Always...

Found a new song by Peter Bradley Adams. I love his music best when he was part of eastmountainsouth. His latest song is haunting me. Reminding me of a time when I was waiting for someone. I taste the bittersweetness of that time. Oh, how it has colored me.

Always
=====

you can break her down
with your highs and lows
she's familiar with the sound
the sound you make every time you go

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me

this holiday she's alone
she leaves the lights on the tree
and though the new year is gone
every night there still on for you to see

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always... always always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always
always


dont wait too long
she would choose to believe
that her hear is still strong
strong enough if only you could see

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always... always always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always
always
always
always

You Feel Like Home, You Feel Like Home

An amazing night and a sweet good morning. What is that grin on my face, you ask? Hmmmmmmm :)

You're the prince to my ballerina
You feed other people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week
You give love to all and give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
When I feel the unknown
You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet, and you were sound
You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony keys
You would share your last jelly bean
You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around
And 'round and 'round

If I Could Fall...

How do you start again, after being hurt? How do you unclench the heart? How do you soften the grip that protects you?

If I Could Fall
by Lenny Kravitz

When I was young
I fell in love
She was a goddess
With a world inside of her mind
When she moved on
Something went wrong
She took my power
And the love I had inside
Now that I found you
I don't know how to

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would

I pray in time
I'll come to find
A way to break through
And save this heart of mine
You've waited long
If you can't hold on
I wouldn't blame you
I don't think I'd be that strong
What am I to do
If I can't have you

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would

You love me so
Even though I don't know
How do you deal
With a man like me

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would
I would, I would, I would

An Interesting Time in My Life

Yes, I'm thinking of the scene from Fight Club. At the end of the movie, the beginning of the rest of their lives. Standing with hands held together, watching the collapse of structures that hold us all back. Holding breath, wondering if self will collapse in the process. Are we really safe standing here? For now I will stand still, breathe, let it be.

And then I heard this song, and it seemed to fit:

CHANGE A COME
c. 2005 Hyim

Sometimes ya work it in
Sometimes ya work it out
Sometimes ya work it baby
Sometimes it gives ya something to be about

(((Chorus)))
Change a come
That’s all it is
Change a come
In my warm arms and a moving breeze
Change a come
That’s all it is

Singing for the saints and cynics in my head
Laying to rest my need to know
That what I do
Will change the world
Cuz it already has, yeah
It already has

(((Chorus)))

Dreaming of possible outcomes in hopeful hymns
Sometimes ya work it out, sometimes ya work it in
I don’t place all my hope in big hope
But I ballot punch and then I amp my vote
You know, I don’t lay all my hope in big vote
But I ballot punch and then I amp my hope
Rock the boat, and I call the quote, and I sing my note
Fast or slow…always:

(((Chorus)))

http://hyimvibe.com/

Please Believe In Me

I love Lenny. This song breaks my heart...



Believe

where's the love we had?
when did it go bad?
or am I just insecure?
I give all I can
baby I'm your man
tell me what we're in this for
remind me

chorus
I can't go on
I know not what to do
my heart is worn
I feel as if I'm through
please believe in me
'cause what I need is for you
to believe in me

countless sleepless nights
never ending fights
I'm trying to make your dreams come true
I will sacrifice
to find paradise
but I need to know that you're
behind me

chorus
I can't go on
I know not what to do
my heart is worn
I feel as if I'm through
please believe in me
'cause what I need is for you
to believe in me

Brand New Chapter

Its a banner day today... posted up my brand new page for my solo music. http://www.myspace.com/ajanuarygirl

My new favorite song is one that I wrote (I love when that happens!)

Across the Meadow
by Jennifer Wilde (c) 2007

across the meadow i will run
across the meadow you will come

after school each day
i'll run up your back stairs
your mom will make us lemonade
and then well run off to play

you'll be my best friend
confidants and comrades
junior high you'll have my heart
our first kiss 'neath the oak tree in the meadow

ooo next lifetime

i'll know when we move into
that house next door to yours
i'll see that this will be our chance
to get what we could not before

we'll look into each others eyes
and recognition will alight
several lifetimes in the planning
before we could get it right this time

ooo next lifetime

high school graduation will come
and we'll vow to never part
share the same schools, the same dreams
one life, one love and one heart

and when we marry we will
stand beneath that shining oak tree
in the meadow where we used to run
just like we planned in this lifetime...
when we could not be

not in this lifetime

ooo in the next lifetime
lets make a promise
to meet when we are small

ooo not in this lifetime
but in the next, yes in the next one
we will have it all

across the meadow i will run
across the meadow you will come

No matter what they say... you are beautiful

Turbulent times. Redefining everything. Parts of me disassembling and reassembling. My emotional body in flux.

Wrote this song yesterday and recorded it last night. I wish I had heard a song like this when I was growing up.

Beautiful

Many thanks to Mike Claire for his beautiful piano playing.

Remember this... you are beautiful

Its Been Awhile

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile since I can say I love myself as well and
And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry

looking back, looking forward

Tomorrow I'll be heading up to Portland to visit friends. I'll be reflecting on the previous year, but also on my life up until now. I'm going to walk a labyrinth up there, will do a ritual to burn the old contract and say a prayer to unvierse for the new contract I have written. All my hopes and fears, all my wishes and prayers, all my disappointments and fantasies. All will be there. All are part of me.

And its all good.

Good to be Here by the Animators
(saw them at the Independent last Friday. GOOD LORD its only been a week since then)

Home for the Holidays

Interesting phrase that. My new home, although I have only been here a month, feels like a safe haven. It also, at times, feels like a dark echoy cave. I'm frequently alone in the house, so how i view it depends on what mood I am in. And lately, I've been all over the map.

I'm going to my sister's home today to visit my family. A sort of homecoming, although I see them regularly. Going with my son and his dad. Not as a pretend family; we're beyond that. We are a family of a different sort, where we are friends and parents. Easier to endure the holidays knowing at least I don't have to act like "everything's ok". Why did I feel the need to do that for so long?

Tomorrow we are visiting his family. I have no idea how that is going to go. The last thing Doc said to me was something like a plea not to break D's heart. Did I do that? How will be be around me? We shall soon find out.

After that I will want to retreat, I am sure. Although I'll probably be social on Tuesday, and then in the studio that night. Ahhhhhh creating music. It does so soothe me.

The other night I saw Vienna Teng in concert. She was brilliant, moved me to tears a couple times. She played my favorite song of hers, Harbor, that will always hold a special place in my heart. And I had a thought that night, that home is where my heart is. Where my heart wants to be, there I am home.

I am such a romantic sometimes, sheesh! :)

Finding Me

Another track from the Vertical Horizon cd. This one speaks to me about personal growth and outgrowing a relationship.

I also got a chuckle out of the chorus:

Don't tell me how to be
'Cause I like some suffering

samsara, indeed! I had an opportunity lately to look back over relationships in my life, particularly ones filled with drama. What does it all say about me? Part of me doesn't want to answer that question. If I wanted to put myself in the best possible light, I would say that I am passionate person and I throw myself headlong into my feelings, unafraid of the consequences. But I know myself, and I have had a flair for the dramatic. And I've made choices both bad and good. But all that has made me who I am today. So who am I to take it back?

Vertical Horizon: Finding Me

new CDs on a cloudy day

Went CD shopping at Amoeba for the first time in FOREVER! Man, that was nice!! I picked up KT Tunstall, and am really liking this disc. Here is a nice track that didn't get radio play like some others:

KT Tunstall - Stoppin the Loving (mp3)

I enjoy her lyrical style on this CD, and on this track especially. Heal Over is also a great track, especially with this weather, and the mood I am in.

Bittersweet the New Beginning

Standing at the point of transformation, I pause, seeing both sides. And while I've been pushing forward all this time, I take a moment to look back and take in the view. It is breathtaking in its breadth, painful in its beauty, I am weeping. A lesser soul would ask "what have I done?" but I already know the answer to that. And just because I feel pain does not mean I should stop.

But oh, the pain. Sometimes it threatens to pull me under. Especially when it comes in the form of a sweet song that perfectly captures this moment, in all its hope and sorrow.

Wedding Day by Rosie Thomas [check her out]

I had the pleasure to hear her perform on Friday at the Swedish American Hall in San Francisco. She could have been a comedienne, she was sweet and funny, and her voice touched me deeply. I talked to her after the show, don't know what possessed me to give her my CD. She is my new favorite singer/songwriter.

Settling in

Ahhhhh a new situation, a new start. Settling in now, testing out the solitude. Some days are easier than others. Some days I'm haunted by the silence. Where are the happy sounds I used to hear? Other times I relish the silence. Breathe deeply in this space that is mine.

But today was one of the former, not the latter. And with that, I give you Ben Harper, Another Lonely Day (mp3). I know it comes and goes, and that in the end, it will all be ok. Just let me have my moments, alright?

Better Late to the Party than Never!

I love my best friend:

c: the band yo la tengo? they have an album called I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass.
c: hahahahahaha
j: i AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
j: i want that song! i really like yo la tengo
c: I do too, hahaha
j: just got into them...
c: hahaha we are apparently late to the party, but whatever.
j: yeah we are. ive always been late to the party, though, man, so im used to it by now!!
j: in fact, this is as early as i have shown up EVER since ive been on hype
j: im only fashionably late instead of arriving the next day

yeah, better late than never, I guess! ;)

Channeling energy into Creative Endeavours

Song in progress: "Breathlessly Waiting":

breathless
by Jennifer Wilde, copyright 2006

VERSE 1:
we talk in tongues and lips
singing each others praises
your breath and mine intertwined
you pine away the days
you are breathlessly waiting

speak to me so i can hear you
sing to me so i can feel you
sigh to my cheek, in my ear
let me know you are here
I am breathlessly waiting

CHORUS:
breathless breathless
breathless breathless

VERSE 2:
we two are two close strings
resonating in sympathetic vibration
we two are too close, yet not touching
wavering, trembling
and breathlessly waiting

bridge:
waiting for an outward sign
some oracle with prescient mind
to tell us what we will find

waiting for the right time
waiting for the right word
growing hungry with the waiting

VERSE 3:
we are in explicably drawn
like moths dancing round the same flame
wings and limbs entwined
drawn to the light and heat again and again
we are breathlessly waiting

breathlessly waiting

Change of Scenery is what I need

I want to wake up somewhere new
Sunlight streaming in through a different window
Unfamiliar street sounds gently greeting
Stretch and look outside in the silence

I want to wake up beside someone new
See a different face smiling at me
Unfamiliar eyes and arms and skin
On sheets and under blankets

I want to breathe the air anew
Feel the wind change direction
Bringing warmth instead of ice
Invigorating, caressing, inviting

[listening to: Rilo Kiley "More Adventurous"]

In Spite of it All

Sometimes we make choices in the face of everything that tells us not to. Like having children in times as unsettling and uncertain as these. Like sharing our heart, our feelings, in the face of our fear. That's why I've chosen this song for today:

Caruso Sings - Inglistown [cover of Everything but the Girl]
(do you recognize that girl singing backup?)

Some of my favorite lines of all times are in that song:

If I only do one thing, I'll sing songs to my father
I'll sing songs to my child...

This is why I create music, why I sing. Because in the face of everything, sometimes its all I can do.

Movement. Change. Shake up. Big stuff is afoot. No idea how this will all end, but then where would be the fun in that? Feeling more light-hearted than ever before. Secure in myself, my judgement. Secure in my feelings. Trusting in myself.

Clarity.... ahhhhhh! Sweet clarity. A blessed breath of fresh air.

Excited to get back on track with music now that Mark is back from vacation. Raring to go, to finish the album. Still getting new ideas, jotting them all down. Fodder for next album, I'm sure ;)

Released new version of web site last week:
http://www.liquidstatemusic.com

Go go go! :)