - slow marimbas


and this morning was nice too, starting with my 4am pickup by super shuttle at my house, through my landing in O'Hare (with some pauses in between):

jeff beck, f. imogene heap - rolling and tumbling
tears for fears - shout
m. ward - eyes on the prize
peter gabriel - no self control
peter gabriel - here comes the flood
suzanne vega - no cheap thrill
peter gabriel - steam (live)
baba maal - call to prayer (passion sources)
sun kil moon - truckers atlas
lucious jackson - satellite
afro celt soundsystem - life begin again
tears for fears - head over heels
peter gabriel - zaar
rosie thomas - i run
tori amos - carbon
thompson twins - doctor doctor
suzanne vega - soap and water (ahhhh)
tori amos - mother revolution
zero7 - over our heads
golden palominos - breakdown
kansas - play the game tonight
kathleen edwards - good things
zero7 - give it away
suzanne vega - wooden horse
the animators - good day
eastmountainsouth - Show me the River
peter gabriel - mercy street

going to Boston!

Ahhh I'm so excited! Tomorrow I'm getting picked up at the ungodly hour of 4:25am to be whisked away to SFO. Spend all day flying, arrive in Boston, drive to Cape Cod, girls dinner out Saturday night with K. Sunday we spend time with her two girls in the country, then head back to Boston, where I am meeting S at the John Hancock Observatory. I know, I know, its strange that he and I are in Boston at the same time. He just moved to St Louis, but his sister is near Boston. It was too coincidental not to see each other :) What does it all mean? Hell, I don't know! I've given up on being able to read the fates. I just like to keep my options open ;)

ADDENDUM: I just started iTunes, random and came up with this song (hahahahah!)

Since You've Been Gone (Sweet Sweet Baby) by

Aretha Franklin

Baby baby, sweet baby
There's something that I just got to say
Baby baby, sweet baby
You left me hurtin' in a real cold way

Speak your name
And I'll feel a thrill
You said I do
And I said I will

I tell you that I'll stay true
and give you just a little time
Wait on me baby,
I want you to be all mine
I just get so blue

Since you've been gone, baby
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)

(bridge)

Baby baby, sweet baby
I didn't mean to run you away
It was pride on my lips,
But not in my heart
To say the things that made you stray
But ah, babe
Hear me now
(hear me)
I don't know what I'm gonna do
(hear me)
Got to get you back somehow
(hear me now)
Oooh, take me back,
consider me please
If you walk in that door,
I can get up off my knees
I just been so blue

Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Well I've been so lonely
(sweet sweet - sweet sweet baby)
Baby, since you've been gone
(sweet sweet - sweet sweet baby)
I've been so lonely
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Since you've been gone
(why'd you do it? why'd you have to do it?)
Baby baby baby been so lonely
(sweet sweet - sweet sweet baby)

really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree

Yeaaaaaaaaah I'm having a glass of sake and listening to Steve Miller band. CAUGHT RED HANDED. Ahh yess.. and I'm actually doing work too. Looooooooooooser!!!

As you can tell, I'm not taking myself too seriously right now. Hey! This is the perfect time to answer some personal ads.

NOOOOOOOOO DONT DO IT!!!!

ok ok.. maybe I'll just try to IM friends and finish work. Fuck it, I'm going to bed.

A New Chapter

I announced in therapy today that I wanted to transition from weekly meetings to once a month check-ins. It seemed abrupt at first, and yet, when I think of all the work I have done over the last 2.2 years, its not so abrupt after all. It feels right. It feels like I have turned a corner. I feel more beautiful and alive and more myself than I have in my entire life.

What an amazing time. "Oh, hello! THERE you are" :)

Family Day at Spirit Rock

Sunday I took my son to Spirit Rock for Family Day. I had no idea what to expect: what age ranges of kids would be there, how Skyler would like it, if I would like it. And I have to say it was a really lovely experience! The morning program involved ringing a bell and listening in silence, a story about the Buddha, some skits and talking about the theme, which was Wise Speech.

The tenets of Wise Speech:
1. truthful
2. kind
3. good timing
4. not gossiping

After lunch, kids broke into age groups to do music, stories and crafts, while parents did meditaition and had a dharma talk. Gil Fronsdal was one of the teachers, and, really, the reason I decided to go. I've listened to him talk at IMC in Redwood City once, and listened to numerous audio dharma. His voice has a calming effect on me. I actually sat next to his wife and sons on Sunday :) Nice folks.

The kids came in to close the day. Skyler had a blast and didn't want to sit with me. He took his cushion and sat right up front, in front of the teachers. When they announced that the next Family Day was on January 27, his hand shot up in the air and he announced to everyone (when called upon) that that was "my mommy's birthday". So funny!

We'll be going back on Jan 27. It was so very special to share my spirituality with Skyler in such a practical, yet fun way.

another good mix

Good mix in the morning, poignant, sweet:

Everyone's Gotta Learn Sometime by Beck
Those Whole Girls by Suzanne Vega
Bliss by Tori Amos
Morning Song by Zero7
Use Me by Bill Withers (live at Carnegie Hall)
Sacred Stones by Sheila Chandra
Summerlong by Kathleen Edwards

Finally starting to feel better. I've been sick for a while. Need to get back on track. Settling in. That is all.