My dear boy's birthday

Meant to post this 10/10 (on the actual day):

skyler came into bed with me around 6:30am, which is strange because that's the time labor started on his birthday. Six years ago I was grumpily telling Darcy to turn off the alarm at 7:45am, which is when Sky and I woke up. I sang him happy birthday in bed.

He started saying something about butts and laughing. I shook him and mock-demanded: "Why do you like butts so much?!" which made him laugh more. He said "Its a secret!"

"You don't keep secrets from your mother, tell me!"
"I like butts because they make farts"
"Well that's not a secret"
...

"I have another secret about me and Tibee"
"What is it? TELL ME!!"
"We like to smack each other on the butt"

"So youre saying all your secrets are about butts?"
"Yeah"

we got up and had french toast, the jumped back in bed to snuggle, got up to get ready, drove to pick up my taxes in lafayette, dropped by D's gym so that sky could say happy birthday, gave him a card and present for HIS birthday,

We then took BART and muni train to GG park, had lunch, went to the CA Academy of Sciences,
didnt realize it closed at 5pm. we got there at 3pm... but we did manage to see the planetarium show, which was way cool!

afterwards we went to a japanese restaurant that has the little room where you sit on the floor without shoes, had yummy food. they gave us green tea ice cream with a candle and sang happy birthday

Tired, we trekked across SF, came back home, had bathtime and watched a movie.

All in all a pretty magical day!

central reservation

Saw the movie "Duchess" tonight with my wonderful sister-in-law. Afterwards we had a couple glasses of wine, it was nice to be out, sociable.

On my way home I was listening to "Central Reservation" by Beth Orton, and it got me thinking. Its been a really rough couple of years. I've had two relationships since I separated from D and I'm finally at a place where I am making my own life, instead of waiting for someone else with whom to make a life. Bittersweet, really.

And as I stood on my deck tonight, looking over the lights of the houses in Montclair and the bay, I wonder... do you still think of me, in the small hours when you are alone?

Central Reservation
by Beth Orton
mp3

Running down the central reservation
In last night's red dress
And I can still smell you on my fingers
And taste you on my breath

Stepping through brilliant shades
Of the color you bring
This time, this time, this time
Is whatever I want it to mean

If this is where memories are made, well
Gonna like what I see
And everything I ever took for granted
I'm gonna let it be
I step through every shade
Of the color you bring
But this time, this time, this time
Is whatever I want it to mean

And everything and nothing is
As sacred as we want it to be
When it's real. Make it real
Compared to what?

It's like living in the middle of the ocean
With no future, no past
And everything that's good about now
Might just glide right past
I'm stepping through brilliant shades
All the color you bring
This time, ths time, this time
Is fine just as it is

And everything is sacred here
And nothing is as sacred as I want it to be
When it's real
Compared to what?

movie: conversations with other women

Feeling a bit melancholy, I searched my Netfliz watch instantly queue for something appropriate. This movie was scarily more appropriate than I could have planned. Its about two people who are reunited at a wedding. The whole night is a conversation on what was, what is, and what could be. My heart ached for him, for his longing and his romanticism. But the cynical part of me sided with her pragmatism. She says "there are no happy endings in our story" and part of me agrees.

I won't give away the ending...
Conversations With Other Women on IMDB



I had a dream about D last night. That we were getting reacquainted, as friends. I started questioning whether we should get back together, and then he died. He died and left a huge hole in my heart. I wept in my dream, and when I awoke, I was surprised my cheeks were dry.

Random notes from the front lines of dating

I have a profile on nerve personals. I haven't paid it too much attention, because I'm trying to focus on getting through the divorce process. I never know when the universe will nudge someone my way, so I keep it up there for when I'm ready again.

A little while ago, I received a message from a man, which begins:

"You are very different from me, but I utterly love you. Not in that puppy-dog crush sense, but because you are totally cute and very hip....There also seems to be a liminal tinge of sorrow in your life. So brilliant, and yet, even the most intelligent of us can stumble...I sense a far deeper, more complex story is there than can fit into an online profile."

Okay WHOAH. My first reaction is "too much too soon!!", my second was one of "that's spooky". He definitely has a very eloquent way about him, and had some eerie insights. I went to his profile page, and its just not what I am looking for. Sir, do you perhaps have a slightly younger, musical brother? Ahhh I need to write him back to thank him.

"a liminal tinge of sorrow"... I might have to use that in a song ;)

oh and I aaaaalllmost was swayed by this line in his profile:

A naked woman is sexy. A woman's orgasm is sexier.

Ummm yeah. Its been waaaaaaay too long for me in the intimacy department.

movies: tropic thunder

Saw Tropic Thunder today while my dear son played with his cousin. I have to say, I'm not a big Ben Stiller comedy fan. In fact, the first 15 minutes or so I was wondering if I should walk out. But I stuck through, and actually enjoyed the film (although there will still plenty of wincing moments).

The best part (for me) was Tom Cruise playing a balding, fat, hairy, meglomaniac Hollywood bigwig. Man, I could NOT stop laughing, he was awesome!! He is the whole reason I am glad I saw Tropic Thunder.

Weird site note: the guy who plays the sycophantic assistant to Tom Cruise's character looks SCARILY like my ex-boyfriend, who's life imploded before he left the Bay Area. Check it out:





Maybe its just an Irish thing. I don't know. Anyway, I couldn't stop staring at him everytime he was on screen. It was odd. Still trying to shake it.

my bodhisattva vow

On Saturday, I went to an all-day meditation retreat whose theme was the Bodhisattva Vow. The Bodhisattva is a Buddhist figure, a being whose mission in life (and across all their lifetimes) is the enlightenment of all beings.

As lofty as this sounds, we can take on the aspiration to be an ordinary bodhisattva. For me, that means lifting my spiritual practice from one of purely self-realization to one that includes service to and awareness of others.

here is my bodhisattva vow:

May I always act with wisdom and love.
May I radiate joy to everyone around me.
May I bring clarity and compassion to all beings.

now, I may not acheive those all the time. BUT it gives me something to shoot for. one of the teachers told us her vow was to always see the beauty in others. She also read a poem about a convenience store clerk whose smile transformed her experience of life, in the wake of her father's death. That man was an ordinary bodhisattva.

it is a turning point in my spirituality. it was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

I had a dream about you last night

We were giggling together, like children.
I turned away to catch my breath.
You came up behind me (I could feel you smiling)
and whispered in my ear a question
to which I replied a single word:

"music"

We both became hushed.

road trips

I recently answered a personals ad, got a reply and sent this as part of my response:

"I have about a billion questions to ask, but I'll keep it to one (or two) for now and give you my answers:

1. What was your most memorable/best roadtrip?

Mine: i went on a road trip with a man i was seeing down to big sur. we drove along the coast, listening to mix CDs we had made for each other. we parked at a state park, hiked to a waterfall that spilled into the ocean. we stood there and made out just as the sun was setting in a beautiful orange blaze. as i write this i chuckle, because it seems so over the top. but it really happened!"

2.57 miles

That's the distance between self assuredness and doubt. Between the time when I felt secure in my singlehood and when I felt a lurch in my mind.

Why did he have to have so many ties to my past? Is that what I have been feeling?

And what am I going to do now, steal him from someone else?

Damn it.

All you need is love

My son and I had a last minute argument trying to get out the door for school. We can both be stubborn at times! So I put on the Beatles as a peace offering and asked him which song he wanted. He chose "When I'm Sixty Four" (one of his current favorites). Then as we came down the hill, I put on "All You Need Is Love". We were a little late for school, but sat in the car for the end of the song. As the notes faded, I said "I love you" and he nodded sagely and said "Love is all you need."

Say Goodnight and Go

The other day S texted me to say he was in town and I told him I hope he has a good week. Its strange for me, to be drawing hard lines. To break the ties that bind. But I think its a step in the right direction, honoring myself and my intentions and not settling for second place.

I'm sorry, I told you I loved you and you think we can be just friends now? I don't think so.

I used to feel guilty about that. Now I don't. My mother told me on Sunday that my dad tried to pull that on her the month before they were married. He wanted to call it off and just be friends. She said no, and went to a bar to get drown her sorrows. He came and found her and took it all back.


Say Goodnight and Go
by Imogen Heap (mp3)

Say goodnight and go.

Skipping beats,
Blushing cheeks.
I am... struggling..
Daydreaming,
Bed scenes in... the corner cafe
And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic... tremblings
You get me every time.

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you..
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Follow you home,
You've got your headphones on
And you're dancing
Got lucky;
Beautiful shot:
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains wide open
And you're following the same routine;
Flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone..

Oh, why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

One of these days,
You'll miss your train,
And come stay with me...
{It's always say goodnight and go}
We'll have drinks,
And talk about things and,
Any excuse to stay awake with you...
You'd sleep here,
I'd sleep there,
But then the heating may be down again,
At my convenience...
We'd be good,
We'd be great together...

Go (sigh)
{Instrumental pause}

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Why's it always always:
goodnight and go?
Oh, Darling not again,
Goodnight and... go...

Valentine's Day

Last year I listened to NPR because I couldn't stand to listen to music. Any music. I took myself to a cafe to work, because I was going crazy working from my house. Then on impulse I went to a music store in Oakland and rented a cello. It was a single act of love towards myself.

I remember bringing it home, taking the cello out of the case, lovingly stroking it with my fingers. I didn't even know how to play. I couldn't wait to start making music on it.

This year, I took Skyler to Fenton's so we could have an ice cream sundae (cookies and cream ice cream with strawberry topping and whipped cream) BEFORE dinner.

We had bought these weird valentines for his class: they were blank faces with eyes, noses, ears, mouths, and accessories as stickers with which you could decorate. We sat and made silly faces with the leftover faces until our sundae arrived.

We came home, had dinner, finished homework, bath time and bed. As I lay in bed next to him, I told him "You are my Valentine" and he grabbed my cheeks with both hands and said "BE MINE". My little lover boy, so affectionate.

What would I do without him? He is such a joy!

Once

Watching the movie "once" now, about a singer/songwriter guitarist/street musician who meets a girl who can sing and play piano. And they write some songs together, and then end up recording. Mostly its about his songs, but there is a moment... a break in recording, and she finds a dark room with a piano. And he finds her and asks her to play him one of her songs. She demures, but he insists. And she sings a heartbreaking song, chokes in the middle and cannot go on.

"Did you write that for your husband?" (from whom she is separated)
"Yeah I did. And he hated it"
"He's an idiot"
"Yeah", she says, half-heartedly chuckling, "he's an idiot"

And she lays her head down on his shoulder. That's when I stopped to write this post.

This movie reminds me of how wonderful it is to collaborate with someone who truly gets you. How intimate an experience music making can be, as intimate as love-making.

The Hill
by Markéta Irglová

Looking up the hill tonight
When you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning

Where are you now, angel now
Don't you see me crying
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say your not trying
I'm on my knees in front of him
But he doesn't seem to see me
But all his troubles on his mind is looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down deciding is falling you
And I wished that you could see I have my troubles too

Lookin' at you sleeping
I'm with a man I know
I'm sitting here weeping while the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the mornin' I have to let you go
And you'll be just a man once I leave to know
For these past few days someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault
When will you realize

Lookin' at you leavin'
I'm looking for a sign

past loves put to rest

Its a good thing I'm not this dramatic anymore! Nice to be more even keel these days.

Ghost
by the Indigo Girls

Theres a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippis mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess thats how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And theres not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Im in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
Id walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
Ive never been this close
Im in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh Im forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I cant swim free
The river is too deep
Though Im baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

Holding it in... letting it go...

Lately it seems to me that my life is a big exercise in non-attachment. Which is the way it is for everyone, I suppose, given that human beings are prone to attachment even though it creates so much suffering.

But back to me :) I don't like to get too general, it makes me feel detached. In the last couple months, I have been developing an attachment to a certain outcome in the arena of relationships. And I have read into recent events the possibility of the attainment of that outcome, and assume it would happen in a certain way.

This is bullshit. I'm being deliberately vague and that's not how I want to be.

I want you to come back, but I'm afraid to ask you. I want to be one of the reasons you come back, but not the only one. I don't know how long I am willing to stay in this limbo. Every time I see you, it gets harder to let you go.

Part of me hopes you will read this, and part of me hopes that I can gather the words and the courage to tell you.

I know that whatever happens is the right way. That everything happens for a reason. That my life is good, and my happiness does not depend on this outcome.

But damnit, I just want my heart to be RIGHT for once. And I know how petty and selfish that sounds.

Its All the Same

Song seems poignant and relevant... again.. damnit.


All the Same
Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

For B and C

This is too cute, reminding of their upcoming nuptials:

I Wanna Get Married
by Nellie McKay
(mp3)

I wanna get married
Yes, I need a spouse
I want a nice Leave it to Beaverish
Golden retriever and a little white house
I wanna get married
I need to cook meals
I wanna pack you cute little lunches
For my Brady bunches
Then read Danielle Steele
I wanna escape
This rat race I've created
I'm feelin' enervated
I don't care if I make it
I just want to bake a sugar cake for you
To take to work in the morn
And I'll stay home cleaning the dishes
And keeping your wishes all warm
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

I wanna partake in bake sales for the classroom
I wanna hear the sweet tune
Of Sally's little vroom-vroom
As she zooms around my broom
As I exhume the gloom
Of my shallow life
I wanna be simple and honest and dimpled
'cause I am your wife
I will never tarry
I'm not even torn
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

If I Were to Wake Up

There was a time, dear, where once you did love me. There was a time... you loved me no more. What a sweet song. One I love singing harmony to.

I just want to know: the way you lie sleeping, is it like before?

If I Were To Wake Up
by Lyle Lovett

If you were to wake up
And I were beside you
Would you gently smile dear
And whisper my name
And would you remember
The way that I held you
And would you want me
To hold you again

Time reaches to you
Just like a willow
That bends to the water
And clings to the shore
And there was a time dear
That once you did love me
And there was a time
You loved me no more

Rain on your window
Light on your pillow
The way you lie sleeping
Is it like before
For there was a time dear
That once you did love me
And there was a time
You loved me no more

Moving day

Earlier, I came in touch with my own divinity. I saw all time and space come into one point of focus, like when you are seeing double and it suddenly resolves. All points in time and space, together. And in that way of seeing, how could i be sad for the fact that he was bitter and angry at me, might never call me his friend again? How could I be sad that I had closed the door on one of my great loves, and set myself adrift outside of partnership? How could I regret that he was moving away when all our potential was unrealized? I couldn't, because every moment is now.

I felt alive in a way I could not describe. And yet I felt as though I were greeting my long-lost self. "oh hello.. there you are." Left feeling positively fantastic. All these endings have cleared the way for my beginning.

I can still conjure that feeling now. But its not quite as triumphant as it was earlier today.

S came and moved his stuff out of my house. "I'm embarrassed at how much I had at your place. You must have thought I was crazy!" No, my dear. I thought you were troubled and grasping, unsure of your path, but not crazy.

He promises to leave me a microphone when he comes back for his motorcycle. He has given me a pair of speakers, a mic stand, a battery backup for my computer, moving blankets for sound proofing, and a wire rack that used to hold his 32-track recorder. He promises to mix down the tracks we did together. He apologizes for not being creatively present when we were working on music.

Its been a trying year for him. Hell, its been a trying year for me too. He says "I guess I was just hoping something would magically happen" gesturing towards the stuff in his car, and my house. I nod. "For what it's worth, I did too," I tell him.

At the end, we are standing at the top of my stairs, near his packed car. He holds me, and says he is sorry. He thanks me for bringing light into his life when things were so very dark. I do not say much; I am suprised to feel the tears sparkling in my eyes. I hold him, my hands stroking his back and neck. "Its ok," I say, "I understand." A surprisingly sweet goodbye. I had not expected to feel this surge of emotion.

He promises to take me to dinner when he returns in a couple weeks to check on his business. I don't actually know if I will see him again.

I do know it is all for the best. I can feel it. When I tap into that place of all time and space existing simultaneously, I can feel my sadness drop away, feel is shifting into something different... into gratitude and love.

The End, in Eleven Songs

I have a final mix for D's mix CD in response to the one he sent me months ago. Meaty stuff in here. I wonder if he will listen to it all, and what he will think if he does. I will ask him to listen once, and after that he can throw it out.

Between by Vienna Teng ("and the third one between replaces what once was love ")
Washing of the Water by Peter Gabriel ("Letting go, it's so hard/The way it's hurting now/To get this love untied")
Farewell by Rosie Thomas ("I miss the way you danced with me")
It Ought to Be Easier by Lyle Lovett ("And it ought to be easier/To leave when you know that you have to go")
Soap and Water by Suzanne Vega ("scrub the salt from my stinging skin/slip me loose of this wedding band")
Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon ("But it's not so bad/You're just the best I ever had ")
Widow's Walk by Suzanne Vega ("Consider me a widow boys...It's not the man, but it's the marriage that was drowned")
Wedding Day by Rosie Thomas (lyrics and mp3 here)
Beautiful Dawn by The Wailin Jennys ("Show me how to love in the darkest dark")
Mark's Song by eastmountainsouth ("may you find your way in peace")

I like to think that this represents the whole experience for me of this. The cux, the letting go, the loss, the love, the bitterness, the necessary cruelty, the separation, the sadness, the healing, the hope for the future.

I hope he sees it the same way. I hope I can touch him the way he has touched me.

So much loss

Anger, anguish, sadness, emptiness, indifference, sadness, anger... this cycle has dominated my life the last year. It feels like I have lost so much in this past twelve months.

After all this time, I can finally listen to the Wailing' Jennys again. In This Heart of Mine comes on. I put it on repeat, sing it like a mantra. Loss, loss, loss. Breaking attachments and starting anew again and again.

I know I'm forging a new life, and when I look forward on the path, it looks light and bright. But when I look over my shoulder, all I see are shades of black and gray.

I sing the song again, and realize I that while I still think of him when I sing it, I am more struck with the cumulative loss than I am with any single one.

Bittersweet indeed.

In This Heart of Mine
by the Wailin Jennys

If all is fair in love and war
I haven't seen the score
But it can't be either of those

And all this time, thought I was in control
But fate she held her own
Even when I thought I chose

Now the coldest day of winter
Has made a home of my heart
It burns a cold right through me
Tearing me apart

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

A thousand memories
Of when and where
Four walls and a rocking chair
Our story sticking to my skin

A dusty wind
Blows through this broken frame
Echoes of your name
Shadows fall and night pours in

Now the coldest day of winter
Has made a home of a heart
Says it plans to stay forever
Just like you did at the start

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

Now the coldest day of winter
Is here and here to stay
And it burns a cold right through me
'Round the heart you threw away

When did I lose you?
It feels like such a crime
When did I lose all
The reasons for this rhyme
So many questions burning
In this heart of mine

Left Me Here

Poignant song by one of my favorite bands, Hem:

Leave Me Here

I should wake up this town—my heart’s on fire.
Main road and no one’s around as the flames climb higher.
I have been here before and I know the way,
but love seemed sweeter and sure in the light of day, in the light of day.

So as I rise, I will reach for the livin’ ..I’ll say no prayer
As tonight he brought me to heaven and left me here.

I could tell by his face—those two tired eyes—it’s been a long night searching for grace, and the sun won’t rise.
Now I have been here before, though I know I am lost.
‘Cause the same place that filled me with joy is a road I crossed, just a road I crossed.

... So as I rise, I will reach for the livin’... I’ll say no prayer.. cuz tonight love feels nothing like heaven, to leave me here.

A moment of bitterness

These lyrics say it all:


Lacrymosa
by Evanescence

Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?

(lacrimosa) Blame it on me
(dies illa) set your guilt free
(Lacrimosa) nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
grieving the things I can't repair and willing...

(Lacrimosa) To let you blame it on me
(dies illa) and set your guilt free
(Lacrimosa) I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

(Lacrimosa) And you can blame it on me
(dies illa) just set your guilt free, honey
(Lacrimosa) I don't want to hold you back now love

Why Should I Cry For You?

iPod Shuffle has done it again. Brought me to a state of sadness in the middle of work. Why should I cry for you? Did you ever cry for me? Could you ever love me like I deserved?

Why Should I Cry For You
by Sting

Under the dog-star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North-north-west, the stones of Faroe

Under the Arctic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?

All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless fog
For all my days remaining

What would be true?
Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?

Always...

Found a new song by Peter Bradley Adams. I love his music best when he was part of eastmountainsouth. His latest song is haunting me. Reminding me of a time when I was waiting for someone. I taste the bittersweetness of that time. Oh, how it has colored me.

Always
=====

you can break her down
with your highs and lows
she's familiar with the sound
the sound you make every time you go

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me

this holiday she's alone
she leaves the lights on the tree
and though the new year is gone
every night there still on for you to see

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always... always always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always
always


dont wait too long
she would choose to believe
that her hear is still strong
strong enough if only you could see

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always... always always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always
always
always
always

What if...

What if the universe gave me everything I asked for? Would I take it? Would I even believe it was there, in front of me?

What if I met someone who was everything I ever wanted. Would I give in? Would I let go of the past and the hurt?

What if my life started to align itself to the things I had been calling into being. Would it feel real? Or like a dream?

Its all very strange right now. And wonderful. And giddy. And upsetting, at times. Confronting myself in the best possible way.

I need to start writing lyrics again. I've been distracted in the most delicious way...

You Feel Like Home, You Feel Like Home

An amazing night and a sweet good morning. What is that grin on my face, you ask? Hmmmmmmm :)

You're the prince to my ballerina
You feed other people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week
You give love to all and give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
When I feel the unknown
You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet, and you were sound
You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony keys
You would share your last jelly bean
You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around
And 'round and 'round

If I Could Fall...

How do you start again, after being hurt? How do you unclench the heart? How do you soften the grip that protects you?

If I Could Fall
by Lenny Kravitz

When I was young
I fell in love
She was a goddess
With a world inside of her mind
When she moved on
Something went wrong
She took my power
And the love I had inside
Now that I found you
I don't know how to

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would

I pray in time
I'll come to find
A way to break through
And save this heart of mine
You've waited long
If you can't hold on
I wouldn't blame you
I don't think I'd be that strong
What am I to do
If I can't have you

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would

You love me so
Even though I don't know
How do you deal
With a man like me

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would
I would, I would, I would

Please Believe In Me

I love Lenny. This song breaks my heart...



Believe

where's the love we had?
when did it go bad?
or am I just insecure?
I give all I can
baby I'm your man
tell me what we're in this for
remind me

chorus
I can't go on
I know not what to do
my heart is worn
I feel as if I'm through
please believe in me
'cause what I need is for you
to believe in me

countless sleepless nights
never ending fights
I'm trying to make your dreams come true
I will sacrifice
to find paradise
but I need to know that you're
behind me

chorus
I can't go on
I know not what to do
my heart is worn
I feel as if I'm through
please believe in me
'cause what I need is for you
to believe in me

I Still Think About You

Even though I shouldn't. Even though its over. Even though I'm moving on and you've moved on already.

Tangible memories are fading, mostly through force of will. I have pushed away the sparkling ones I used to hold dear. They are much too painful, and I cannot live my life in the past. If I do, it will only delay the future, when I will meet a man who will love me completely, who I will love completely in return.

Don't judge me too harshly for pushing you away. In this moment, I still care about you.

Calling it into being

Manifestation. That's what I'm exploring these days. Creating a clear picture in my mind of what I want my life to be like. These days, I've been looking at what I want creatively and romantically, and how the two collide. I close my eyes, and envision a partner, a collaborator, someone who lights me up and turns me on, who is inspired by me in turn. I imagine a house nestled in the trees at dusk. Coming up the drive, lights on, knowing the one I love is inside, waiting. A studio inside, a place to sing and play and work. An outpouring of love, of my life's work. Warm arms to surround me as I listen to a take. Nights of long conversation, long pauses, staring into each other's eyes.

I keep this vision firmly fixed in my mind. I believe in my own power; I can have it all. That's not to say there won't be work involved, or that it will all be easy. But I believe it is possible.

Oh yes, I do. You see... I am a believer.

Finding Me

Another track from the Vertical Horizon cd. This one speaks to me about personal growth and outgrowing a relationship.

I also got a chuckle out of the chorus:

Don't tell me how to be
'Cause I like some suffering

samsara, indeed! I had an opportunity lately to look back over relationships in my life, particularly ones filled with drama. What does it all say about me? Part of me doesn't want to answer that question. If I wanted to put myself in the best possible light, I would say that I am passionate person and I throw myself headlong into my feelings, unafraid of the consequences. But I know myself, and I have had a flair for the dramatic. And I've made choices both bad and good. But all that has made me who I am today. So who am I to take it back?

Vertical Horizon: Finding Me

Channeling energy into Creative Endeavours

Song in progress: "Breathlessly Waiting":

breathless
by Jennifer Wilde, copyright 2006

VERSE 1:
we talk in tongues and lips
singing each others praises
your breath and mine intertwined
you pine away the days
you are breathlessly waiting

speak to me so i can hear you
sing to me so i can feel you
sigh to my cheek, in my ear
let me know you are here
I am breathlessly waiting

CHORUS:
breathless breathless
breathless breathless

VERSE 2:
we two are two close strings
resonating in sympathetic vibration
we two are too close, yet not touching
wavering, trembling
and breathlessly waiting

bridge:
waiting for an outward sign
some oracle with prescient mind
to tell us what we will find

waiting for the right time
waiting for the right word
growing hungry with the waiting

VERSE 3:
we are in explicably drawn
like moths dancing round the same flame
wings and limbs entwined
drawn to the light and heat again and again
we are breathlessly waiting

breathlessly waiting