Deep Aquamarine Mix

Remind me to make a CD of this mix... shuffle is at it again.

"Circle" by Sarah McLachlan
"Letting the Cables Sleep" by Bush
"Martha's Foolish Ginger" by Tori Amos
"Pilgramage" by Suzanne Vega
"Rain Comes Down" by eastmountainsouth
"Theyre not Waving" by Vyvienne Long
"Datura" by Tori Amos
"Right in Two" by Tool
"At This Point In My Life" by Tracy Chapman
"Seated Woman with a Parasol" by Tori Amos
"Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks
"Sugar" by Tori Amos
"Your Cloud" by Tori Amos
"Hold On To Me" by the Dixie Chicks
"Gypsy" by Suzanne Vega
"On a High" by Duncan Sheik
"White Elephant" by Radiohead

Just notice.

Notice the impulse to create. Notice the desire to hold onto it and act on that impulse. Notice the fear that if you do not act, you will never have another idea as good as that one. Notice the fatigue when you consider sitting down to create. Notice how the fatigue fades when you tell yourself you still have time to create later. Notice the fear that this is actually a lie.

Notice the impulse to reach out, to make contact. Notice the fear that in doing so, you are making a mistake. Notice the internal dialog that follows the impulse. Notice how the dialog changes when you write the email, add more personal bits, erase the personal bits. Notice the holding back, the feeling of withdrawl. Notice the uncertainty in that what you are doing is right. Notice how you doubt you know what is right. Notice the small voice trying to reassert that yes, you do know what is the right course. That you are on that course.

Just notice. Notice them all arise and fall.

Do nothing.

Hear a song on the iPod, coming up at random. Notice the wave of emotion. Notice how numb you have been the last hour.

Write this blog entry.


"Genius (Never Came Through)"
by Duncan Sheik

Clearly I'm a genius
If she only knew it
but somewhere in her radius
I really blew it
I know, I know what I said to her
and I know what I did
What I don't know is how I could ever be
so incredibly stupid

[CHORUS:]

(you don't really need to know every last detail.
Its hardly worth telling
suffice to say I said that I would be there
i never came through)

Maybe I'm a genius and
she just don't see it
I fronted,
I should have admitted,
she saw right through it
I never thought that I could be
so underhanded.
somehow I've cornered the market on
the double standard

[CHORUS]

For this act of genius
and so many others
I know I should apologize
and see how it goes

what am I waiting for?
come on, come on, come on, come on

sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la

to all of the geniuses..

Another good mix.

I'm on a Shuffle kick. Here is today's mix (driving back from the preschool):

Life's What you Make It by Talk Talk
Concertina by Tori Amos
My Iron Lung by Radiohead
The Universe and You by K.T.Tunstall
Waiting for the Sunrise by Love Spirals Downwards
Every Day is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails

all the songs flowed perfectly one into the other. Then I hit a Lyle Lovett song. Flow interrupted!

Good conversation with R. last night. In the retelling, sometimes you realize how bad things had gotten. I knew I was freaking out for a reason, but I didn't realize how right I was in putting the brakes on. Good to have validation in times like these.

Love is all around?

What is up with iTunes Shuffle today? All songs about love. Which is odd because I feel strangely flat and nuetral today:

I Feel Loved (Chamber's Remix) by Depeche Mode
Reach for Love by Ollabelle
Love's Labour's Lost by Love Spiral Downwards
Let's Start a Family by Bonnie "Prince" Billy

Settling down, feeling less overwhelmed. Had a fight with myself last night (disagreement, really ;) about how I wanted to spend my evening.

productive me: "You should practice cello"
lazy me: "UGH. Let's go see Die Hard at the Parkway"
productive me: "We are trying not to drink beer, plus it starts late"
lazy me: "So what? We don't have to be anywhere in the morning"
productive me: "Wait, I don't think we are even interested in seeing that movie"
lazy me: "Let's look at the trailer... huh. Yeah, you're right. Let's watch LOTR instead."
productive me: "NO!! Practice the damn cello for 15 minutes, you'll feel better afterwards."
lazy me: "Oh ALRIGHT!!"

Then my cello bow snapped. So I watched the second disc of Return of the King and went to bed.

Why Should I Cry For You?

iPod Shuffle has done it again. Brought me to a state of sadness in the middle of work. Why should I cry for you? Did you ever cry for me? Could you ever love me like I deserved?

Why Should I Cry For You
by Sting

Under the dog-star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North-north-west, the stones of Faroe

Under the Arctic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?

All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless fog
For all my days remaining

What would be true?
Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I? Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
'I loved you in my fashion?'
What would be true?
Why should I, why should I cry for you?
Why should I cry?

Tearing it all down

Here I am again. At the eye of the storm. Putting my foot down. Trying to make sense of the chaos. I drive home from my best friend's house, put my iPod on shuffle. And this song comes up:

Throw it All Away
by Zero 7

Try talking to you
While you do, while you do
I swap places with you
Just to see things through
Just sing me the tune
And you'll see
I'll keep it here for you
I'll wait for your cue

You wrote down all the words
Black and white
On a wall
Just keepin' it so
Yeah you know how it goes
No plans for a change, nothing strange
No not today no way
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

So you twist and you turn
Uncomfortable fool, you'll never learn
But you can take a stand
Forget all about the plans California rose

Side one track two
On a record of you
I've even stuck on a groove
That I don't wanna lose
Just play it again, as a friend
It's your favorite worn-in shoes
Now sing me the tune

Cash it in and throw it all away, yeah
Never needed any of it anyway

So you crash, and you burn
Sometimes the road will twist and turn
Some of this, less of that
Forget all about the map California road

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

Cash it in and throw it all away, yeah
Never needed any of it anyway

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway

Cash it in and throw it all away
Never needed any of it anyway