central reservation

Saw the movie "Duchess" tonight with my wonderful sister-in-law. Afterwards we had a couple glasses of wine, it was nice to be out, sociable.

On my way home I was listening to "Central Reservation" by Beth Orton, and it got me thinking. Its been a really rough couple of years. I've had two relationships since I separated from D and I'm finally at a place where I am making my own life, instead of waiting for someone else with whom to make a life. Bittersweet, really.

And as I stood on my deck tonight, looking over the lights of the houses in Montclair and the bay, I wonder... do you still think of me, in the small hours when you are alone?

Central Reservation
by Beth Orton
mp3

Running down the central reservation
In last night's red dress
And I can still smell you on my fingers
And taste you on my breath

Stepping through brilliant shades
Of the color you bring
This time, this time, this time
Is whatever I want it to mean

If this is where memories are made, well
Gonna like what I see
And everything I ever took for granted
I'm gonna let it be
I step through every shade
Of the color you bring
But this time, this time, this time
Is whatever I want it to mean

And everything and nothing is
As sacred as we want it to be
When it's real. Make it real
Compared to what?

It's like living in the middle of the ocean
With no future, no past
And everything that's good about now
Might just glide right past
I'm stepping through brilliant shades
All the color you bring
This time, ths time, this time
Is fine just as it is

And everything is sacred here
And nothing is as sacred as I want it to be
When it's real
Compared to what?

songs for D

The new Genius function on iTunes: I've only used it once, but I was impressed with the selection. We'll see how it functions over time.

Heard these two songs and thought of D:

Neverending Math Equation
by Sun Kil Moon
mp3
Favorite lines:
I am the same as I was six years old
Oh my god I feel so old

Heal Over
by KT Tunstall
mp3

video: I'm going to make it through this year, if it kills me

This kinda puts it all in perspective for me.


Mountain Goats: This Year
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYCzDhaRV60)

Many thanks to Tracey for sharing that with me.

This is the song that D played for me. The video really is poignant.


Mountain Goats: No Children
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYcmbtGgi6Q)

"I hope you die. I hope we both die."

music: tear in your hand

This song still moves me when I hear it. So many break ups have taken me to this place. Once again, the whole world is dangling...

Tear in Your Hand
by Tori Amos

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together any more
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king

Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause
Me and charles manson like the same ice cream
I think its that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up
Every time I touch you

Maybe its time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
And your baby baby baby babies
I tell you there's pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

RIP: Lana Scatena

My dear friend Gina's mother Lana passed away last night, from lung cancer. Her family was around her when she drew her last breath.

Today Russ (Gina's husband) asked me if I would sing at her funeral. I am very honored to do so. He asked me to sing Wishing You were Somehow Here Again (from the Phantom of the Opera) and as soon as I heard it, I understood.

Of course, when Sarah Brightman sings it, she sings in high soprano. But I found a site that has digital sheet music you can transpose online and buy. I've already gone through the song a few times and its singable. I'm nervous, but its the least I can do for my very dear friends and their family.

Wishing You were Somehow Here Again
by Andrew Lloyd Weber

You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .

Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .

Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .

Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .

No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say
goodbye.

charlotte sometimes: a reunion

Its my 20th year high school reunion; I graduated a year early at age 17. The fact that I am going, and looking forward to going (with my dear dear friend Russ, yay!!) is a minor miracle.

There was much darkness in my early school years. Lots of therapy in the past few years has shed light on what happened, and healed that place in me. I even wrote a song about the process, called Unraveling (check out Unraveling on my music site).

This reminisce started tonight, when "Charlotte Sometimes" came up on iTunes. I loved that song in high school. All the Cure songs resonated with that deeply wounded part of myself.

It also made me remember my 10 year reunion, how scared I was to go. I listened to Tori Amos songs on the way up, raw and jagged in my emotionally fragile state. I started drinking early and too much. Poor D had to take care of me. The funny thing is that I was so busy trying not to fall into a timewarp to my younger self, that I couldn't see people for who they were in the present time.

I listen to the song now and it tells the story of a sad girl who wanted for so long to wake up in a different

Charlotte Sometimes
the Cure
(listen to mp3)

all the faces
all the voices blur
change to one face
change to one voice
prepare yourself for bed
the light seems bright
and glares on white walls
all the sounds of
charlotte sometimes
into the night with
charlotte sometimes

night after night she lay alone in bed
her eyes so open to the dark
the streets all looked so strange
they seemed so far away
but charlotte did not cry

the people seemed so close
playing expressionless games
the people seemed
so close
so many
other names...

sometimes i'm dreaming
where all the other people dance
sometimes i'm dreaming
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i'm dreaming
expressionless the trance
sometimes i'm dreaming
so many different names
sometimes i'm dreaming
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
she hopes to open shadowed eyes
on a different world
come to me
scared princess
charlotte sometimes

on that bleak track
(see the sun is gone again)
the tears were pouring down her face
she was crying and crying for a girl
who died so many years before...

sometimes i dream
where all the other people dance
sometimes i dream
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i dream
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
there are so many different names
sometimes i dream
sometimes i dream...

charlotte sometimes crying for herself
charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself
but it's always with love
with so much love it looks like
everything else
of charlotte sometimes
so far away
glass sealed and pretty
charlotte sometimes

Big Deal

Listening to a song by Everything but the Girl that I've never heard. I swear to god. How did it get into my iTunes?

Big Deal

You don't know what's wrong, you only know it isn't right.
You don't remember for how long, but you wake in tears at night.
Big deal.
Big deal.

You spend four nights a week now looking for your inner child.
What you gonna say when you find him?
Suppose you don't like him or he doesn't like you?
Suppose once you wake him up he won't go back to bed and wants to stay up late
Watching TV?
But you say there must be some reason why you feel this way.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?

You say you wanna get cured, you wanna turn off your head.
Oh and you say it hurts, and you feel unsure.
First you doubt yourself and then you doubt her.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way I feel.
Big deal, what she think she feels?
What is it you wanna feel?
I don't think you wanna feel

Walk Away

Spent a very lovely evening showing my new friend Catherine around SF. Tomorrow she heads back to her home in Montreal.

On the way home, I put the iPhone on shuffle and got this song:

"Walk Away"
by Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

CHORUS
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

CHORUS

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

CHORUS

Closing in

I debated whether or not to go to the cocktail networking function after the conference today. I'm glad I did. Met a whole bunch of Canadians (and a midwesterner) and took them to the Globe. I think they were suitable impressed :) I have had a lot of good memories at that restaurant. D used to take me there when I got back from traveling to the midwest to remind me of why I live in San Francisco. They have excellent food, and they server dinner late (open until 1am on weekdays). They are known among restaurant folk as a good after-work place.

Back in my house in the hills. I stood on the deck and smoked a clove cigarette, the spice lingering on my tongue, a smile on my lips. The mist closing in on my house, making things seems cosy in the dark. A nice night.

Closing In
by Imogen Heap
mp3

I can't wait
To be with you
No I just can't sit still,
Are we there yet?
Takes me back,
I remember
Such a magical place
It was all you...

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way

Frame by frame,
Red speed ahead
A city dissolving,
The threat of your love in the headlights
Is it safe now?
Will your arms be open?
I just have to kiss you,
Try and stop me

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in
It’s all that I want in the whole world
Closing in
Please be there, please be there

What are you like?
Where did you get to?
No word no nothing
You didn't hold me, for any longer
Did you walk for the fear of love?
Or don't you believe enough?
Well I'll cover both of us
You can leave that to me!

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in...closing in...

no mistakes, no misbehaving

Another nice track by Imogen Heap on her album "Speak for Yourself".

The Walk
by Imogen Heap

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze or make it forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

The Girl and the Sea

This song came up on my iPod, and I swear I have never heard it before (although it already has a star rating... so I guess I am going senile).

I want to do an acoustic version of this song.

the Girl and the Sea
by the Presets
(m4p: not sure if you can play this)

Tonight the
tonight the hills are watching her
as she runs towards the sea
yeah she runs so she'll be free

And of all the friends and enemies shes made along the way
they are no where in her thoughts
as she dives beneath the waves

And he's the one that you've seen sometimes on tv
and his shirt is on the ground
while he's tackled by police
and the parcel that he throws across the bridge into the creek
it'll flow towards the sea
it will meet with her tommorow

No place,
some time
we'll clear
our eyes
and when
you're down
i'll come around

And all the
places shes been along the way
flames are licken at their walls
night glows with their remains

From far away the animals come gather round to see
but she knows not how they feel
and she knows not what it means

When she was young we'd ask her what she'd like to be
and she'd close her eyes and dream...

...now we're no where in her thoughts
as she dives beneath the waves.

A place
I've found
could be
all ours
but I've seen
where you
would rather be.

Never Let me Down Again

I don't know why I'm feeling irritated. I got a disappointing shock in the mail (but not unexpected). Then I cleaned my house, which made me feel productive (and its always nicer to be in a clean house). I was practically giddy during my cello lesson, after that.

Then I tried and failed to make some spontaneous plans. This turned out to be a good thing, because I have a ton of work to do. But I'm slightly irritated by my day. And then I was irritated that I couldn't find some decent music to work to in iTunes. I only have 50 THOUSAND songs, how hard could it F---ing be?! And that interaction I just had with my ex and my son didn't help either.

But this song seemed to help, a little:

Depeche Mode
Never Let Me Down

I'm taking a ride
With my best friend
I hope he never let's me down again
He knows where he's taking me
Taking me where I want to be
I'm taking a ride
With my best friend

We're flying high
We're watching the world pass us by
Never want to come down
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/dQM ]
Never want to put my feet back down
On the ground

I'm taking a ride
With my best friend
I hope he never let's me down again
Promises me I'm as safe as houses
As long as I remember who's
wearing to trousers
I hope he never let's me down again

Never let me down

See the stars, they're shining bright
Everything's alright tonight

27 Jennifers

I love this song. Sure go ahead, call me narcissistic ;) Its just that I was born on the 27th and am struck by coincidences.

http://www.mikedoughty.com/music/lyrics/121

27 Jennifers
Album: Golden Delicious

I went to school with 27 Jennifers
16 Jenns, 10 Jennies, and then there was her

Mmm, yeah!

You might be the one that I’ve been seeking for
You might be the strange delightful
You might be the girlie who shall end all girls
You might be the sweet unspiteful

I rode the bus with 27 Jennifers
16 Jenns, 10 Jennies, throwing shade at her

Life Carries On

Struggling today. Not sure why. But there is a moment in this song that helps:

I Grieve
by Peter Gabriel

t was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Theres nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Its just the way that you would tied in
Now theres no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I cant handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing whats gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone thats out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Its just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve

I don't know you

I'm just now getting around to listening to Kate Havnevik's Melankton album. I had heard one track, "Nowhere Warm" courtesy of Hype Machine. Over a year later, I picked up the CD at Amoeba. Nowhere Warm is still my favorite track so far (hard to beat a song with emotional ties) but I just heard this one, which is also very good:


I Don't Know You
by Kate Havnevik
(mp3)

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.

The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

All you want

Interesting how things change... you have different experiences and the strings a song touches change, but somehow the emotional connection is still there.

That is true of this song. When I first fell for it, I was in NYC, obsessed with a man I had no business dating. That was my second year of living dangerously.

Now when I hear it, I think of someone else entirely.

All You Want
by Dido (one of my guilty pleasures)

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe by my side
And though sleep leaves me behind
there's nowhere I'd rather be
And now our bed is oh so cold
my hands feel empty
no one to hold
I can sleep what side I want
It's not the same with you gone
Oh if you'd come home
I'll let you know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

It's been three years
One night apart
but in that night you tore my heart
If only you had slept alone
If those seeds had not been sown

Oh you could come home and you would know that
All you want
Is right here in this room
All you need
Is sitting here with you
All you want

I hear your key turning in the door
I won't be hearing that sound anymore
And you and your sin
can leave the way you just came in
send my regards to her

I hope you've found that
All you want
Is right there in that room
All you need
Is sitting there with you
All you want

I'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe by my side

A good lyric...

can evoke meaning in your brain, particular to you. It has to have just enough vagueness to connect to a myriad of memories, and specific enough to tug at the string tied to your emotions. Like this one:

from Hide and Seek
by Imogen Heap

...
Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that its all for the best?
Because it is
Mmmm whacha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whacha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
...

Have You Got it In You

Another GREAT track from Imogen Heap. I bought her second album and have been listening to it over and over and over...

Best part:

All at once, not a whisper, nor word.
Then all at once...
Let me have it all, let me have a battle on,
Easy target,
Look can we just...just get it over with.
It's getting worse, against all the odds...
It's getting worse.
(Guard down, floor's yours, last man standing can we, just get it over with.)


That woman can see into my brain, I tell you. She inspires me to get writing again.

Say Goodnight and Go

The other day S texted me to say he was in town and I told him I hope he has a good week. Its strange for me, to be drawing hard lines. To break the ties that bind. But I think its a step in the right direction, honoring myself and my intentions and not settling for second place.

I'm sorry, I told you I loved you and you think we can be just friends now? I don't think so.

I used to feel guilty about that. Now I don't. My mother told me on Sunday that my dad tried to pull that on her the month before they were married. He wanted to call it off and just be friends. She said no, and went to a bar to get drown her sorrows. He came and found her and took it all back.


Say Goodnight and Go
by Imogen Heap (mp3)

Say goodnight and go.

Skipping beats,
Blushing cheeks.
I am... struggling..
Daydreaming,
Bed scenes in... the corner cafe
And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic... tremblings
You get me every time.

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you..
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Follow you home,
You've got your headphones on
And you're dancing
Got lucky;
Beautiful shot:
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains wide open
And you're following the same routine;
Flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone..

Oh, why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

One of these days,
You'll miss your train,
And come stay with me...
{It's always say goodnight and go}
We'll have drinks,
And talk about things and,
Any excuse to stay awake with you...
You'd sleep here,
I'd sleep there,
But then the heating may be down again,
At my convenience...
We'd be good,
We'd be great together...

Go (sigh)
{Instrumental pause}

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Why's it always always:
goodnight and go?
Oh, Darling not again,
Goodnight and... go...

iron & wine sweetness

Sigh. I love this man's lyrics, his voice, his simple guitar melodies.

I wonder if I will hear this from my son, one day when he is grown.


Upward Over the Mountain
by Iron & Wine

Mother don't worry, I killed the last snake that lived in the creek bed
Mother don't worry, I've got some money I saved for the weekend
Mother remember being so stern with that girl who was with me?
Mother remember the blink of an eye when I breathed through your body?

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain

Mother I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison
Mother I lost it, all of the fear of the Lord I was given
Mother forget me now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
Mother forgive me, I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons could be birds, taken broken up to the mountain

Mother don't worry, I've got a coat and some friends on the corner
Mother don't worry, she's got a garden we're planting together
Mother remember the night that the dog had her pups in the pantry?
Blood on the floor, fleas on their paws,
And you cried 'til the morning

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying always over the mountain

Once

Watching the movie "once" now, about a singer/songwriter guitarist/street musician who meets a girl who can sing and play piano. And they write some songs together, and then end up recording. Mostly its about his songs, but there is a moment... a break in recording, and she finds a dark room with a piano. And he finds her and asks her to play him one of her songs. She demures, but he insists. And she sings a heartbreaking song, chokes in the middle and cannot go on.

"Did you write that for your husband?" (from whom she is separated)
"Yeah I did. And he hated it"
"He's an idiot"
"Yeah", she says, half-heartedly chuckling, "he's an idiot"

And she lays her head down on his shoulder. That's when I stopped to write this post.

This movie reminds me of how wonderful it is to collaborate with someone who truly gets you. How intimate an experience music making can be, as intimate as love-making.

The Hill
by Markéta Irglová

Looking up the hill tonight
When you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning

Where are you now, angel now
Don't you see me crying
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say your not trying
I'm on my knees in front of him
But he doesn't seem to see me
But all his troubles on his mind is looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down deciding is falling you
And I wished that you could see I have my troubles too

Lookin' at you sleeping
I'm with a man I know
I'm sitting here weeping while the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the mornin' I have to let you go
And you'll be just a man once I leave to know
For these past few days someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault
When will you realize

Lookin' at you leavin'
I'm looking for a sign

The last day of our acquaintance

My mind keeps wanting to see the world as dim and flat. My eyes tell me it is colorful and shiny. Why does the vortex want me to go down? What strange elemental power is this that wants to hold me back? My soul is stretched between sadness and hope. Blurred hues swim in tears. And then nothing.

Listened to this song three times in a row:

The Last Day of Our Acquaintance
by Sinead O'Connor
mp3

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love
Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

Make tomorrow today

First song of the day from iTunes. Reminds me of how I spent so much of last year praying for 2008 to come. Another beautiful song from Mr Gabriel, rich in texture, lyrically simple. Makes me want to put on my wedding dress, see myself in the mirror, get lost in the memories.

Make Tomorrow
by Peter Gabriel

Put on the dress in which you were married
Pull down the veil til your eyes are hid
Can you remember where we both came from
Let us do as we did

Look at tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

Put back the photo under your window
Put down the phone that you hold in your hand
Put away these things that stand in between us
Let us be what we can
When it seems
Hopeless
When it seems
Hopeless

Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

What better measure of what you were doing here
Then what you can leave behind
All the children of your children's children
Do you ever think what they're going to find
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the sacred meet the scared
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the dreamer's dream is dared

In each of us
A dream can burn like the sun
Let's try it all one more time
To get this lesson learned

Sitting up in a spaceship
Looking down at the earth
You wonder what they all stuggling for
What's it all really worth
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow

Where I Am At

A Moment to Myself
by Macy Gray

I saw a rainbow just earlier today
Lately those rainbows be comin' round like everyday
Deep in the struggle I have found the beauty of me
God is watchin and the devil finally let me be
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

They're all lookin at you, you've got everything to lose
Get up and dance girl, sing your tu-rah-loo-rah-loo
And quit bitchin bout how don't nobody really love you
Spread your rubber lovin and it bounces back to you
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

Flowers are bloomin under gray skies and moons
Seems like I'm winnin everytime I lose
And the answers I been looking for been here all this time
Spread my rubber lovin and everything was fine
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

we close our eyes

I still like this song :)

We Close Our Eyes
by Oingo Boingo

We close our eyes
We close our eyes and dream and the world has turned around again
When everybody is running in the big race
And having a good time
Who am I to cast a shadow
Who am I?
I looked Death in the face last night
I saw him in a mirror
And he simply smiled
He told me not to worry
He told me just to take my time

Chorus:
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream and another year has come and gone
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream ...

And if you come to me
And if you touch my hand
I might just slip away
I might just disappear
Who am I?
And if you think I'm worth it
And if you think it's not too late
We might start falling
If we don't try to hard
We might start falling in love

(Chorus)
We're on the healing path
We're on a roller coaster ride
That could never turn back
And if you love me
And if you really try
To make the seconds count
Then we can close our eyes
(chorus)
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again

we close our eyes

I still like this song :)

We Close Our Eyes
by Oingo Boingo

We close our eyes
We close our eyes and dream and the world has turned around again
When everybody is running in the big race
And having a good time
Who am I to cast a shadow
Who am I?
I looked Death in the face last night
I saw him in a mirror
And he simply smiled
He told me not to worry
He told me just to take my time

Chorus:
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream and another year has come and gone
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again
We close our eyes and dream ...

And if you come to me
And if you touch my hand
I might just slip away
I might just disappear
Who am I?
And if you think I'm worth it
And if you think it's not too late
We might start falling
If we don't try to hard
We might start falling in love

(Chorus)
We're on the healing path
We're on a roller coaster ride
That could never turn back
And if you love me
And if you really try
To make the seconds count
Then we can close our eyes
(chorus)
We close our eyes and the world has turned around again

past loves put to rest

Its a good thing I'm not this dramatic anymore! Nice to be more even keel these days.

Ghost
by the Indigo Girls

Theres a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippis mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess thats how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And theres not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Im in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
Id walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
Ive never been this close
Im in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh Im forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I cant swim free
The river is too deep
Though Im baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

i love it here, why aren't you here too?

On Thursday morning, driving in to work over the Bay Bridge, Ocean Breathes Salty came up on iTunes. I felt a powerful ache in my heart, for S. who wasn't here to see how beautiful it is. And my love for this place and longing for him tangled up and squeezed like creeping vines around my heart.

I just talked to him tonight. He is lost, does not know where he is supposed to go. I keep telling myself I cannot heal him, I cannot guide him. I can only be here, feeling what I feel, moving forward despite my feelings for him. I answered personal ads on Sunday night. It all seems weird. But this is what my life is like now. Moving forward in the strangeness. I have not yet settled, nor do I want to. I want to remain open, see where life takes me.

here is the song:

Ocean Breathes Salty (mp3)

Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

I could have written this song last year

Monopoly
by Shawn Colvin

I don't know what else to do
I would rather do anything
Than write this song for you
And perpetuate this thing
In my head, in my living room
With the usual arsenal
Of broken chords and rusty strings
To surrender all


And I don't like to be so weak
Retreating behind these lines
The same old tongue-in-cheek
Regretting that both are mine
And I don't like to live this way
This is really true
But I know better than to pray now
About what I just have to learn to do
But imagine the nerve of God
Letting me let you in
And I thought I could let you go in grace
I've gotta think again


Because right now I would be bought
and sold
To see your face somewhere
I would sell your sweet soul
Just to touch your crazy black gold hair
I don't care what's really real
I was someone that you'd heard of
I saw heaven in your eyes
And we made a deal
And that's what I know of love


Music, it never goes
But I told you I hate that shit
When people say"well you know
You got a song out of it"
But I don't know what else to do
I would rather be anywhere
Than here without you

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive

Heard this song on someone's myspace page tonight. I need to get this, I think.

"Where Does the Good Go?"

-Tegan and Sara

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where do you go when your in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that your on your way down
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

it's love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

(guitar solo)

Look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me that you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

it's love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go

(look me in the eye)
where does the good go
(and tell me you dont find me attractive)
where does the good go
(look me in the heart)
where does the good go
(and tell me you wont go)
where does the good go
(look me in the eye)
where does the good go
(and promise no love is like our love)
where does the good go
(look me in the heart)
where does the good go
(and unbreak broken)
where does the good go
(it wont happen)

where does the good go?

Black is the color of my true love's hair

On shuffle again, and came across this song, which I didn't know I had. I don't have anything else by the artist, so it must be a hypemachine find. I haven't had time for that in forEVer!

Black is the Color
by Espers
(mp3)

Black is the color of my true love's hair
His face is like some wondrous fair
With the prettiest face and the neatest hands
I love the ground whereon he stands

I love my love
And well he knows
I love the ground whereon he goes
If you know ???
.....

I go to the Clyde for to mourn and weep
But satisfied I never can sleep
I'll write him a letter, just a few short lines
I'll suffer death one thousand times

Black is the color of my true love's hair
His face is like some wondrous fair
With the prettiest face and the neatest hands
I love the ground whereon he stands

Its All the Same

Song seems poignant and relevant... again.. damnit.


All the Same
Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Pink Hair Blue Eyes, Stormy Skies

Expectations lead to suffering. This I know to be true. Ask me how much knowing this helps.

I am aware of the beauty of this moment
How perfectly the gray clouds tuck me in
Like cool soft blankets as I sink into this mood,
Settle into the gentle melancholy
That promises, in a whisper, to lift in a while
Its only temporary, this liquid state of mind.

I also thought of an idea for a song on BART "Just a Girl".
Need to sit and write.

Destiny

On a clear day
I’ll fly home to you
I’m bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you

When I’m weak I draw strength from you
And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
And when I’m down you breathe life over me
Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

I don't even know who I'm singing for anymore...

On A Clear Day

PM Dawn On A Clear Day

Think I could find a better way,
find a sight to see
find a place that I...belong to
Wandering aimlessly
But I know where I can go
Somewhere across from me,
I now realize...

On a clear day, I can see
If only I could hear you
If only you could hear me
On a clear day, baby, I can see
Everything that's cosmic, but you, baby

Oh, maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you, baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you...baby

When you open up your eyes
What's in front of you,
Is what's supposed to be there,
Oh really?

Ask me who I am.
Ask me what you are.
One nation under God,
I'm smiling

On a clear day, baby
I can see, If only I could find you
If only you could find me(find me baby)
On a clear day, baby
I can see, Only God knows where you're going...

Open up your hearts
Open up your minds
Baby how do you feel?
Are you cold here?

Kiss me everyday,
I find another way
Brings me in the sky,
I don't know you

On a clear day, baby
I can see If only I could see you
If only you could see me
On a clear day, baby, I can see
Forever behind the horizon line

Oh, maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you, baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you...baby

Oh, Where was I before?
It doesn't matter now
Maybe it does sometimes...
I don't know

What do ya think of me?
What do ya think of life?
Hold me in my arms
I love you

On a clear day, baby
I can see everyone that loves you,
Everyone that loves me
On a clear day, baby, I can see
Whatever's in front of my eyes...

Oh, maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you

Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you, baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you...baby

Toast

Toast by Tori Amos

I thought it was Easter time
The way the light rose
Rose that morning
Lately you've been on my mind
You showed me the rope
Ropes to climb
Over mountains
And to pull myself
Out of a landslide
Of a landslide

I thought it was harvest time
You always loved the smell of the wood burning
She with her honey hair
Dalhousie Castle
She would meet you there
In the winter
Butter yellow
The flames you stirred
Yes, you could stir

I raise a glass
Make a toast
A toast in your honor
I hear you laugh
And beg me not to dance
On your right standing by
Is Mr. Bojangles
With a toast he's telling me it's time
To raise a glass
Make a toast
A toast in your honor
I hear you laugh and beg me not to dance
On your right standing is
Mr. Bojangles
With a toast he's telling me it's time
To let you go
Let you go

I thought I'd see you again
You said you might do
Maybe in a carving
In a cathedral
Somewhere in Barcelona

Shadows and Memories

I listened to Sun Kil Moon on the way home from B&C's, my son in the backseat. I wanted something I could listen to that would wind down the mood. I put on Duk Koo Kim, because it was long enough to last the drive. As ever, I am gently surprised by the lyrics. I forget what they touch:

oh, come to me once more, my love
show me the love I've never known

Searching for SKM on myspace, I find a profile which has another song I love: Carry Me Ohio. And I'm drawn in again to the bittersweet lyrics, the melancholy sounds:

sorry that
i could never love you back
i could never care enough
in these last days

I'm having trouble connecting there. The words, they want to go in, but it is as if I am watching a movie about my emotions. Feelings up on the silver screen, projected ten feet tall, unrealistic. I search through half remembered dreams and hopes. Shadow loves and memories of great and undying passion.

all the lovers i've burned through
so why do i still burn for you

But I don't. I try to reach out to that self, that woman who burned, that soul that threatened to drown in a tidal wave of tears, to connect to that place inside. Its as if I am reaching, my fingertips dip into a running stream, nothing to hold onto, nothing to grasp.

Perhaps it is best. In this liminal space, far from the grasping and longing, far from the ebb and flow of the sea, I am safe.

I am content.

For B and C

This is too cute, reminding of their upcoming nuptials:

I Wanna Get Married
by Nellie McKay
(mp3)

I wanna get married
Yes, I need a spouse
I want a nice Leave it to Beaverish
Golden retriever and a little white house
I wanna get married
I need to cook meals
I wanna pack you cute little lunches
For my Brady bunches
Then read Danielle Steele
I wanna escape
This rat race I've created
I'm feelin' enervated
I don't care if I make it
I just want to bake a sugar cake for you
To take to work in the morn
And I'll stay home cleaning the dishes
And keeping your wishes all warm
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

I wanna partake in bake sales for the classroom
I wanna hear the sweet tune
Of Sally's little vroom-vroom
As she zooms around my broom
As I exhume the gloom
Of my shallow life
I wanna be simple and honest and dimpled
'cause I am your wife
I will never tarry
I'm not even torn
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

Shiny

Operating at an even keel. Not sure what the future holds, and for once, not too worried about it. S may come out here, he may not. I send messages to random boys, sometimes getting a response, sometimes not. Mostly I'm fine where I am at. I've been working a ton, full time and freelance on the side. Trying to get the album done. Going to get the paperwork done and filed.

There is a fog in the basin below my house. The trees are particularly ghostly today, standing tall like silent spectors in the mist. The air smells of dew and wet leaves. God, I love it here. The only thing that would make it more perfect is if I were close to the ocean. But for now, this is good. More than good, it is what I need.

The universe is conspiring to give me exactly the life I want. I have faith that it is here already.

Listening to iTunes on shuffle again. Came up with the Decemberists. Very nice tune, slightly upbeat, but darker lyrics.

Shiny
by the Decemberists
(mp3)

by the bumper cars, in the pretty twining light,
i may have gone too far,
i may have gone too much, too long.
i'm a dull and witless boy.
in the after bars, think i was sullied by a dream.
in the killing jar,
you and me at war at arms
all falling in embrace.

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes all shiny

a tawny gypsy girl
sleeping blanketed by stars
beneath the tilt-a-whirl
where we were coyly caught alone
all fumbling with your blouse

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes all shiny

and in the rollercoaster din
by the parachutes in saddle shoes you break your shin
but i have never seen two eyes so shiny
and the sullen beery swine
try to tangle you in sullen beery balls of twine
have they ever seen two eyes so shiny?

the boys in denim vests
smoking cigarettes between their bootblack fingertips
sweetly tipsy by the half-light
the light and the half-light

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes so shiny

27 Jennifers

Dang it! Hahahahaha... its so funny what kind of experiences the internet enables. Case in point:

1. I see a guy on BART with a "man sack" that makes me think of Darcy
2. I remember to tell Darcy over IM and he says he still wants one.
3. I go tripping around the internet looking for "man sack"
4. I find a link to a blog entry from Mike Doughty saying he bought a one.
5. I go to his home page, where I see a promo for a new song "27 Jennifers"
6. I listen to the song on MySpace and decide to look up the lyrics.

Its just funy because my birthday is on thee 27th, and the fact that there are SO MANY (a veritable plethora!) of Jennifers.

Anyway, the song made me smile, so here are the lyrics (you can listen to the song on myspace)

27 Jennifers
by Mike Doughty

I went to school with 27 Jennifers
16 Jenns, 10 Jennies, and then there was her

It’s the sweet shine of,
Yeah, force of divine love
The blessed arrival of you

You might be the one that I’ve been seeking for
You might be the strange delightful
You might be the girly who shall end all girls
You might be the sweet unspiteful

I rode the bus with 27 Jennifers
15 Jenns, 10 Jennies disapproved of her

Yeah, get from my sight, man,
Gladness is a blight, and
Happiness stinks up the room