movie: conversations with other women

Feeling a bit melancholy, I searched my Netfliz watch instantly queue for something appropriate. This movie was scarily more appropriate than I could have planned. Its about two people who are reunited at a wedding. The whole night is a conversation on what was, what is, and what could be. My heart ached for him, for his longing and his romanticism. But the cynical part of me sided with her pragmatism. She says "there are no happy endings in our story" and part of me agrees.

I won't give away the ending...
Conversations With Other Women on IMDB



I had a dream about D last night. That we were getting reacquainted, as friends. I started questioning whether we should get back together, and then he died. He died and left a huge hole in my heart. I wept in my dream, and when I awoke, I was surprised my cheeks were dry.

tired. and a little down.

surprises me that even after almost two years of separation, I still get sad about this. the whole divorce thing. i guess that's a good sign, right? if he were being an asshole, it would make it easier in one respect... but not really.

i should be working, but i think i might just call it an early night.

music: tear in your hand

This song still moves me when I hear it. So many break ups have taken me to this place. Once again, the whole world is dangling...

Tear in Your Hand
by Tori Amos

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together any more
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king

Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause
Me and charles manson like the same ice cream
I think its that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up
Every time I touch you

Maybe its time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
And your baby baby baby babies
I tell you there's pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

RIP: Lana Scatena

My dear friend Gina's mother Lana passed away last night, from lung cancer. Her family was around her when she drew her last breath.

Today Russ (Gina's husband) asked me if I would sing at her funeral. I am very honored to do so. He asked me to sing Wishing You were Somehow Here Again (from the Phantom of the Opera) and as soon as I heard it, I understood.

Of course, when Sarah Brightman sings it, she sings in high soprano. But I found a site that has digital sheet music you can transpose online and buy. I've already gone through the song a few times and its singable. I'm nervous, but its the least I can do for my very dear friends and their family.

Wishing You were Somehow Here Again
by Andrew Lloyd Weber

You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .

Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .

Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .

Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .

No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say
goodbye.

a difficult morning

Excruciating conversation this morning with Sky's dad. Obviously there is still a lot of unresolved anger on both sides. I spent the last four hours crying, raging. Talked with friends who have been through it, and got some good perspective, but just SAD and ANGRY.

Managed to compose a neutral email to D to clarify, acknowledge the anger on both sides, and suggest possibly returning to therapy. He replied within the hour (amazing!) with his own email saying basically the same thing.

This is all so hard.

dream: the world is on fire

Last night's dream:

I went to the parking lot to get my car, and D had it painted purple. I argued with the attendant, asking him how he could have let this happen as it is MY car.

I pulled out of the lot, looked out and saw block after block of office buildings and skyscrapers (i was downtown). and I saw all these buildings on fire. I looked closer, and saw the flames engulf a block of buildings. it was coming my way.

I backed up to pull out the other way, to try to outrun the flames. I looked across and saw the fire race past me. then the flames engulfed me, and i thought "so this is how it feels to die". I did not feel any pain.

This morning I made an appointment for D and I to meet with a paralegal to start our divorce.

Life Carries On

Struggling today. Not sure why. But there is a moment in this song that helps:

I Grieve
by Peter Gabriel

t was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Theres nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Its just the way that you would tied in
Now theres no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I cant handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing whats gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone thats out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Its just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve

Moving day

Earlier, I came in touch with my own divinity. I saw all time and space come into one point of focus, like when you are seeing double and it suddenly resolves. All points in time and space, together. And in that way of seeing, how could i be sad for the fact that he was bitter and angry at me, might never call me his friend again? How could I be sad that I had closed the door on one of my great loves, and set myself adrift outside of partnership? How could I regret that he was moving away when all our potential was unrealized? I couldn't, because every moment is now.

I felt alive in a way I could not describe. And yet I felt as though I were greeting my long-lost self. "oh hello.. there you are." Left feeling positively fantastic. All these endings have cleared the way for my beginning.

I can still conjure that feeling now. But its not quite as triumphant as it was earlier today.

S came and moved his stuff out of my house. "I'm embarrassed at how much I had at your place. You must have thought I was crazy!" No, my dear. I thought you were troubled and grasping, unsure of your path, but not crazy.

He promises to leave me a microphone when he comes back for his motorcycle. He has given me a pair of speakers, a mic stand, a battery backup for my computer, moving blankets for sound proofing, and a wire rack that used to hold his 32-track recorder. He promises to mix down the tracks we did together. He apologizes for not being creatively present when we were working on music.

Its been a trying year for him. Hell, its been a trying year for me too. He says "I guess I was just hoping something would magically happen" gesturing towards the stuff in his car, and my house. I nod. "For what it's worth, I did too," I tell him.

At the end, we are standing at the top of my stairs, near his packed car. He holds me, and says he is sorry. He thanks me for bringing light into his life when things were so very dark. I do not say much; I am suprised to feel the tears sparkling in my eyes. I hold him, my hands stroking his back and neck. "Its ok," I say, "I understand." A surprisingly sweet goodbye. I had not expected to feel this surge of emotion.

He promises to take me to dinner when he returns in a couple weeks to check on his business. I don't actually know if I will see him again.

I do know it is all for the best. I can feel it. When I tap into that place of all time and space existing simultaneously, I can feel my sadness drop away, feel is shifting into something different... into gratitude and love.

Sad to see you go

Even though it didn't work out between us, I am sad to see you go. Even though this is obviously the best thing for your health and well-being, I still wish you could stay.

I will always remember how you held me that day in the swimming pool. How I felt utterly relaxed and at ease, safe in your arms.

You made making music fun for me again. I was so happy, building the studio with you. You made me smile and laugh. And yet your darkness mirrored my own at times. There were many times I felt we were two hurt children huddling together for warmth.

I knew it couldn't last. Too transitional. But I wish you all the best, I really do.

Another goodbye. I feel like an anxious toddler who fell down, looking at mom to see if I should cry or not. Is now the time to cry? I am more upset than I thought I would be, but not enough to get too worked up.

Acceptance, I guess.

So much loss

Anger, anguish, sadness, emptiness, indifference, sadness, anger... this cycle has dominated my life the last year. It feels like I have lost so much in this past twelve months.

After all this time, I can finally listen to the Wailing' Jennys again. In This Heart of Mine comes on. I put it on repeat, sing it like a mantra. Loss, loss, loss. Breaking attachments and starting anew again and again.

I know I'm forging a new life, and when I look forward on the path, it looks light and bright. But when I look over my shoulder, all I see are shades of black and gray.

I sing the song again, and realize I that while I still think of him when I sing it, I am more struck with the cumulative loss than I am with any single one.

Bittersweet indeed.

In This Heart of Mine
by the Wailin Jennys

If all is fair in love and war
I haven't seen the score
But it can't be either of those

And all this time, thought I was in control
But fate she held her own
Even when I thought I chose

Now the coldest day of winter
Has made a home of my heart
It burns a cold right through me
Tearing me apart

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

A thousand memories
Of when and where
Four walls and a rocking chair
Our story sticking to my skin

A dusty wind
Blows through this broken frame
Echoes of your name
Shadows fall and night pours in

Now the coldest day of winter
Has made a home of a heart
Says it plans to stay forever
Just like you did at the start

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

Now the coldest day of winter
Is here and here to stay
And it burns a cold right through me
'Round the heart you threw away

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

Left Me Here

Poignant song by one of my favorite bands, Hem:

Leave Me Here

I should wake up this town—my heart’s on fire.
Main road and no one’s around as the flames climb higher.
I have been here before and I know the way,
but love seemed sweeter and sure in the light of day, in the light of day.

So as I rise, I will reach for the livin’ ..I’ll say no prayer
As tonight he brought me to heaven and left me here.

I could tell by his face—those two tired eyes—it’s been a long night searching for grace, and the sun won’t rise.
Now I have been here before, though I know I am lost.
‘Cause the same place that filled me with joy is a road I crossed, just a road I crossed.

... So as I rise, I will reach for the livin’... I’ll say no prayer.. cuz tonight love feels nothing like heaven, to leave me here.

A moment of bitterness

These lyrics say it all:


Lacrymosa
by Evanescence

Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?

(lacrimosa) Blame it on me
(dies illa) set your guilt free
(Lacrimosa) nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
grieving the things I can't repair and willing...

(Lacrimosa) To let you blame it on me
(dies illa) and set your guilt free
(Lacrimosa) I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

(Lacrimosa) And you can blame it on me
(dies illa) just set your guilt free, honey
(Lacrimosa) I don't want to hold you back now love

Just notice.

Notice the impulse to create. Notice the desire to hold onto it and act on that impulse. Notice the fear that if you do not act, you will never have another idea as good as that one. Notice the fatigue when you consider sitting down to create. Notice how the fatigue fades when you tell yourself you still have time to create later. Notice the fear that this is actually a lie.

Notice the impulse to reach out, to make contact. Notice the fear that in doing so, you are making a mistake. Notice the internal dialog that follows the impulse. Notice how the dialog changes when you write the email, add more personal bits, erase the personal bits. Notice the holding back, the feeling of withdrawl. Notice the uncertainty in that what you are doing is right. Notice how you doubt you know what is right. Notice the small voice trying to reassert that yes, you do know what is the right course. That you are on that course.

Just notice. Notice them all arise and fall.

Do nothing.

Hear a song on the iPod, coming up at random. Notice the wave of emotion. Notice how numb you have been the last hour.

Write this blog entry.


"Genius (Never Came Through)"
by Duncan Sheik

Clearly I'm a genius
If she only knew it
but somewhere in her radius
I really blew it
I know, I know what I said to her
and I know what I did
What I don't know is how I could ever be
so incredibly stupid

[CHORUS:]

(you don't really need to know every last detail.
Its hardly worth telling
suffice to say I said that I would be there
i never came through)

Maybe I'm a genius and
she just don't see it
I fronted,
I should have admitted,
she saw right through it
I never thought that I could be
so underhanded.
somehow I've cornered the market on
the double standard

[CHORUS]

For this act of genius
and so many others
I know I should apologize
and see how it goes

what am I waiting for?
come on, come on, come on, come on

sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la

to all of the geniuses..

Why Should I Cry For You?

iPod Shuffle has done it again. Brought me to a state of sadness in the middle of work. Why should I cry for you? Did you ever cry for me? Could you ever love me like I deserved?

Why Should I Cry For You
by Sting

Under the dog-star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North-north-west, the stones of Faroe

Under the Arctic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?

All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless fog
For all my days remaining

What would be true?
Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?

I Still Think About You

Even though I shouldn't. Even though its over. Even though I'm moving on and you've moved on already.

Tangible memories are fading, mostly through force of will. I have pushed away the sparkling ones I used to hold dear. They are much too painful, and I cannot live my life in the past. If I do, it will only delay the future, when I will meet a man who will love me completely, who I will love completely in return.

Don't judge me too harshly for pushing you away. In this moment, I still care about you.

Its Been Awhile

by Staind (mp3)

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile since I can say I love myself as well and
And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry

Standing still

I want to run and hide. I want to smoke and drink. I want to cry, I want to scream.

And instead I am here. Standing still.

Breathe... breathe...

I want to go to my usual escapes. Men who flirt with me and alcohol to soothe me.

And instead I am here. Standing still.

Trying to breathe...

When does it get better?

I shouldn't be listening to this music. But then again, I should. I need to grieve. It just sucks, is all.

Vertical Horizon: Best I Ever Had

Lyrics:
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

Settling in

Ahhhhh a new situation, a new start. Settling in now, testing out the solitude. Some days are easier than others. Some days I'm haunted by the silence. Where are the happy sounds I used to hear? Other times I relish the silence. Breathe deeply in this space that is mine.

But today was one of the former, not the latter. And with that, I give you Ben Harper, Another Lonely Day (mp3). I know it comes and goes, and that in the end, it will all be ok. Just let me have my moments, alright?