healing isn't linear

Feeling out of sorts today. Can't seem to focus. Worried about things in my life. At least I don't have to worry about the election any more; what's done is done!

I feel compelled to shut down, or to act out. I don't like being open, vulnerable. Why do I feel raw? Its been so long, I should be fine by now! Make it stop. I want to get off...

And I haven't even gotten started yet. This is just a little taste.

Sigh. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its my hormones. Perhaps its the upcoming wedding, that all of a sudden I am dreading.

There is nothing to do in this space. Just breathe, relax, and let go.

darkness abated. resume life.

Had a great healing conversation with Liliana. She is truly amazing. There was this darkness that was trying to convince me to leave the planet. A gray blanket of grief, and a fatigue so intense I wanted to sleep the rest of my life away. She was able to lift a corner, allow me to see the light again. And today I feel much much better, thank you very much.

WHEW. That was scary. Glad its over.

Illuminate. Shine a light

OH MY GOD! I rediscovered a song that touches me, from before.. before the man who broke my heart, from before things turned sour in my marriage. Something I can hold onto now, something that will help me through this weirdness, this half-light. I'm tired of being on the threshold. So weary of this transition. Bring in the light, and make my heart strong.


Illuminate
by Orbital
(MP3)

Paint the world anew
Find a way to open all the joy in order to
Illuminate the strain
Fireworks in the blue
B'yond the burstin' endless shine
Show me where the real light is

Buildin' a wall inside
Wall round my heart
Buildin' a wall inside
Yeah
(repeat)

Paint the world anew
Find a way to open all the joy in order to
Alleviate the strain
Fireworks in the blue
B'yond the burstin' endless shine
Show me where the real light is
Show me where the real light is
Show me where the real light is

Buildin' a wall inside
Wall round my heart
Buildin' a wall inside
Yeah
(repeat)

Just notice.

Notice the impulse to create. Notice the desire to hold onto it and act on that impulse. Notice the fear that if you do not act, you will never have another idea as good as that one. Notice the fatigue when you consider sitting down to create. Notice how the fatigue fades when you tell yourself you still have time to create later. Notice the fear that this is actually a lie.

Notice the impulse to reach out, to make contact. Notice the fear that in doing so, you are making a mistake. Notice the internal dialog that follows the impulse. Notice how the dialog changes when you write the email, add more personal bits, erase the personal bits. Notice the holding back, the feeling of withdrawl. Notice the uncertainty in that what you are doing is right. Notice how you doubt you know what is right. Notice the small voice trying to reassert that yes, you do know what is the right course. That you are on that course.

Just notice. Notice them all arise and fall.

Do nothing.

Hear a song on the iPod, coming up at random. Notice the wave of emotion. Notice how numb you have been the last hour.

Write this blog entry.


"Genius (Never Came Through)"
by Duncan Sheik

Clearly I'm a genius
If she only knew it
but somewhere in her radius
I really blew it
I know, I know what I said to her
and I know what I did
What I don't know is how I could ever be
so incredibly stupid

[CHORUS:]

(you don't really need to know every last detail.
Its hardly worth telling
suffice to say I said that I would be there
i never came through)

Maybe I'm a genius and
she just don't see it
I fronted,
I should have admitted,
she saw right through it
I never thought that I could be
so underhanded.
somehow I've cornered the market on
the double standard

[CHORUS]

For this act of genius
and so many others
I know I should apologize
and see how it goes

what am I waiting for?
come on, come on, come on, come on

sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la

to all of the geniuses..

Sunrise, Sunset

A little photograph of the view off my balcony. I absolutely love living here, and this is one the main reasons why. Sunsets are fabulous. And when they fade, there is a valley of twinkling lights below.

Now, why did I have to go ahead and think of that old song from Fiddler on the Roof?? Jeeeeez

I told C. the other day, that the older I get, the more everything reminds me of a song. Soon the only thing coming out of my mouth will be regurgitated song lyrics and movie lines. Not an original thought in the bunch! Okay, well, that's probably an exageration.

Things are evening out, settling down. At first, this was a let down. But now I've settled into the groove of my new life. Actually spent the last couple days resting up, as it seems I've been overdoing it a bit lately.

I have a line on a cello I might buy on Thursday. We shall see!

Standing still

I want to run and hide. I want to smoke and drink. I want to cry, I want to scream.

And instead I am here. Standing still.

Breathe... breathe...

I want to go to my usual escapes. Men who flirt with me and alcohol to soothe me.

And instead I am here. Standing still.

Trying to breathe...

Finding Me

Another track from the Vertical Horizon cd. This one speaks to me about personal growth and outgrowing a relationship.

I also got a chuckle out of the chorus:

Don't tell me how to be
'Cause I like some suffering

samsara, indeed! I had an opportunity lately to look back over relationships in my life, particularly ones filled with drama. What does it all say about me? Part of me doesn't want to answer that question. If I wanted to put myself in the best possible light, I would say that I am passionate person and I throw myself headlong into my feelings, unafraid of the consequences. But I know myself, and I have had a flair for the dramatic. And I've made choices both bad and good. But all that has made me who I am today. So who am I to take it back?

Vertical Horizon: Finding Me

When does it get better?

I shouldn't be listening to this music. But then again, I should. I need to grieve. It just sucks, is all.

Vertical Horizon: Best I Ever Had

Lyrics:
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

new CDs on a cloudy day

Went CD shopping at Amoeba for the first time in FOREVER! Man, that was nice!! I picked up KT Tunstall, and am really liking this disc. Here is a nice track that didn't get radio play like some others:

KT Tunstall - Stoppin the Loving (mp3)

I enjoy her lyrical style on this CD, and on this track especially. Heal Over is also a great track, especially with this weather, and the mood I am in.

Bittersweet the New Beginning

Standing at the point of transformation, I pause, seeing both sides. And while I've been pushing forward all this time, I take a moment to look back and take in the view. It is breathtaking in its breadth, painful in its beauty, I am weeping. A lesser soul would ask "what have I done?" but I already know the answer to that. And just because I feel pain does not mean I should stop.

But oh, the pain. Sometimes it threatens to pull me under. Especially when it comes in the form of a sweet song that perfectly captures this moment, in all its hope and sorrow.

Wedding Day by Rosie Thomas [check her out]

I had the pleasure to hear her perform on Friday at the Swedish American Hall in San Francisco. She could have been a comedienne, she was sweet and funny, and her voice touched me deeply. I talked to her after the show, don't know what possessed me to give her my CD. She is my new favorite singer/songwriter.

Settling in

Ahhhhh a new situation, a new start. Settling in now, testing out the solitude. Some days are easier than others. Some days I'm haunted by the silence. Where are the happy sounds I used to hear? Other times I relish the silence. Breathe deeply in this space that is mine.

But today was one of the former, not the latter. And with that, I give you Ben Harper, Another Lonely Day (mp3). I know it comes and goes, and that in the end, it will all be ok. Just let me have my moments, alright?

Change of Scenery is what I need

I want to wake up somewhere new
Sunlight streaming in through a different window
Unfamiliar street sounds gently greeting
Stretch and look outside in the silence

I want to wake up beside someone new
See a different face smiling at me
Unfamiliar eyes and arms and skin
On sheets and under blankets

I want to breathe the air anew
Feel the wind change direction
Bringing warmth instead of ice
Invigorating, caressing, inviting

[listening to: Rilo Kiley "More Adventurous"]

Awash in Feelings

Anger, anger, everywhere... but also sadness, regret, foolishness, guilt, and above all, more anger.

I'm tired of being the sole cause. I will not be the only one to take responsibility. FUCK THAT.

I rant, I withdraw, I bury, I surface, I laugh, I cry, I rage again. This is my life. Welcome to the theater of the emotion. Please take your seat, and be aware that there is not a dry seat in the house. There will be nowhere you can sit quietly outside the storm, untouched and unaffected. I WILL make you feel, I WILL make you angry, and I WILL make you sad.

My life imitates my art so closely these days. I should write some happy fucking songs to pull myself out.

In Spite of it All

Sometimes we make choices in the face of everything that tells us not to. Like having children in times as unsettling and uncertain as these. Like sharing our heart, our feelings, in the face of our fear. That's why I've chosen this song for today:

Caruso Sings - Inglistown [cover of Everything but the Girl]
(do you recognize that girl singing backup?)

Some of my favorite lines of all times are in that song:

If I only do one thing, I'll sing songs to my father
I'll sing songs to my child...

This is why I create music, why I sing. Because in the face of everything, sometimes its all I can do.

Sometimes you just need to get laid. At least that's what I've been told. Huh. If only some simple physical encounter could solve all my problems! Well, its a nice fantasy, any way. And I'm sure it would be a nice escape. But alas, I'll just have to deal with all that's happening on my own.

Yeah.

Clarity comes and goes. Everytime I have it, I get surer. Every time I lose it, I get frustrated: "Haven't I already had that conversation?? Didn't go through all thiis before?" I think I will know more after Thursday morning. Anticipation, anxiety, hope, resignation... man. My life is like my music these days, and there are times, like now, where I feel like I'm just living for the next moment of levity.

Vague? Yes. But that's the way it has to be...

Movement. Change. Shake up. Big stuff is afoot. No idea how this will all end, but then where would be the fun in that? Feeling more light-hearted than ever before. Secure in myself, my judgement. Secure in my feelings. Trusting in myself.

Clarity.... ahhhhhh! Sweet clarity. A blessed breath of fresh air.

Excited to get back on track with music now that Mark is back from vacation. Raring to go, to finish the album. Still getting new ideas, jotting them all down. Fodder for next album, I'm sure ;)

Released new version of web site last week:
http://www.liquidstatemusic.com

Go go go! :)