Cello Madness at the Makeout Room

I've seen quite a lot of concerts over the years, at both small and large venues. Last month I attended Cello Madness at the Makeout Room in San Francisco (in the Mission District). It was an event very unlike most concerts, and one I am going to see again.

I walked in and four cellists and a violinist were setting up chairs in a circle in the middle of the club. The audience was arrayed around them. The whole event had the feeling of being in on a working session. Each player was asked to lead a song, to give a theme and a key. None of the music was rehearsed. Each piece had its own color and tone. There were elements of classical music, of country, of Irish, and of modern music. Other musicians trickled in: three more cellists, another violinist and an upright bassist. More chairs were found, the circle widened, the music broadened.

I walked away feeling very inspired. I hope I get to a point where I could plug into a circle of cellists and be able to hold my own. Here are some recordings I made with my iPhone:



contrast-and-dissonance.aiff (one of my faves)
funk-sparkle-foreplay.aiff (named for words shouted from the audience)
happiness-and-sadness.aiff
Perpetual-motion.aiff
pizzicato.aiff
d-and-c.aiff
getting-in-the-mood.aiff

There is another night of cello madness tomorrow night, April 27, again at the Makeout Room. I hope you can join me there!

My name is Calypso

This Suzanne Vega song came up on shuffle. I performed this song with my friend Leslie, LONG time ago at an SSG company retreat. Those were the days! Each year we had a retreat, and the retreat included a talent show. We had some very talented folks, and I was pleased to get the opportunity to get up on stage with a friendly audience.

Leslie played guitar and I sang. I was very nervous. Hearing the song today, I am reminded of that moment. I also remember I was at a dark place in my life, although not as dark as recent years.

What I take away from the song now is the beauty of the protagonist, and the strength she showed in letting this man go, even though it would mean she would be alone again. I get pictures in my head of garden islands on the sea, a woman on the shore, standing in the wind. I might be inspired to paint that scene, in my copious spare time ;)

Calypso
by Suzanne Vega

My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
And I waken to the dawn
A long time ago
I watched him struggle with the sea
I knew that he was drowning
And I brought him into me
Now today
Come morning light
He sails away
After one last night
I let him go.


My name is Calypso
My garden overflows
Thick and wild and hidden
Is the sweetness there that grows
My hair it blows long
As I sing into the wind
My name is Calypso
And I have lived alone
I live on an island
I tell of nights
Where I could taste the salt on his skin


Salt of the waves
And of tears
And though he,pulled away
I kept him here for years
I let him go


My name is Calypso
I have let him go
In the dawn he sails away
To be gone forever more
And the waves will take him in again
But he'll know their ways now
I will stand upon the shore
With a clean heart


And my song in the wind
The sand will sting my feet
And the sky will burn
It's a lonely time ahead
I do not ask him to return
I let him go
I let him go

Save Me - k.d. lang

This song came on this morning as I was getting ready for work, I haven't heard it in a couple years. It has such a languid guitar, and her vocals are sooo smooth. Lyrics are good too :)

Save Me
k.d. lang
(save me mp3)

Save me
Save me from you
But pave me
The way to you
Lead me upon the captive free
Gracious and tame like love can be
Lead me upon

Spoil me
Spoil me with you
And sell me with the world of you
Watch over me with a mother's eyes
Judging my worth only to glorify
Watch over me


Save me save me
Save me save me
Carry
Carry me through
And bury all my doubts of you
Clothe my desire with spell or prayer
I'll shroud every sign of need I swear
Clothe my desire

Save me save me
Save me save me
Save me save me
Save me save me

how will you go

Listening to Crowded House:

How Will You Go
by Crowded House
(mp3)

scape is on your mind again
Escape to a far away land
At times it seems there is no end
To long hard nights of drinking

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

I fell over on the couch again
But you know not all sleep is wasted
Your dreams are alcohol inspired
I can't find a better way to face it

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

And you know, I'll be fine
Just don't ask me how it's going
Gimme time, gimme time
'Cos I want you to see
'Round the world, 'round the world
Is a tangled up necklace of pearls

How will you go, how will you go
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up, cover it up
I'll find you a shelter to sleep in

i love portishead

Someone new is following me on twitter. That person has a Portishead video which started playing when I went to their site.

watch the video

We suffer everyday, what is it for
These crowns of illusion, are fooling us all
And now I am weary and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

The size of our fight, it's just a dream
We've crushed everything I can see, in this morning selfishly
How we've failed and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

Now that we've chosen to take all we can
The shade of autumn, a stale bitter end
Years of frustration lay down side by side

And it's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart
It's only you, who can tear me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

solstice 2008

I got up before dawn (which is easy to do in winter) and drove to SF to watch the sun rise. As I drove across the bridge, I felt a smile emerge. It's good to be up early!

iTunes obliged with several songs around dawn/day/light/:

Beautiful Dawn by the Wailing Jennys (video)
Today by Talk Talk (video)
Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park (video)
Persistance of Memory by Afro Celt Soundsystem (video)
Half-Life by Duncan Sheik (video)
Ya Viene El Sol by Ozomatli (video)



I arrived in SF and pulled over on the Embarcadero at 722 am, exactly when the sunrise was supposed to occur. I walked out on the pier next to Red's Java House, and saw that the cloud bank to the south was obscuring the dawn. Would the sun emerge in time for me to see it?

I sat at the end of the pier and thought about those early Pagans who would await the sun on the solstice. I thought about the darkness in my life over the past couple years. I decided I was ready for the light to come back to me.

The sun rose, shining brighter than I ever remember. It made me happy. I turned, and headed back to my car to drive to work.

Its a new day. I am ready. And the light has returned.

music: alt 80s tribute night

I saw Japanese Baby (Cure tribute band) and Reptile House (Sisters of Mercy tribute band) at the Stork Club last night with my friend and music partner, Rip Reed. It was super fun; I would definitely see them again. Also kicked butt on the one game of pool I played (yeah! still got it! ;)

Here are some clips from the show:

Japanese Baby #1
Japanese Baby #2
Japanese Baby #3
Japanese Baby #4

Reptile House #1
Reptile House #2

Find out more:
Japanese Baby myspace page
Reptile House myspace page

passing on my love of music to my son

I've been wanting to get Sky into some musical lessons for the last year or so. Now I finally have the brain power to think about this and get it in our schedule. He initially wanted to play guitar, and I'm wondering if that is too advanced for him (he is 6). I want to foster a life-long love of music in him, and I don't want to frustrate him early on.

I read this article which seemed to present a lot of different opinions, good perspectives:
http://ask.metafilter.com/89630/Help-me-pick-the-best-first-instrument-for-a-very-small-6-year-old

Looks like my options are:
1. kid's size guitar (hopefully good enough quality to keep for a while)
2. ukulele (same tuning, smaller, easier to play)

I just bought a mandolin (why? it was a deal, and I'm sure I'll find some use for it). I could get him on that, but apparently it is tuned like a violin, which I don't know if it would be confusing or not.

I have a keyboard at home as well, which is another option. I think what I am going to do is dedicate some time to play around on different instruments and see which one he is more inclined to pick up. I welcome any thoughts on this!

You Wouldn't Like Me

Listening to a coworker's iTunes album, doing mindless work. This song made me smile:

You Wouldn't Like Me
by Tegan and Sara

There's a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak and write
A new broken song?
Do I push it down?
Or let it run me right into the ground?

Oh I, I feel like
I wouldn't like me if I met me

Well I can't stop talking for fear
Of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven't called me in weeks and
Honestly, it's bringing me down

Oh, I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me

And don't you worry, there's still time
Don’t you worry, there’s still time

There’s nothing to live for
When I'm sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside in
Hopes that the glare will bring you around

I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me

So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time
So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time
So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time

Sunshine is days away
I won't be saved, I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever
Sunshine is days away
I won't be saved, I know all the words
I won't say that I'll love you forever

the Language of Birds & the Extra Action Marching Band

When I have the day to myself, I tend to get a bit restless. So I headed out to SF to catch the unveiling of an art installation called "the Language of Birds" by Brian Goggins and Dorka Keen, on the corner of Broadway and Columbus.

It was great to be out and to be present at the unveiling of a new urban art piece. There was live music (didn't catch the first band's name) consisting of a string quartet and a pair of singers. Former mayor Willie Brown was present, as were several City officials.

The art piece itself was a combination of words in the pavement (taken from about 90 books reflecting the cultural heritage of both North Beach and Chinatown) and lighted books suspended from wires above, open like birds taking flight. The piece is amazing, technically and visually. It uses LED lights, running on an array of solar panels on the roof of the City Lights bookstore, and has a net zero carbon footprint.

Dorka said in her speech "The language of birds teaches us about the mysteries of life, and unveils the truth". She talked about reconnecting to that wisdom, having that reminder on our streets.

The unveiling of the piece was tricky. Each book was covered in black cloth, with a strap and metal ring hanging down. Each book had to be uncovered separately. The lovely ladies of the Extra Action Marching Band did their best to unconver the art, but there were a couple of snags. The cover of one of the highest books got caught on the book itself. The artist, Brian Goggins, climbed an impossibly high ladder (to the baited breath of the audience) to wrest the cloth from the piece.

Afterwards, the Extra Action Marching Band had an impromptu dance party in a little niche off of Columbus. Here are some clips from their performance:

extra-action-1-nov23.aiff
extra-action-2-nov23.aiff
extra-action-3-nov23.aiff

Good time was had by all. And I am glad I went!

music: aurora borealis

Tonight I'm hosting my nephew for a sleepover. The boys are downstairs playing while the muffins we made together are cooling. On iTunes, I am playing the mix CD I made for D's 40th birthday. I haven't listened to these in about a year. Right now, C.W. McCall is playing. Its a great spoken word bit, totally in contrast to his big hit "Convoy". Very reflective and a bit profound.


Aurora Borealis
by C.W. McCall
(dowmload MP3)

One night last summer we were camped at ten thousand feet up where the air is
clear, high in the Rockies of Lost Lake, Colorado. And as the fire burned low
and only a few glowing embers remained, we laid on our backs all warm in our
sleeping bags and looked up at the stars.

And as I felt myself falling into the vastness of the Universe, I thought about
things, and places, and times.

I thought about the time my grandma told me what to say when I saw the evening
star. You know, Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I
may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

The air is crystal-clear up here; that's why you can see a million stars.

I remember a time a bunch of us were in a canyon of the Green River in Wyoming;
it was a night like this. And we had our rafts pulled up on the bank an' turned
over so we could sleep on 'em, and one of the guys from New York said, "Hey!
Look at the smog in the sky! Smog clear out here in the sticks!" And somebody
said, "Hey, Joe, that's not smog; that's the Milky Way."

Joe had never seen the Milky Way.

And we saw the Northern Lights once, in the Bitterroot Mountains of Montana.
They're like flames from some prehistoric campfire, leaping and dancing in the
sky and changing colors. Red to gold, and blue to violet... Aurora Borealis.
It's like the equinox, the changing of the seasons. Summer to fall, young to
old, then to now. And then tomorrow...

And then everyone was asleep, except me. And as I saw the morning star come up
over the mountains, I realized that life is just a collection of memories. And
memories are like starlight: they go on forever.

lovely day. new music!

Had a very nice morning with my favorite guy :) then he came with me to my cello lesson, where I played everything in Book 1. I'm on to Book 2!! I faced off with a 6.5 year old cello player (my teacher's daughter) and didn't do too shabbily. Although at the end, she told my son "I play better than your mom" Jeez, its a good thing I don't have any ego attached to my cello playing ;)

Then there was the blessingway for Christine, which was so lovely! Nice being surrounded by all the beautiful women in my community.

I took myself to Amoeba Music, where I bought too many CDs. I was really all over the map this time:

Sigu Ros: Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust
Iron & Wine: Our Endless Numbered Days
Linkin Park: Miles to Midnight
Linkin Park: Hybrid Theory
Peter Bjorn and John: Writer's Block
Delerium: the Best of
Sarah McLauchlan: afterglow
Emiliana Torrini: Me and Armini
Shiny Toy Guns: Season of Poison
Thom Yorke: The Eraser
The Pixies: Doolittle

this is just a tribute

I can't explain why I like Tenacious D. I mean, I like it because they are both actually talented musicians, plus the music totally pokes fun of and at the same time honors heavy metal music.

Tribute is my favorite song by them, and a great song overall. The video is one of my top 10 favorite videos of all time. Seriously. Must be watched to be believed. The first time I laughed so hard, I almost choked.

Tribute video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcJwz7wu8_s

I'm usually so serious about music. This is a nice break from all that :)

i'm an adult now

Thought of this song today, sign of the times, I guess:

I'm Adult Now
by the Pursuit of Happiness
(mp3)

Well, I don't hate my parents
I don't get drunk just to spite them
I got my own reasons to drink now
I think I'll call my dad up and invite him!
I can sleep in till noon any time I want
Though there's not many days that I do
Gotta get up and take on that world
When you're an adult, it's no cliche, it's the truth

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

I can't even look at young girls anymore
People will think I'm some kind of pervert
Adult sex is either boring or dirty
Young people, they can get away with murder
I don't write songs about girls anymore
I have to write songs about women
No more boy meets girl, boy loses girl
More like man tries to understand out what the Hell went wrong
(ed: this is SO me)

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I got the problems of an adult now
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now, I'm adult now

I can't take any more illicit drugs
I can't afford any artificial joy
I'd sure look like a fool dead in a ditch somewhere
With a mind full of chemicals
Like some cheese-eating high school boy

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

Sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts
And I guess it won't be long
'Til I'm sitting in a room with a bunch
Of people whose necks and backs are aching
Whose sight and hearing's failing
Who just can't seem to get it up
Speaking of hearing, I can't take too much loud music
I mean I like to play it, but I sure don't like the racket
Noise, but I can't hear anything
Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming
Some guy screaming in a leather jacket
Whoaah!

I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoudlers
I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and my libido
I'm an adult now

i don't care if you don't and i don't want it if you don't

"Let me take your hands, I'm shaking like milk..."

Ahhhhh I forgot how much I like the Cure. One of my favorite songs is 10:15 Saturday Night. The lyrics are so-so, but the song itself is great.

There are others, lots of others. I'll have to post up some MP3s.

No on Prop 8: Don't take people's dreams away

I heard that Vienna Teng wrote the song "City Hall" after San Francisco legalized gay marriage. It reminds me of the battle waging now, and how close it is. And how dare some people take away the dreams and rights of people they deem "unworthy".

Please support No on Prop 8. I donated this week, its not too late!

Vienna Teng
City Hall
(download mp3)

Me and my baby on a February holiday
'Cause we got the news
Yeah we got the news
500 miles and we're gonna make it all the way
We got nothing to lose
We got nothing to lose

Been ten years waiting
but it's better late then never
we've been told before
We can't wait one minute more


Oh me and my baby driving down
to a hilly seaside town in the rainfall
Oh me and my baby stand in line
you never seen a sight so fine
as the love that's gonna shine at city hall

Me and my baby been through a lot of good and bad
Learned to kiss the sky
Made our mamas cry
Seen a lot of friends after giving it all they had
lay down and die
lay down and die
Ten years into it
here's our window at the Vegas drive-thru chapel
Ain't to much for 'em all to handle



Outside they're handing out donuts and pizza pies
for the folks in pairs
in their folding chairs
My baby's looking so damn pretty with those anxious eyes
rain-speckled hair
and my ring to wear
Ten years waiting for this moment of fate
when we say the words and sign our names
If they take it away again someday
this beautiful thing won't change

this is where

nice talk tonight about boundaries, expectations, fears, past experiences. where he is at, where i am at, where are we in all this.

how familiar these conversations seem. yes, i am aware of the cyclical nature of my life. recurring themes, as it were. cropping up again.

just before going to bed, i head downstairs to check on my son's music. He is asleep while the Wailin Jennys play "This is Where" (download mp3):

The wind howls 'cross the ice floes
Send the frozen snow skimming
A river on a river hardened over
It doesn't know the way it's going
Is it north or south or westward
It just glides across the shoreline 'til it's over

You came for me in fast forward
On a claim for something ordered
A way through and past the history that held you
I'd tell my own story through you
Tell it loud to never lose you
A moth caught be the flame it could cannot measure
And there we go again, wishing something bolder
Trying to push and pull inside this moment
Trying to mold this life within our hands

This is where the whole world keeps on turning
This is where we come undone...undone

Will they measure me by branches
Count the rings and take my ashes
Mark the ground where I fell and carry on
Or will we bite against the silence
Fill our days with noise and violence
Not recognize our hearts when we are done

There we'll go again wishing something bolder
Trying to push and pull inside this moment
Trying to mold this life within our hands

This is where the whole world keeps on turning
This is where we come undone

We don't know where it's going
Is it north or south or westward
Just glide across the shoreline til its over... til its over... over

central reservation

Saw the movie "Duchess" tonight with my wonderful sister-in-law. Afterwards we had a couple glasses of wine, it was nice to be out, sociable.

On my way home I was listening to "Central Reservation" by Beth Orton, and it got me thinking. Its been a really rough couple of years. I've had two relationships since I separated from D and I'm finally at a place where I am making my own life, instead of waiting for someone else with whom to make a life. Bittersweet, really.

And as I stood on my deck tonight, looking over the lights of the houses in Montclair and the bay, I wonder... do you still think of me, in the small hours when you are alone?

Central Reservation
by Beth Orton
mp3

Running down the central reservation
In last night's red dress
And I can still smell you on my fingers
And taste you on my breath

Stepping through brilliant shades
Of the color you bring
This time, this time, this time
Is whatever I want it to mean

If this is where memories are made, well
Gonna like what I see
And everything I ever took for granted
I'm gonna let it be
I step through every shade
Of the color you bring
But this time, this time, this time
Is whatever I want it to mean

And everything and nothing is
As sacred as we want it to be
When it's real. Make it real
Compared to what?

It's like living in the middle of the ocean
With no future, no past
And everything that's good about now
Might just glide right past
I'm stepping through brilliant shades
All the color you bring
This time, ths time, this time
Is fine just as it is

And everything is sacred here
And nothing is as sacred as I want it to be
When it's real
Compared to what?

songs for D

The new Genius function on iTunes: I've only used it once, but I was impressed with the selection. We'll see how it functions over time.

Heard these two songs and thought of D:

Neverending Math Equation
by Sun Kil Moon
mp3
Favorite lines:
I am the same as I was six years old
Oh my god I feel so old

Heal Over
by KT Tunstall
mp3

video: I'm going to make it through this year, if it kills me

This kinda puts it all in perspective for me.


Mountain Goats: This Year
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYCzDhaRV60)

Many thanks to Tracey for sharing that with me.

This is the song that D played for me. The video really is poignant.


Mountain Goats: No Children
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYcmbtGgi6Q)

"I hope you die. I hope we both die."

music: tear in your hand

This song still moves me when I hear it. So many break ups have taken me to this place. Once again, the whole world is dangling...

Tear in Your Hand
by Tori Amos

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together any more
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king

Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving cause
Me and charles manson like the same ice cream
I think its that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

Maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up
Every time I touch you

Maybe its time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
Well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could've never been
So you say and I say you know you're full of wish
And your baby baby baby babies
I tell you there's pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe shes just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
Tear in your hand
That tear in your hand

RIP: Lana Scatena

My dear friend Gina's mother Lana passed away last night, from lung cancer. Her family was around her when she drew her last breath.

Today Russ (Gina's husband) asked me if I would sing at her funeral. I am very honored to do so. He asked me to sing Wishing You were Somehow Here Again (from the Phantom of the Opera) and as soon as I heard it, I understood.

Of course, when Sarah Brightman sings it, she sings in high soprano. But I found a site that has digital sheet music you can transpose online and buy. I've already gone through the song a few times and its singable. I'm nervous, but its the least I can do for my very dear friends and their family.

Wishing You were Somehow Here Again
by Andrew Lloyd Weber

You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .

Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .

Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .

Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .

No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say
goodbye.

movie: the red violin

Since I started playing the cello this year, this movie caught my eye. I picked it up at my local library. It tells the complex story of a very special violin, one that spans 400 years, from Europe to Asia, to America. From its passionate beginnings to suspenseful end, I found myself wondering what the final fate of this instrument might be.

And to think I almost returned it before I watched it!


The Red Violin

charlotte sometimes: a reunion

Its my 20th year high school reunion; I graduated a year early at age 17. The fact that I am going, and looking forward to going (with my dear dear friend Russ, yay!!) is a minor miracle.

There was much darkness in my early school years. Lots of therapy in the past few years has shed light on what happened, and healed that place in me. I even wrote a song about the process, called Unraveling (check out Unraveling on my music site).

This reminisce started tonight, when "Charlotte Sometimes" came up on iTunes. I loved that song in high school. All the Cure songs resonated with that deeply wounded part of myself.

It also made me remember my 10 year reunion, how scared I was to go. I listened to Tori Amos songs on the way up, raw and jagged in my emotionally fragile state. I started drinking early and too much. Poor D had to take care of me. The funny thing is that I was so busy trying not to fall into a timewarp to my younger self, that I couldn't see people for who they were in the present time.

I listen to the song now and it tells the story of a sad girl who wanted for so long to wake up in a different

Charlotte Sometimes
the Cure
(listen to mp3)

all the faces
all the voices blur
change to one face
change to one voice
prepare yourself for bed
the light seems bright
and glares on white walls
all the sounds of
charlotte sometimes
into the night with
charlotte sometimes

night after night she lay alone in bed
her eyes so open to the dark
the streets all looked so strange
they seemed so far away
but charlotte did not cry

the people seemed so close
playing expressionless games
the people seemed
so close
so many
other names...

sometimes i'm dreaming
where all the other people dance
sometimes i'm dreaming
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i'm dreaming
expressionless the trance
sometimes i'm dreaming
so many different names
sometimes i'm dreaming
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
she hopes to open shadowed eyes
on a different world
come to me
scared princess
charlotte sometimes

on that bleak track
(see the sun is gone again)
the tears were pouring down her face
she was crying and crying for a girl
who died so many years before...

sometimes i dream
where all the other people dance
sometimes i dream
charlotte sometimes
sometimes i dream
the sounds all stay the same
sometimes i'm dreaming
there are so many different names
sometimes i dream
sometimes i dream...

charlotte sometimes crying for herself
charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself
but it's always with love
with so much love it looks like
everything else
of charlotte sometimes
so far away
glass sealed and pretty
charlotte sometimes

dr horrible: funny stuff

Sometimes, time spent online seems so ... pointless and time consuming.

And then you find Dr Horrible:



Laughed my a$$ off. Hey, Neil Patrick Harris has a good voice! :)

custom love songs

I... really don't know what to say about this. The song I am listening to is simply awful. I know the beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but... no.

http://www.tailoredmusic.com

dear god.

ask and you shall receive

The dark lord (TDL) and my best friend (MBF) came over to my house last night and I had a lovely time with both of them. TDL helped me get my studio working (the culprits: one bad USB cable, one bad mic cable, one spazzy audio interface) There is still a high pitched whine, but its not audible on recording, just in the headphones.

So now I can start working on music at home again :)

ALSO I helped create an animated presentation (basically a two minute ad) for my company, to be shown the exec team today. I did some design and scored the music. It was SO FUN. Made with Soundtrack (Apple) and its basic loops.

Okay universe, thank you!!

I had a dream about you last night

We were giggling together, like children.
I turned away to catch my breath.
You came up behind me (I could feel you smiling)
and whispered in my ear a question
to which I replied a single word:

"music"

We both became hushed.

your myspace comments won't save you

I downloaded this song a few months ago. It amused me then and still does :)

Your MySpace Comments Won't Save You
by Dustin and the Furniture

source
(which also features songs titled "Look Who Got a Website" and "I Started a Blog Nobody Read")

I miss making music

I had some words float into my head today, took note on my iPhone. I've stalled out getting my studio together. Sigh.

Big Deal

Listening to a song by Everything but the Girl that I've never heard. I swear to god. How did it get into my iTunes?

Big Deal

You don't know what's wrong, you only know it isn't right.
You don't remember for how long, but you wake in tears at night.
Big deal.
Big deal.

You spend four nights a week now looking for your inner child.
What you gonna say when you find him?
Suppose you don't like him or he doesn't like you?
Suppose once you wake him up he won't go back to bed and wants to stay up late
Watching TV?
But you say there must be some reason why you feel this way.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?

You say you wanna get cured, you wanna turn off your head.
Oh and you say it hurts, and you feel unsure.
First you doubt yourself and then you doubt her.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way I feel.
Big deal, what she think she feels?
What is it you wanna feel?
I don't think you wanna feel

Walk Away

Spent a very lovely evening showing my new friend Catherine around SF. Tomorrow she heads back to her home in Montreal.

On the way home, I put the iPhone on shuffle and got this song:

"Walk Away"
by Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

CHORUS
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

CHORUS

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

CHORUS

Closing in

I debated whether or not to go to the cocktail networking function after the conference today. I'm glad I did. Met a whole bunch of Canadians (and a midwesterner) and took them to the Globe. I think they were suitable impressed :) I have had a lot of good memories at that restaurant. D used to take me there when I got back from traveling to the midwest to remind me of why I live in San Francisco. They have excellent food, and they server dinner late (open until 1am on weekdays). They are known among restaurant folk as a good after-work place.

Back in my house in the hills. I stood on the deck and smoked a clove cigarette, the spice lingering on my tongue, a smile on my lips. The mist closing in on my house, making things seems cosy in the dark. A nice night.

Closing In
by Imogen Heap
mp3

I can't wait
To be with you
No I just can't sit still,
Are we there yet?
Takes me back,
I remember
Such a magical place
It was all you...

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way

Frame by frame,
Red speed ahead
A city dissolving,
The threat of your love in the headlights
Is it safe now?
Will your arms be open?
I just have to kiss you,
Try and stop me

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in
It’s all that I want in the whole world
Closing in
Please be there, please be there

What are you like?
Where did you get to?
No word no nothing
You didn't hold me, for any longer
Did you walk for the fear of love?
Or don't you believe enough?
Well I'll cover both of us
You can leave that to me!

Closing in
I hope that you make it
Closing in
I hope that you find your way
Closing in...closing in...

no mistakes, no misbehaving

Another nice track by Imogen Heap on her album "Speak for Yourself".

The Walk
by Imogen Heap

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze or make it forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

Liquid State on Awful Snacks and Chillcast podcasts

When I first saw the name of the blog, I had a moment of concern that we would be panned. But nothing of the sort happened. Take a listen:

Site: http://www.thamike.com/awfulshow/awfulsnacks.php
Show 55b: http://recordings.talkshoe.com/TC-26831/TS-118271.mp3

Hey! The guy running the show mentioned that I started with Love Spirals Downwards. Yeah!! :)

Then we also got on the Chillcast. Anji Bee has great taste in music and featured Lost on a previous Chillcast. I'm looking forward to listening to this one... when I'm not trying to rush to get out the door!

http://www.anjibee.com/2008/06/01/chillcast-114-melou-cd-contest/

I also just recently sent out an announcement that our album is on iTunes:
http://www.liquidstatemusic.com/email/LS_announce.html

The Girl and the Sea

This song came up on my iPod, and I swear I have never heard it before (although it already has a star rating... so I guess I am going senile).

I want to do an acoustic version of this song.

the Girl and the Sea
by the Presets
(m4p: not sure if you can play this)

Tonight the
tonight the hills are watching her
as she runs towards the sea
yeah she runs so she'll be free

And of all the friends and enemies shes made along the way
they are no where in her thoughts
as she dives beneath the waves

And he's the one that you've seen sometimes on tv
and his shirt is on the ground
while he's tackled by police
and the parcel that he throws across the bridge into the creek
it'll flow towards the sea
it will meet with her tommorow

No place,
some time
we'll clear
our eyes
and when
you're down
i'll come around

And all the
places shes been along the way
flames are licken at their walls
night glows with their remains

From far away the animals come gather round to see
but she knows not how they feel
and she knows not what it means

When she was young we'd ask her what she'd like to be
and she'd close her eyes and dream...

...now we're no where in her thoughts
as she dives beneath the waves.

A place
I've found
could be
all ours
but I've seen
where you
would rather be.

27 Jennifers

I love this song. Sure go ahead, call me narcissistic ;) Its just that I was born on the 27th and am struck by coincidences.

http://www.mikedoughty.com/music/lyrics/121

27 Jennifers
Album: Golden Delicious

I went to school with 27 Jennifers
16 Jenns, 10 Jennies, and then there was her

Mmm, yeah!

You might be the one that I’ve been seeking for
You might be the strange delightful
You might be the girlie who shall end all girls
You might be the sweet unspiteful

I rode the bus with 27 Jennifers
16 Jenns, 10 Jennies, throwing shade at her

Ask for what you want!

Laughed my ass off reading this ad for musicians on craigslist. Hell, I didn't even know you could put this in an ad:

"personality wise, looking for someone who's really into making music but not some total freak that's a pain in the ass and insane. "

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/muc/674934363.html

Audition: what songs?

I may be auditioning for OmniCircus, which would be awesome. When I did my year of private lessons with Eleanor, my initial goal was to get together an audition tape for Cirque du Soleil. I got pregnant early on in the lessons, and never got the demo tape together.

So now I've been asked to prepare three one minute excerpts from songs to demonstrate versatility. So much music, what should I do?

After examining my library, here is my initial picks. Although I'm already having second thoughts.

Song #1
Dead Can Dance: Song for the dispossessed, last verse:

The earth is our mother
She taught us to embrace the light
Now the lord is master
She suffers an eternal night

You blocked up my ears
You plucked out my eyes
You cut out my tongue
You fed me with lies

Oh lord
Oh lord


Song #2
Tori Amos: Leather (:05 - 1:10)

Song #3
Sheila Chandra: waiting (2:16 - 3:16)
- start with low chant (one time)
blood red lullabye is rocking my throat
my whole being trembles in dumb mimicry
in dumb mimicry
to echo and to savor every sound that you utter
to echo and to savor every sound that you utter
to echo (one tone, trail off)

another good mix

That ipod, its pretty good sometimes :) Here is a mix I heard Friday on the way to acupuncture, been meaning to post it. If I get around to it, I'll actually post a ZIP of the songs. Perhaps someone could request it? :)

Long Goodbye - The Thompson Twins
What Does Your Sould Look Like (Part 2)
Tomorrow - Theivery Corporation
Undertow - Suzanne Vega
Too Soon - eastmountainsouth
Look What You've Done - JET
Morning Song - Zero7
Mother Nature's Son - The Beatles
Penitent - Suzanne Vega
Understand - Radio Iodine
Look Up - Zero7

I don't know you

I'm just now getting around to listening to Kate Havnevik's Melankton album. I had heard one track, "Nowhere Warm" courtesy of Hype Machine. Over a year later, I picked up the CD at Amoeba. Nowhere Warm is still my favorite track so far (hard to beat a song with emotional ties) but I just heard this one, which is also very good:


I Don't Know You
by Kate Havnevik
(mp3)

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.

The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

Getting back in the game

I answered an ad on craigslist, one of about twenty or thirty I have answered in the last year. This one was pretty straightforward: male singer/songwriter looking for female singer for one of his tracks. He emailed back and it looks like its a go for me to record one track next Sunday.

http://www.myspace.com/craigzaretsky

I will be singing the track Evil Eyes. I should be getting lyrics soon. I think my voice is very similar to his, so it should be a good fit.

It will be good to get back in the studio (as my home studio is on hold until I can get some assistance setting it up). Perhaps it will kick my butt in gear to start seriously writing again. Not that I haven't been writing, but its been more bits and pieces. I haven't forced myself to sit down and work out a song in what feels like a long time.

Have You Got it In You

Another GREAT track from Imogen Heap. I bought her second album and have been listening to it over and over and over...

Best part:

All at once, not a whisper, nor word.
Then all at once...
Let me have it all, let me have a battle on,
Easy target,
Look can we just...just get it over with.
It's getting worse, against all the odds...
It's getting worse.
(Guard down, floor's yours, last man standing can we, just get it over with.)


That woman can see into my brain, I tell you. She inspires me to get writing again.

Say Goodnight and Go

The other day S texted me to say he was in town and I told him I hope he has a good week. Its strange for me, to be drawing hard lines. To break the ties that bind. But I think its a step in the right direction, honoring myself and my intentions and not settling for second place.

I'm sorry, I told you I loved you and you think we can be just friends now? I don't think so.

I used to feel guilty about that. Now I don't. My mother told me on Sunday that my dad tried to pull that on her the month before they were married. He wanted to call it off and just be friends. She said no, and went to a bar to get drown her sorrows. He came and found her and took it all back.


Say Goodnight and Go
by Imogen Heap (mp3)

Say goodnight and go.

Skipping beats,
Blushing cheeks.
I am... struggling..
Daydreaming,
Bed scenes in... the corner cafe
And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic... tremblings
You get me every time.

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you..
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Follow you home,
You've got your headphones on
And you're dancing
Got lucky;
Beautiful shot:
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains wide open
And you're following the same routine;
Flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone..

Oh, why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

One of these days,
You'll miss your train,
And come stay with me...
{It's always say goodnight and go}
We'll have drinks,
And talk about things and,
Any excuse to stay awake with you...
You'd sleep here,
I'd sleep there,
But then the heating may be down again,
At my convenience...
We'd be good,
We'd be great together...

Go (sigh)
{Instrumental pause}

Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.

Why's it always always:
goodnight and go?
Oh, Darling not again,
Goodnight and... go...

giving myself musical credit where credit is due

I had a cello lesson today! And although it was frustrating and difficult, I got some great stuff out of it. She asked me how it was that I knew how to read and write music. I mentioned that I had piano lessons when I was 8 years old or so. She said that was remarkable that I still knew how to read and write music after all that time.

But later on I realize that I was selling myself short. I tend to do that. In music, I think of myself as a relative newbie. But check this out:

8 years old:
piano lessons 1-2 years, (didn't practice much)

elementary school:
played flute in band one year (didn't do well enough to continue on)

middle school:
choir 1 year, sang competitively once, won top prize and had a command performance recital.

college:
private vocal lessons for 1 year, plus singing class
composition class for 1 semester (probably where all the music writing came back)

pregnant with my son
singing lessons for 1 year


So you see, its not such a stretch that I would find my way back to music, or know enough to write. And the only one who is surprised is me :)

iron & wine sweetness

Sigh. I love this man's lyrics, his voice, his simple guitar melodies.

I wonder if I will hear this from my son, one day when he is grown.


Upward Over the Mountain
by Iron & Wine

Mother don't worry, I killed the last snake that lived in the creek bed
Mother don't worry, I've got some money I saved for the weekend
Mother remember being so stern with that girl who was with me?
Mother remember the blink of an eye when I breathed through your body?

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain

Mother I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison
Mother I lost it, all of the fear of the Lord I was given
Mother forget me now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
Mother forgive me, I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons could be birds, taken broken up to the mountain

Mother don't worry, I've got a coat and some friends on the corner
Mother don't worry, she's got a garden we're planting together
Mother remember the night that the dog had her pups in the pantry?
Blood on the floor, fleas on their paws,
And you cried 'til the morning

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons are like birds, flying always over the mountain

a very nice dream

I had an erotic dream last night. I was wearing my black leather corset, standing in front of a woman I used to date, not so long ago. She was smiling at me in a way that said "come play with me!" She looked so pretty and inviting, I had to have her. I unzipped my corset down the front, said something about being dirty. So she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the shower...

I woke up with a languid smile, just before the alarm went off. The radio was playing "Erotic City" but Prince. NICE!

Seed of a song

This morning, for the first time in many many months, I woke with a little melody tugging at my ear. I pushed snooze on my alarm clock, but the melody wouldn't let me go back to sleep. So at 6:09am, I got out of bed and went to my keyboard and wrote it down. Then I picked up my cello and found its voice. Its a small start, only a couple measures, but like a tiny sprout, it will grow.

Once

Watching the movie "once" now, about a singer/songwriter guitarist/street musician who meets a girl who can sing and play piano. And they write some songs together, and then end up recording. Mostly its about his songs, but there is a moment... a break in recording, and she finds a dark room with a piano. And he finds her and asks her to play him one of her songs. She demures, but he insists. And she sings a heartbreaking song, chokes in the middle and cannot go on.

"Did you write that for your husband?" (from whom she is separated)
"Yeah I did. And he hated it"
"He's an idiot"
"Yeah", she says, half-heartedly chuckling, "he's an idiot"

And she lays her head down on his shoulder. That's when I stopped to write this post.

This movie reminds me of how wonderful it is to collaborate with someone who truly gets you. How intimate an experience music making can be, as intimate as love-making.

The Hill
by Markéta Irglová

Looking up the hill tonight
When you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning

Where are you now, angel now
Don't you see me crying
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say your not trying
I'm on my knees in front of him
But he doesn't seem to see me
But all his troubles on his mind is looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down deciding is falling you
And I wished that you could see I have my troubles too

Lookin' at you sleeping
I'm with a man I know
I'm sitting here weeping while the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the mornin' I have to let you go
And you'll be just a man once I leave to know
For these past few days someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault
When will you realize

Lookin' at you leavin'
I'm looking for a sign

The last day of our acquaintance

My mind keeps wanting to see the world as dim and flat. My eyes tell me it is colorful and shiny. Why does the vortex want me to go down? What strange elemental power is this that wants to hold me back? My soul is stretched between sadness and hope. Blurred hues swim in tears. And then nothing.

Listened to this song three times in a row:

The Last Day of Our Acquaintance
by Sinead O'Connor
mp3

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love
Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

Make tomorrow today

First song of the day from iTunes. Reminds me of how I spent so much of last year praying for 2008 to come. Another beautiful song from Mr Gabriel, rich in texture, lyrically simple. Makes me want to put on my wedding dress, see myself in the mirror, get lost in the memories.

Make Tomorrow
by Peter Gabriel

Put on the dress in which you were married
Pull down the veil til your eyes are hid
Can you remember where we both came from
Let us do as we did

Look at tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

Put back the photo under your window
Put down the phone that you hold in your hand
Put away these things that stand in between us
Let us be what we can
When it seems
Hopeless
When it seems
Hopeless

Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow today

What better measure of what you were doing here
Then what you can leave behind
All the children of your children's children
Do you ever think what they're going to find
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the sacred meet the scared
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow
Where the dreamer's dream is dared

In each of us
A dream can burn like the sun
Let's try it all one more time
To get this lesson learned

Sitting up in a spaceship
Looking down at the earth
You wonder what they all stuggling for
What's it all really worth
Making tomorrow today
Making tomorrow today
Make tomorrow
Make tomorrow

I could have written this song last year

Monopoly
by Shawn Colvin

I don't know what else to do
I would rather do anything
Than write this song for you
And perpetuate this thing
In my head, in my living room
With the usual arsenal
Of broken chords and rusty strings
To surrender all


And I don't like to be so weak
Retreating behind these lines
The same old tongue-in-cheek
Regretting that both are mine
And I don't like to live this way
This is really true
But I know better than to pray now
About what I just have to learn to do
But imagine the nerve of God
Letting me let you in
And I thought I could let you go in grace
I've gotta think again


Because right now I would be bought
and sold
To see your face somewhere
I would sell your sweet soul
Just to touch your crazy black gold hair
I don't care what's really real
I was someone that you'd heard of
I saw heaven in your eyes
And we made a deal
And that's what I know of love


Music, it never goes
But I told you I hate that shit
When people say"well you know
You got a song out of it"
But I don't know what else to do
I would rather be anywhere
Than here without you

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive

Heard this song on someone's myspace page tonight. I need to get this, I think.

"Where Does the Good Go?"

-Tegan and Sara

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where do you go when your in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that your on your way down
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

it's love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

(guitar solo)

Look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me that you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

it's love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go
where does the good go

(look me in the eye)
where does the good go
(and tell me you dont find me attractive)
where does the good go
(look me in the heart)
where does the good go
(and tell me you wont go)
where does the good go
(look me in the eye)
where does the good go
(and promise no love is like our love)
where does the good go
(look me in the heart)
where does the good go
(and unbreak broken)
where does the good go
(it wont happen)

where does the good go?

Black is the color of my true love's hair

On shuffle again, and came across this song, which I didn't know I had. I don't have anything else by the artist, so it must be a hypemachine find. I haven't had time for that in forEVer!

Black is the Color
by Espers
(mp3)

Black is the color of my true love's hair
His face is like some wondrous fair
With the prettiest face and the neatest hands
I love the ground whereon he stands

I love my love
And well he knows
I love the ground whereon he goes
If you know ???
.....

I go to the Clyde for to mourn and weep
But satisfied I never can sleep
I'll write him a letter, just a few short lines
I'll suffer death one thousand times

Black is the color of my true love's hair
His face is like some wondrous fair
With the prettiest face and the neatest hands
I love the ground whereon he stands

good morning mix

Heal Over - KT Tunstall
Life's What You Make it - Talk Talk
Never Meant To - Radio Iodine
Gentle Moon - Sun Kil Moon
Somersault - Zero 7
Bells for Her - Tori Amos (live version on To Venus and Back)
Fumbling towards Ecstacy - Sarah MacLachlan
Illusory Me - Love Spirals Downwards
If I Fall - Aqualung
Sledgehammer - Peter Gabriel

mix CDs and neurochemistry

Ahhh yes. You know, I never made a mix tape, back in the day. I've always been a late bloomer, I guess. But here it is the '00s and I'm making mix CDs. I like to think I'm fairly good at it too, to someone who knows how to listen. I do know the power of music and I'm not afraid to use it!

Anyway, making a mix CD is indeed an art. I usually start with a goal: a feeling I want to evoke, a statement I want to express, or just a theme I want to share. Most of the times I will have at least one or two songs in mind when I begin. Then I go through my iTunes collection and start dumping everything into a bucket playlist. Once I have enough ideas, I go through the playlist, think more carefully about lyrics of each, weed out ones that don't fit. When I have roughly 15-20 songs, I start listening. My first pass is to listen to transitions (end of one song, beginning of another song) to get a first draft of the order. I also use the lyrics to shape the "story" I'm trying to tell.

A good mix CD might take just hours (if I have hours to devote) or it might take days. I generally try to listen to the whole thing in the car, that's the best. The logical brain has something to do (drive) and you are free to focus on the feelings, the journey.

Oh yeah, and when I really go all out (and when I don't get impatient) I design tray inserts :) Which is what I'm doing now. I did a little photo shoot for this particular CD, out near the Sutro baths. The sunset was incredible, the light was magical. I am SO GLAD I live here! 45 minutes and I'm at the ocean. If only I were closer (but I musn't be greedy ;)

Speaking of the power of the mix tape and music in general...

I just bought this book at the Lawrence Hall of Science gift store called "This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession". I took Skyler there (with my sister and nephew) on Saturday to see their "Wild Music" (initially I typed Wilde - ha!) exhibit. I enjoyed the exhibit overall. My favorite part was a jam room with intruments to play. Too bad the boys didn't want to stay there! I think the they were feeding off each other's kinetic energy. We bounced around from sstation to station like pinballs.

Anyway, the book. I'm such a geek, I see something like this and I immediately snatch it up. I'm so excited to find out what it is in our brains that is so susceptible to manipulation through music. Fascinating!

Ardor reissued!

I did a couple tracks with a band called Love Spirals Downwards, back in the early 90s. That album has now been reissued.

And here is a short review.

I'm very excited about the reissue. I signed up with BMI, so I feel all official :)

my therapist

I saw her last night, it was so funny. About midway through the session (I hadn't seen her for a month, went in for a "checkup") she laughed and said "well, what do you need me for?" I said "I don't know!" :) Things have been going so well lately. I mean, life is life and there are upsets, but I'm navigating the bumps in the road with more ease than ever in my life. Its wonderful.

When I got there, she told me that her album was in final mixing. This morning I saw her craigslist ad looking for band members, so I went to check out her myspace page:

http://myspace.com/kathleendunbarmusic

Very nice stuff! I'm going to get her album when its done.

She has been such a gift and a guide to me. Its so great to see this creative side of her.

On A Clear Day

PM Dawn On A Clear Day

Think I could find a better way,
find a sight to see
find a place that I...belong to
Wandering aimlessly
But I know where I can go
Somewhere across from me,
I now realize...

On a clear day, I can see
If only I could hear you
If only you could hear me
On a clear day, baby, I can see
Everything that's cosmic, but you, baby

Oh, maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you, baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you...baby

When you open up your eyes
What's in front of you,
Is what's supposed to be there,
Oh really?

Ask me who I am.
Ask me what you are.
One nation under God,
I'm smiling

On a clear day, baby
I can see, If only I could find you
If only you could find me(find me baby)
On a clear day, baby
I can see, Only God knows where you're going...

Open up your hearts
Open up your minds
Baby how do you feel?
Are you cold here?

Kiss me everyday,
I find another way
Brings me in the sky,
I don't know you

On a clear day, baby
I can see If only I could see you
If only you could see me
On a clear day, baby, I can see
Forever behind the horizon line

Oh, maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you, baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you...baby

Oh, Where was I before?
It doesn't matter now
Maybe it does sometimes...
I don't know

What do ya think of me?
What do ya think of life?
Hold me in my arms
I love you

On a clear day, baby
I can see everyone that loves you,
Everyone that loves me
On a clear day, baby, I can see
Whatever's in front of my eyes...

Oh, maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you

Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you
Maybe I'm just another something new
Maybe on a clear day I see you, baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you baby
I see you...baby

Shadows and Memories

I listened to Sun Kil Moon on the way home from B&C's, my son in the backseat. I wanted something I could listen to that would wind down the mood. I put on Duk Koo Kim, because it was long enough to last the drive. As ever, I am gently surprised by the lyrics. I forget what they touch:

oh, come to me once more, my love
show me the love I've never known

Searching for SKM on myspace, I find a profile which has another song I love: Carry Me Ohio. And I'm drawn in again to the bittersweet lyrics, the melancholy sounds:

sorry that
i could never love you back
i could never care enough
in these last days

I'm having trouble connecting there. The words, they want to go in, but it is as if I am watching a movie about my emotions. Feelings up on the silver screen, projected ten feet tall, unrealistic. I search through half remembered dreams and hopes. Shadow loves and memories of great and undying passion.

all the lovers i've burned through
so why do i still burn for you

But I don't. I try to reach out to that self, that woman who burned, that soul that threatened to drown in a tidal wave of tears, to connect to that place inside. Its as if I am reaching, my fingertips dip into a running stream, nothing to hold onto, nothing to grasp.

Perhaps it is best. In this liminal space, far from the grasping and longing, far from the ebb and flow of the sea, I am safe.

I am content.

For B and C

This is too cute, reminding of their upcoming nuptials:

I Wanna Get Married
by Nellie McKay
(mp3)

I wanna get married
Yes, I need a spouse
I want a nice Leave it to Beaverish
Golden retriever and a little white house
I wanna get married
I need to cook meals
I wanna pack you cute little lunches
For my Brady bunches
Then read Danielle Steele
I wanna escape
This rat race I've created
I'm feelin' enervated
I don't care if I make it
I just want to bake a sugar cake for you
To take to work in the morn
And I'll stay home cleaning the dishes
And keeping your wishes all warm
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

I wanna partake in bake sales for the classroom
I wanna hear the sweet tune
Of Sally's little vroom-vroom
As she zooms around my broom
As I exhume the gloom
Of my shallow life
I wanna be simple and honest and dimpled
'cause I am your wife
I will never tarry
I'm not even torn
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

OooooOOOOoooo

Saw this on Lark in the Morning, a Burmese Temple Gong!

I looked at this a couple months back and almost bought it at twice the price. I'm so tempted... but when would I use it? I'm such a practical girl, I don't think I could get it if I couldn't justify it.

But I'm good at justifying when I want to be :)

Shiny

Operating at an even keel. Not sure what the future holds, and for once, not too worried about it. S may come out here, he may not. I send messages to random boys, sometimes getting a response, sometimes not. Mostly I'm fine where I am at. I've been working a ton, full time and freelance on the side. Trying to get the album done. Going to get the paperwork done and filed.

There is a fog in the basin below my house. The trees are particularly ghostly today, standing tall like silent spectors in the mist. The air smells of dew and wet leaves. God, I love it here. The only thing that would make it more perfect is if I were close to the ocean. But for now, this is good. More than good, it is what I need.

The universe is conspiring to give me exactly the life I want. I have faith that it is here already.

Listening to iTunes on shuffle again. Came up with the Decemberists. Very nice tune, slightly upbeat, but darker lyrics.

Shiny
by the Decemberists
(mp3)

by the bumper cars, in the pretty twining light,
i may have gone too far,
i may have gone too much, too long.
i'm a dull and witless boy.
in the after bars, think i was sullied by a dream.
in the killing jar,
you and me at war at arms
all falling in embrace.

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes all shiny

a tawny gypsy girl
sleeping blanketed by stars
beneath the tilt-a-whirl
where we were coyly caught alone
all fumbling with your blouse

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes all shiny

and in the rollercoaster din
by the parachutes in saddle shoes you break your shin
but i have never seen two eyes so shiny
and the sullen beery swine
try to tangle you in sullen beery balls of twine
have they ever seen two eyes so shiny?

the boys in denim vests
smoking cigarettes between their bootblack fingertips
sweetly tipsy by the half-light
the light and the half-light

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes so shiny

I love Prince

I FUCKING LOVE PRINCE!!! :D Ahhhh listening to Musicology and just dancing around my office/studio. I hooked up S.'s speakers through the amp to the computer. Ahhhhhh how happy music makes me!!!

And my love of Prince is solely due to C's influence in high school. She introduced me to classic Prince. She made me a mix tape, called "Negro BeBop", one side of it was Prince, and the other side was Vanity 6. YEAH!!!! :D

I remember how it started

I was thinking about my relationship to music and how it has shifted through the years. I sang a lot as a kid, like most kids did. I also was exceptionally gifted in drawing. My mother will tell you stories of me drawing all over EVERYTHING.

When I was eight years old, my family moved and thus began a very dark period in my life (for which I have recently completed two years of therapy). In that time, I closed inward, but my creative expression flourished in visual arts. I stopped talking and singing, but took refuge in my imagination and solace in the drawings I did.

In middle school, I ended up in choir, which is a shock to me, given how much I wanted to fade into the background and never be noticed. I guess part of me DID want to get noticed. When I got to high school, I didn't like the band/choral teacher, so I ditched music and took an art class. I wasn't particularly exceptional in that, except that I could reproduce almost anything with pretty good accuracy.

In college (I went away my first two years to Long Beach State) I took private voice lessons from a classical singer who had toured Europe. I told her I couldn't afford lessons, so she told me to bring her a salad (she had classes all day with no break) and that would be fine. She saw in me something exceptional, had me sing for the head of the Music department. I was terrified. His only comment was that I needed to be more expressive. My teacher gave me the single best piece of advice: your voice will change when you hit 30. You have all the time in the world to sing.

I tried to pursue music in college, then art, and my parents said no. I couldn't afford it on my own, so I ended up getting my degree in Computer Science. Although I did take several theater classes, and ended up doing several shows around the Bay Area.

Looking back now, its clear now that the creative force that moves through me would not take no for an answer. It still wont!

I think about music I listened to, throughout the years, and in the beginning most of it was popular, whether with the general populous or with my crowd. Two albums changed my relationship to music profoundly: Spirit Chaser (Dead Can Dance) and Passion (Peter Gabriel: music for The Last Tempation of Christ). In that music, I found a communion of soul, a connection to something beyond this world. I didn't realize it then, but I found meditation and spirituality. I will always remember this line "We make a road for the spirit to pass over" and see how it applied to an individual life, then to the creation of life (in my son) and then in the creation of music.

I started dating Darcy in 1995, and a little over a year into that, began another dark period in my life. Turning inward again. A trip to Burning Man brought me out of my shell creatively, and drove me to pursue more creative path in my work, leading me to the Internet, and to design.

Then about 7 years or so ago, I read the Artist's Way. About unblocking your creativity. When I picked it up, I assumed that I would get back into visual arts. I had never considered music. Then it hit me, and with outside encouragement, I was writing songs, lyrics called up from the very depths I had been trying to cover up.

Music has meant so many things to me over the years: solace, inspiration, movement, laughter, sadness, anger, relief, communion, escape, communication. I cannot imagine anything else having so varied an impact.

gearing up!

Okay I've had my new Mac desktop sitting here for weeks, finally got my Cubase LE/Mixer, waiting for my new microphone (M Audio Sputnik). Then comes the part I have NO IDEA about.. making it all work! Should keep me off the streets for a while ;)

Chi-ca-go

Totally frivolous, working on my laptop in O'Hare airport. I already sent off the work I did on the plane. Now I'm just passing time. Should be another 15 minutes until we start boarding again for my flight to Boston. Wheeeeee!

Good mix on the iPod yesterday:

aretha franklin - (sweet sweet baby) since youve been gone
dixie chicks - so hard
dixie chicks - lullaby
toni braxton - youre making me high
hush hush - fake
hem - half acre
everything but the girl - five fathoms
rosanne cash - the world unseen
grizzly bear - lullabye
jellyfish - russian hill
k d lang - so shall it be
sun kil moon - exit does not exist
radiohead - gotosleep
david sylvian - I surrender
peter gabriel - slow marimbas


and this morning was nice too, starting with my 4am pickup by super shuttle at my house, through my landing in O'Hare (with some pauses in between):

jeff beck, f. imogene heap - rolling and tumbling
tears for fears - shout
m. ward - eyes on the prize
peter gabriel - no self control
peter gabriel - here comes the flood
suzanne vega - no cheap thrill
peter gabriel - steam (live)
baba maal - call to prayer (passion sources)
sun kil moon - truckers atlas
lucious jackson - satellite
afro celt soundsystem - life begin again
tears for fears - head over heels
peter gabriel - zaar
rosie thomas - i run
tori amos - carbon
thompson twins - doctor doctor
suzanne vega - soap and water (ahhhh)
tori amos - mother revolution
zero7 - over our heads
golden palominos - breakdown
kansas - play the game tonight
kathleen edwards - good things
zero7 - give it away
suzanne vega - wooden horse
the animators - good day
eastmountainsouth - Show me the River
peter gabriel - mercy street

another good mix

Good mix in the morning, poignant, sweet:

Everyone's Gotta Learn Sometime by Beck
Those Whole Girls by Suzanne Vega
Bliss by Tori Amos
Morning Song by Zero7
Use Me by Bill Withers (live at Carnegie Hall)
Sacred Stones by Sheila Chandra
Summerlong by Kathleen Edwards

Finally starting to feel better. I've been sick for a while. Need to get back on track. Settling in. That is all.

A Perfect Moment

I bought a $37 BART ticket this morning and promptly lost it on the escalator. I stood on the platform, called C. and cried into the phone. "Its all too much" I said, weeping.

Dragged myself to the gym, harried, bitter, sad, and flustered. Late. Concentrated on each exercise as though I was giving birth. I can't possibly do five more. I CAN'T... ohhhhh god. THERE." A long shower and steam later, and I feel as though I have been reset.

My day at work is jam packed, but I manage. Picked up my darling boy and had dinner with the girls. Skyler dropped all of his chips and they gave us another serving for free. I swallowed a large piece of chip and wondered if I would have to go to the emergency room, as it slowly makes its excruitating way down my esophagus. Skyler cracked his head into my nose (damn that boy's head is hard!) and he went to the counter and asked the women for some ice for it (I love him!!)

At the ice cream parlor, there is a miscommunication and Skyler cries when he finds out that he is getting just the smoothie, not ice cream. So the guy behind the counter gives him a scoop for free. Meanwhile, I've dropped my cone on the floor and he replaces it for free. I slide a few dollars into the tip jar, while C. shakes her head at me and smiles "You're a mess, dude!"

And yet, none of this bothers me. I'm able to shrug and laugh at myself. Ahhhhhhh

Then I'm driving down Ashby towards College, on my way to meditation. The air is warm, the breeze cool, my arm out the window. The sun is setting in front of me, and Red Dust by Zero 7 comes on, a lovely instrumental that brings a smile to my face and its all alright. In fact, its a pretty magical place in my life right now. It doesn't matter that there isn't someone here in the car to share this moment with me. Because I am the special person that I have been waiting for.

Post-meditation, I listen to Peter Gabriel singing with Afro Celt Sound System. I will always enjoy the sound of his voice. No, no, they can't take that away from me. Oh they can't take that away from me.

The End, in Eleven Songs

I have a final mix for D's mix CD in response to the one he sent me months ago. Meaty stuff in here. I wonder if he will listen to it all, and what he will think if he does. I will ask him to listen once, and after that he can throw it out.

Between by Vienna Teng ("and the third one between replaces what once was love ")
Washing of the Water by Peter Gabriel ("Letting go, it's so hard/The way it's hurting now/To get this love untied")
Farewell by Rosie Thomas ("I miss the way you danced with me")
It Ought to Be Easier by Lyle Lovett ("And it ought to be easier/To leave when you know that you have to go")
Soap and Water by Suzanne Vega ("scrub the salt from my stinging skin/slip me loose of this wedding band")
Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon ("But it's not so bad/You're just the best I ever had ")
Widow's Walk by Suzanne Vega ("Consider me a widow boys...It's not the man, but it's the marriage that was drowned")
Wedding Day by Rosie Thomas (lyrics and mp3 here)
Beautiful Dawn by The Wailin Jennys ("Show me how to love in the darkest dark")
Mark's Song by eastmountainsouth ("may you find your way in peace")

I like to think that this represents the whole experience for me of this. The cux, the letting go, the loss, the love, the bitterness, the necessary cruelty, the separation, the sadness, the healing, the hope for the future.

I hope he sees it the same way. I hope I can touch him the way he has touched me.

Illuminate. Shine a light

OH MY GOD! I rediscovered a song that touches me, from before.. before the man who broke my heart, from before things turned sour in my marriage. Something I can hold onto now, something that will help me through this weirdness, this half-light. I'm tired of being on the threshold. So weary of this transition. Bring in the light, and make my heart strong.


Illuminate
by Orbital
(MP3)

Paint the world anew
Find a way to open all the joy in order to
Illuminate the strain
Fireworks in the blue
B'yond the burstin' endless shine
Show me where the real light is

Buildin' a wall inside
Wall round my heart
Buildin' a wall inside
Yeah
(repeat)

Paint the world anew
Find a way to open all the joy in order to
Alleviate the strain
Fireworks in the blue
B'yond the burstin' endless shine
Show me where the real light is
Show me where the real light is
Show me where the real light is

Buildin' a wall inside
Wall round my heart
Buildin' a wall inside
Yeah
(repeat)

Deep Aquamarine Mix

Remind me to make a CD of this mix... shuffle is at it again.

"Circle" by Sarah McLachlan
"Letting the Cables Sleep" by Bush
"Martha's Foolish Ginger" by Tori Amos
"Pilgramage" by Suzanne Vega
"Rain Comes Down" by eastmountainsouth
"Theyre not Waving" by Vyvienne Long
"Datura" by Tori Amos
"Right in Two" by Tool
"At This Point In My Life" by Tracy Chapman
"Seated Woman with a Parasol" by Tori Amos
"Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks
"Sugar" by Tori Amos
"Your Cloud" by Tori Amos
"Hold On To Me" by the Dixie Chicks
"Gypsy" by Suzanne Vega
"On a High" by Duncan Sheik
"White Elephant" by Radiohead

Another good mix.

I'm on a Shuffle kick. Here is today's mix (driving back from the preschool):

Life's What you Make It by Talk Talk
Concertina by Tori Amos
My Iron Lung by Radiohead
The Universe and You by K.T.Tunstall
Waiting for the Sunrise by Love Spirals Downwards
Every Day is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails

all the songs flowed perfectly one into the other. Then I hit a Lyle Lovett song. Flow interrupted!

Good conversation with R. last night. In the retelling, sometimes you realize how bad things had gotten. I knew I was freaking out for a reason, but I didn't realize how right I was in putting the brakes on. Good to have validation in times like these.

Always...

Found a new song by Peter Bradley Adams. I love his music best when he was part of eastmountainsouth. His latest song is haunting me. Reminding me of a time when I was waiting for someone. I taste the bittersweetness of that time. Oh, how it has colored me.

Always
=====

you can break her down
with your highs and lows
she's familiar with the sound
the sound you make every time you go

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me

this holiday she's alone
she leaves the lights on the tree
and though the new year is gone
every night there still on for you to see

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always... always always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always
always


dont wait too long
she would choose to believe
that her hear is still strong
strong enough if only you could see

always.. always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always... always always she waits for me
always.. always she waits for me
always
always
always
always

You Feel Like Home, You Feel Like Home

An amazing night and a sweet good morning. What is that grin on my face, you ask? Hmmmmmmm :)

You're the prince to my ballerina
You feed other people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
You would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners, you ask how's your week
You give love to all and give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
When I feel the unknown
You feel like home, you feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet, and you were sound
You saved me

You're the warmth in my summer breeze
You're the ivory to my ebony keys
You would share your last jelly bean
You would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
You saved me

You put my feet back on the ground
Did you know you brought me around
You were sweet and you were sound
See I had shrunk yet still you wore me around
And 'round and 'round

If I Could Fall...

How do you start again, after being hurt? How do you unclench the heart? How do you soften the grip that protects you?

If I Could Fall
by Lenny Kravitz

When I was young
I fell in love
She was a goddess
With a world inside of her mind
When she moved on
Something went wrong
She took my power
And the love I had inside
Now that I found you
I don't know how to

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would

I pray in time
I'll come to find
A way to break through
And save this heart of mine
You've waited long
If you can't hold on
I wouldn't blame you
I don't think I'd be that strong
What am I to do
If I can't have you

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would

You love me so
Even though I don't know
How do you deal
With a man like me

If I could fall
In love again
I'd fall in love with you

If I could change
A grain of sand
Into a pearl, I would
I would, I would, I would

An Interesting Time in My Life

Yes, I'm thinking of the scene from Fight Club. At the end of the movie, the beginning of the rest of their lives. Standing with hands held together, watching the collapse of structures that hold us all back. Holding breath, wondering if self will collapse in the process. Are we really safe standing here? For now I will stand still, breathe, let it be.

And then I heard this song, and it seemed to fit:

CHANGE A COME
c. 2005 Hyim

Sometimes ya work it in
Sometimes ya work it out
Sometimes ya work it baby
Sometimes it gives ya something to be about

(((Chorus)))
Change a come
That’s all it is
Change a come
In my warm arms and a moving breeze
Change a come
That’s all it is

Singing for the saints and cynics in my head
Laying to rest my need to know
That what I do
Will change the world
Cuz it already has, yeah
It already has

(((Chorus)))

Dreaming of possible outcomes in hopeful hymns
Sometimes ya work it out, sometimes ya work it in
I don’t place all my hope in big hope
But I ballot punch and then I amp my vote
You know, I don’t lay all my hope in big vote
But I ballot punch and then I amp my hope
Rock the boat, and I call the quote, and I sing my note
Fast or slow…always:

(((Chorus)))

http://hyimvibe.com/

Please Believe In Me

I love Lenny. This song breaks my heart...



Believe

where's the love we had?
when did it go bad?
or am I just insecure?
I give all I can
baby I'm your man
tell me what we're in this for
remind me

chorus
I can't go on
I know not what to do
my heart is worn
I feel as if I'm through
please believe in me
'cause what I need is for you
to believe in me

countless sleepless nights
never ending fights
I'm trying to make your dreams come true
I will sacrifice
to find paradise
but I need to know that you're
behind me

chorus
I can't go on
I know not what to do
my heart is worn
I feel as if I'm through
please believe in me
'cause what I need is for you
to believe in me

Brand New Chapter

Its a banner day today... posted up my brand new page for my solo music. http://www.myspace.com/ajanuarygirl

My new favorite song is one that I wrote (I love when that happens!)

Across the Meadow
by Jennifer Wilde (c) 2007

across the meadow i will run
across the meadow you will come

after school each day
i'll run up your back stairs
your mom will make us lemonade
and then well run off to play

you'll be my best friend
confidants and comrades
junior high you'll have my heart
our first kiss 'neath the oak tree in the meadow

ooo next lifetime

i'll know when we move into
that house next door to yours
i'll see that this will be our chance
to get what we could not before

we'll look into each others eyes
and recognition will alight
several lifetimes in the planning
before we could get it right this time

ooo next lifetime

high school graduation will come
and we'll vow to never part
share the same schools, the same dreams
one life, one love and one heart

and when we marry we will
stand beneath that shining oak tree
in the meadow where we used to run
just like we planned in this lifetime...
when we could not be

not in this lifetime

ooo in the next lifetime
lets make a promise
to meet when we are small

ooo not in this lifetime
but in the next, yes in the next one
we will have it all

across the meadow i will run
across the meadow you will come

No matter what they say... you are beautiful

Turbulent times. Redefining everything. Parts of me disassembling and reassembling. My emotional body in flux.

Wrote this song yesterday and recorded it last night. I wish I had heard a song like this when I was growing up.

Beautiful

Many thanks to Mike Claire for his beautiful piano playing.

Remember this... you are beautiful

Its Been Awhile

by Staind (mp3)

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile since I can say I love myself as well and
And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry

looking back, looking forward

Tomorrow I'll be heading up to Portland to visit friends. I'll be reflecting on the previous year, but also on my life up until now. I'm going to walk a labyrinth up there, will do a ritual to burn the old contract and say a prayer to unvierse for the new contract I have written. All my hopes and fears, all my wishes and prayers, all my disappointments and fantasies. All will be there. All are part of me.

And its all good.

Good to be Here by the Animators
(saw them at the Independent last Friday. GOOD LORD its only been a week since then)

Home for the Holidays

Interesting phrase that. My new home, although I have only been here a month, feels like a safe haven. It also, at times, feels like a dark echoy cave. I'm frequently alone in the house, so how i view it depends on what mood I am in. And lately, I've been all over the map.

I'm going to my sister's home today to visit my family. A sort of homecoming, although I see them regularly. Going with my son and his dad. Not as a pretend family; we're beyond that. We are a family of a different sort, where we are friends and parents. Easier to endure the holidays knowing at least I don't have to act like "everything's ok". Why did I feel the need to do that for so long?

Tomorrow we are visiting his family. I have no idea how that is going to go. The last thing Doc said to me was something like a plea not to break D's heart. Did I do that? How will be be around me? We shall soon find out.

After that I will want to retreat, I am sure. Although I'll probably be social on Tuesday, and then in the studio that night. Ahhhhhh creating music. It does so soothe me.

The other night I saw Vienna Teng in concert. She was brilliant, moved me to tears a couple times. She played my favorite song of hers, Harbor, that will always hold a special place in my heart. And I had a thought that night, that home is where my heart is. Where my heart wants to be, there I am home.

I am such a romantic sometimes, sheesh! :)

Finding Me

Another track from the Vertical Horizon cd. This one speaks to me about personal growth and outgrowing a relationship.

I also got a chuckle out of the chorus:

Don't tell me how to be
'Cause I like some suffering

samsara, indeed! I had an opportunity lately to look back over relationships in my life, particularly ones filled with drama. What does it all say about me? Part of me doesn't want to answer that question. If I wanted to put myself in the best possible light, I would say that I am passionate person and I throw myself headlong into my feelings, unafraid of the consequences. But I know myself, and I have had a flair for the dramatic. And I've made choices both bad and good. But all that has made me who I am today. So who am I to take it back?

Vertical Horizon: Finding Me

new CDs on a cloudy day

Went CD shopping at Amoeba for the first time in FOREVER! Man, that was nice!! I picked up KT Tunstall, and am really liking this disc. Here is a nice track that didn't get radio play like some others:

KT Tunstall - Stoppin the Loving (mp3)

I enjoy her lyrical style on this CD, and on this track especially. Heal Over is also a great track, especially with this weather, and the mood I am in.

Bittersweet the New Beginning

Standing at the point of transformation, I pause, seeing both sides. And while I've been pushing forward all this time, I take a moment to look back and take in the view. It is breathtaking in its breadth, painful in its beauty, I am weeping. A lesser soul would ask "what have I done?" but I already know the answer to that. And just because I feel pain does not mean I should stop.

But oh, the pain. Sometimes it threatens to pull me under. Especially when it comes in the form of a sweet song that perfectly captures this moment, in all its hope and sorrow.

Wedding Day by Rosie Thomas [check her out]

I had the pleasure to hear her perform on Friday at the Swedish American Hall in San Francisco. She could have been a comedienne, she was sweet and funny, and her voice touched me deeply. I talked to her after the show, don't know what possessed me to give her my CD. She is my new favorite singer/songwriter.

Settling in

Ahhhhh a new situation, a new start. Settling in now, testing out the solitude. Some days are easier than others. Some days I'm haunted by the silence. Where are the happy sounds I used to hear? Other times I relish the silence. Breathe deeply in this space that is mine.

But today was one of the former, not the latter. And with that, I give you Ben Harper, Another Lonely Day (mp3). I know it comes and goes, and that in the end, it will all be ok. Just let me have my moments, alright?

Better Late to the Party than Never!

I love my best friend:

c: the band yo la tengo? they have an album called I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass.
c: hahahahahaha
j: i AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
j: i want that song! i really like yo la tengo
c: I do too, hahaha
j: just got into them...
c: hahaha we are apparently late to the party, but whatever.
j: yeah we are. ive always been late to the party, though, man, so im used to it by now!!
j: in fact, this is as early as i have shown up EVER since ive been on hype
j: im only fashionably late instead of arriving the next day

yeah, better late than never, I guess! ;)

Channeling energy into Creative Endeavours

Song in progress: "Breathlessly Waiting":

breathless
by Jennifer Wilde, copyright 2006

VERSE 1:
we talk in tongues and lips
singing each others praises
your breath and mine intertwined
you pine away the days
you are breathlessly waiting

speak to me so i can hear you
sing to me so i can feel you
sigh to my cheek, in my ear
let me know you are here
I am breathlessly waiting

CHORUS:
breathless breathless
breathless breathless

VERSE 2:
we two are two close strings
resonating in sympathetic vibration
we two are too close, yet not touching
wavering, trembling
and breathlessly waiting

bridge:
waiting for an outward sign
some oracle with prescient mind
to tell us what we will find

waiting for the right time
waiting for the right word
growing hungry with the waiting

VERSE 3:
we are in explicably drawn
like moths dancing round the same flame
wings and limbs entwined
drawn to the light and heat again and again
we are breathlessly waiting

breathlessly waiting

Change of Scenery is what I need

I want to wake up somewhere new
Sunlight streaming in through a different window
Unfamiliar street sounds gently greeting
Stretch and look outside in the silence

I want to wake up beside someone new
See a different face smiling at me
Unfamiliar eyes and arms and skin
On sheets and under blankets

I want to breathe the air anew
Feel the wind change direction
Bringing warmth instead of ice
Invigorating, caressing, inviting

[listening to: Rilo Kiley "More Adventurous"]

In Spite of it All

Sometimes we make choices in the face of everything that tells us not to. Like having children in times as unsettling and uncertain as these. Like sharing our heart, our feelings, in the face of our fear. That's why I've chosen this song for today:

Caruso Sings - Inglistown [cover of Everything but the Girl]
(do you recognize that girl singing backup?)

Some of my favorite lines of all times are in that song:

If I only do one thing, I'll sing songs to my father
I'll sing songs to my child...

This is why I create music, why I sing. Because in the face of everything, sometimes its all I can do.

Movement. Change. Shake up. Big stuff is afoot. No idea how this will all end, but then where would be the fun in that? Feeling more light-hearted than ever before. Secure in myself, my judgement. Secure in my feelings. Trusting in myself.

Clarity.... ahhhhhh! Sweet clarity. A blessed breath of fresh air.

Excited to get back on track with music now that Mark is back from vacation. Raring to go, to finish the album. Still getting new ideas, jotting them all down. Fodder for next album, I'm sure ;)

Released new version of web site last week:
http://www.liquidstatemusic.com

Go go go! :)